How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again and now that I think about their relationships with all the people in their lives, I think every one of them is a surface one, no more the kind of relationship with the occasional handymen you call, or your local librarian, no wonder they treat me like that too, they probably don’t even think people could have any other kind of relationship, like the bird trapped in a water well thinks the sky is only the size of the well opening. This isn’t their fault, but it’s still not okay.

So what? Who are you to decide what closeness or intimacy someone else needs or wants? Get a therapy dog or something. You sound incredibly needy and clingy. A lot of people don’t want what you want.

I agree, some people are abusers and they enjoy it. Some rape little kids, who are we to say they are wrong or bad? They just have different needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again and now that I think about their relationships with all the people in their lives, I think every one of them is a surface one, no more the kind of relationship with the occasional handymen you call, or your local librarian, no wonder they treat me like that too, they probably don’t even think people could have any other kind of relationship, like the bird trapped in a water well thinks the sky is only the size of the well opening. This isn’t their fault, but it’s still not okay.

So what? Who are you to decide what closeness or intimacy someone else needs or wants? Get a therapy dog or something. You sound incredibly needy and clingy. A lot of people don’t want what you want.

I agree, some people are abusers and they enjoy it. Some rape little kids, who are we to say they are wrong or bad? They just have different needs.

And some troll boards like this for fun or they have mental disorders and even their own family can’t stand them.

[Anonymous]

Grow up. And work on your resilience

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

Op here, Omg what in the world ?! My parents are the exact opposite of grey rocking me. If they did at least I would let feel they faking loving me, I’d give them credit for being truthful and consistent. No, they think we are very close.

Gently, I don’t think you understand what gray rocking is. They are clearly gray rocking you. In fact, that is consistent with them feeling close. They are not engaging with your drama, but are staying neutral and steady as a rock, because they value you.

Good one, YOU don’t know what grey rock means, although let’s say my parents are grey rocking me, then they grey rock every person in their lives. They are emotionally immature, don’t beautify it as not engage in drama. Telling your loved one you are sorry that her dog died is drama? Visiting a sick friend in the hospital is drama? Lending a shoulder for your daughter to cry on when her boyfriend died is drama? You boomers really are a different species. I know I know, maybe they hated the dog to begin with, maybe the sick friend was nasty anyway, maybe the boyfriend was abusive, or maybe alien abduction.

I will block them from now on, they wouldn’t need to grey rock me anymore. Thanks for speaking on their behalf, that’s what I asked them to do for a closure. DCUM is the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird -- someone in my life posted a rant on Facebook using a lot of the same terminology. I know this is not the same person. But is everyone reading the same self-help book?

This thread has less discussion of “enmeshed” family members and narcissism but it’s the same word cloud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again and now that I think about their relationships with all the people in their lives, I think every one of them is a surface one, no more the kind of relationship with the occasional handymen you call, or your local librarian, no wonder they treat me like that too, they probably don’t even think people could have any other kind of relationship, like the bird trapped in a water well thinks the sky is only the size of the well opening. This isn’t their fault, but it’s still not okay.

So what? Who are you to decide what closeness or intimacy someone else needs or wants? Get a therapy dog or something. You sound incredibly needy and clingy. A lot of people don’t want what you want.

I agree, some people are abusers and they enjoy it. Some rape little kids, who are we to say they are wrong or bad? They just have different needs.

And some troll boards like this for fun or they have mental disorders and even their own family can’t stand them.

You got a mirror in front of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is weird -- someone in my life posted a rant on Facebook using a lot of the same terminology. I know this is not the same person. But is everyone reading the same self-help book?

This thread has less discussion of “enmeshed” family members and narcissism but it’s the same word cloud.

Lots of People with boomer parents experience similar neglect or abuse but it’s not the boomers fault; Or you could say lots of boomers’ children are mentally ill lunatics and it’s not the boomers fault.

[Anonymous]

In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

Sorry, just read more and I see you are in your 20s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is weird -- someone in my life posted a rant on Facebook using a lot of the same terminology. I know this is not the same person. But is everyone reading the same self-help book?

This thread has less discussion of “enmeshed” family members and narcissism but it’s the same word cloud.

Lots of People with boomer parents experience similar neglect or abuse but it’s not the boomers fault; Or you could say lots of boomers’ children are mentally ill lunatics and it’s not the boomers fault.

I’m not giving boomers a pass. I am suggesting that some of this language is trendy and that some mental health terms are applied haphazardly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is weird -- someone in my life posted a rant on Facebook using a lot of the same terminology. I know this is not the same person. But is everyone reading the same self-help book?

This thread has less discussion of “enmeshed” family members and narcissism but it’s the same word cloud.

Lots of People with boomer parents experience similar neglect or abuse but it’s not the boomers fault; Or you could say lots of boomers’ children are mentally ill lunatics and it’s not the boomers fault.

I’m not giving boomers a pass. I am suggesting that some of this language is trendy and that some mental health terms are applied haphazardly.

Yes I think some terms are being applied incorrectly, that sucks because it undermines those true emotional abuse. For example if you call every one you dislike Narcissist, that’s not fair to those who have to deal with real narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again and now that I think about their relationships with all the people in their lives, I think every one of them is a surface one, no more the kind of relationship with the occasional handymen you call, or your local librarian, no wonder they treat me like that too, they probably don’t even think people could have any other kind of relationship, like the bird trapped in a water well thinks the sky is only the size of the well opening. This isn’t their fault, but it’s still not okay.

So what? Who are you to decide what closeness or intimacy someone else needs or wants? Get a therapy dog or something. You sound incredibly needy and clingy. A lot of people don’t want what you want.

I agree, some people are abusers and they enjoy it. Some rape little kids, who are we to say they are wrong or bad? They just have different needs.

And some troll boards like this for fun or they have mental disorders and even their own family can’t stand them.

You got a mirror in front of you?

Time to finish your homework. Enough playing for the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself. They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world. I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that. I can’t stand the fakes. I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk. And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2? Really, a healthy parent would do that?

[Anonymous]

Are some children of boomers (I am one too) suggesting that they have had a uniquely difficult upbringing? Worse than any other generation? Is that what some people are suggesting in here?

[Anonymous]

I meant “it’s NOT like what the boomer warriors on here claimed”.

Those who think parents can do no wrong: please there is no need for you to reply. I heard you.