Reply to How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In the example provided, why not just accept that they are emotionally limited and cant support you in this way? FWIW I have not leaned on my parents for emotional support since my early 20s, so I am having trouble understanding why you can’t have a relationship with them otherwise. I do not mean to be mean. On the contrary, I see two scenarios, one in which you accept your parents and one in which you shut them out. In both scenarios you get zero emotional support from them, but in the former you can at least engage with them, do holidays, etc.

Have you worked with a therapist on this?[/quote]

I can’t have a relationship with them because the way they talk to me makes me feel invisible, or “feel like shit” or honestly at times want to kill myself.  They don’t want me have any feelings they disapprove all at the same time act very caring in front of others and act like the most loving and supportive parents in the world.  I’ve seen peers who have much healthier relationships with their parents and I crave that.  I can’t stand the fakes.  I’d talk to them even if they just say “we are wired differently and we can’t change”, but no, they act so righteous and would rather lose me than to try to talk.  And no, it’s like what the boomer warriors on here claim (that I must am needy all the time so they grey rocked me), no, they have ZERO feelings, they are but grey rocking me, if they are, that means they’ve been grey rocking me since i was 2?   Really, a healthy parent would do that?   [/quote]

You need to talk to a licensed professional. Crowdsourcing on DCUM or Tik Tok is not a substitute. [/quote]

+1.  I really wish you the best OP but you need to talk to someone to work through these feelings.  Many of us wish we could lean on our parents more but it isn't always possible and you can't change them.  I'm not sure cutting off contact is the answer here but again this may be something to work out with help of a professional.[/quote]

Thank you, I feel that posting here lets me vent and even the negative comments from boomer warriors are helpful because their perspective made me reflect on myself.  Was I too sensitive, was I too needy, was I dumping my negativity on them? did I act like a toddler? were they grey rocking me?  Also, their persistence in trying to come up with excuses for my parents are eye-opening, and that's probably similar to my parents' thinking, so this helps me understand what's in their minds (since my parents won't say anything ever).  Also, since English isn't my first language, posting on here helps me to learn new vocabulary and learn to express myself more effectively.

My parents have no negative emotion, at least they never show any.  After their son (my brother) killed himself, they most emotion they've ever shown was "ugh, but we still have a lot of good things to be grateful for".  They took no responsibility at all, to this day, they have no idea that he killed himself because he constantly felt like shit (the same feeling I have now) when he was around them, because they always dismissed his feelings, and when you do that on a 100% basis, it made the person feel worthless.  Also, you would think parents whose young son committed suicide would seek therapy, right?  No, not them, why would they need that?  It was not their fault in their mind, and they "still have so much to be happy about in their lives".  Now they are losing me too, I'm sure they will find joy in other things and carry on.

This is very very painful, I tell myself that this is a price I have to pay to break the generational trauma.  [/quote]

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