Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these grown ass adults that care so much about their birthdays?! I would expect this from a child, but actual adults having so many feelings about their birthdays is wild.

Dp. I'm laughing right now because my mom also gets mad if we forget her half birthday!
Also, I noticed in my family system the children get acknowledged, the grandparents get acknowledged....but guess what generation gets nothing unless we plan it for ourselves....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

I plan my kids and spouses bday. I don't plan my in-laws bday. I think that's within the realm of normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

I plan my kids and spouses bday. I don't plan my in-laws bday. I think that's within the realm of normal.

I don’t plan my parents/in laws birthdays but we all send a text around a few weeks before and ask what day they want us to be available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

I plan my kids and spouses bday. I don't plan my in-laws bday. I think that's within the realm of normal.

I don’t plan my parents/in laws birthdays but we all send a text around a few weeks before and ask what day they want us to be available.

+1 we always discuss birthday plans ahead of time so everyone can be there if possible..Surprising that OP's DH didn't plan ahead better. He could have proactively told his mom that they wouldn't be able to get together on her birthday but would love to go out on X date. This wasn't OP's fault. Her DH put her in an awkward position. It's weird to wait until the day before to inquire about your mother's birthday plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

Yes you do know her birthday. Come on. I can’t stand my MIL and I know when her birthday is. What dentist is open at 5 pm on a Friday? I would have gone with both kids and gotten something to go at the end for DH since he was at work.

Dp. Not necessarily. I’ve been with my husband for 20 yrs and I only recently learned his bday… bc my nephew was born the same day. I would have never known otherwise. It’s not uncommon to not know when your spouses family was born.

Strange it’s not on a family calendar.

Not everyone does family calendars. There are many ways to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

Agreed.
That is the reason that my DH finds birthdays, valentine's day, father's day, mother's day, Christmas and anniversaries easy. He also sends the same gift every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I think you mean why didn't OP's husband make this plan?

There was a plan. OP didn't want to go because she can't manage her kids on her own. She declined to go to the plan made by someone else. I guess her inlaws are too intimidating and scary for a dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and you were both wrong.

+1

OP- I hope your kids treat you the same way one day.

Now if it were me and we had work/other things already scheduled I would have initially said "sorry Friday night doesn't work due to work and a kids dentist appointment can we do dinner on X day instead" or I would have asked if we could do dinner at 6:30pm to give us more time.

I also find it odd that you couldn't meet your in-laws for dinner on your own and suck it up for a few hours .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

I plan my kids and spouses bday. I don't plan my in-laws bday. I think that's within the realm of normal.

And I’m 100% sure this MIL doesn’t plan her dentist visits around making her DIL feel loved. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and you were both wrong.

+1

OP- I hope your kids treat you the same way one day.

Now if it were me and we had work/other things already scheduled I would have initially said "sorry Friday night doesn't work due to work and a kids dentist appointment can we do dinner on X day instead" or I would have asked if we could do dinner at 6:30pm to give us more time.

I also find it odd that you couldn't meet your in-laws for dinner on your own and suck it up for a few hours .

Women can't go out without their husbands. It's the new thing apparently.

[Anonymous]

1-MIL should stop being passive- aggressive and her ire should be directed at her son, not you.

2 - your DH inherited his mother’s passive aggressiveness. Douchey on his part to even suggest you go without him. It’s his freaking mother. He goes or no one goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

This is FILs responsibility, not OPs

Yeah, I agree. FIL and DH should have discussed a plan more than 24 hours in advance. If OP's family couldn't do it on her actual birthday, that's fine, but have an alternative. This is on them. It sounds like they dropped the ball, MIL had to plan her own celebration and then even that didn't pan out. I see why she's a little salty but it shouldn't be directed at OP.

[Anonymous]

I have to force my dh to talk about plans with his parents or they pull stuff like that because they have no concept of people working full time and being busy. So next time make sure your dh and his parents plan a weekend lunch or dinner that works for you, in advance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

I plan my kids and spouses bday. I don't plan my in-laws bday. I think that's within the realm of normal.

I don’t plan my parents/in laws birthdays but we all send a text around a few weeks before and ask what day they want us to be available.

Does “we” mean you, the daughter in law or does “we” mean their son sends a text?