19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it can work. He may have learned a ton and grew. My uncle married my aunt after a 10 year relationship and kids were 15 and 14. They have been married for 35 years. He was in his 40s and my aunt in her late 20's. My uncle has been an amazing presence in my life. I think the age gap works best because most men want to get it right. Be open and don't let other women's stories dissuade you.

This sounds like something written by a man. OP, you should always listen to and consider other women's stories! Our stories help identify red flags that might seem normal in isolation. Right now, you are rationalizing a poor life choice, but women on here have been there and are telling you how it played out; let them help you cut through your fog. You don't have to learn painful lessons firsthand when we have paid the price. Shared wisdom is how women protect each other. Sorry for being preachy, but listen to other women who have married men 18-20 years older than them and understand why they are telling you this is a bad idea. Or don't and come back in 15 years and you can be one of them on these boards, trying in vain to convince the next woman not to repeat your mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it can work. He may have learned a ton and grew. My uncle married my aunt after a 10 year relationship and kids were 15 and 14. They have been married for 35 years. He was in his 40s and my aunt in her late 20's. My uncle has been an amazing presence in my life. I think the age gap works best because most men want to get it right. Be open and don't let other women's stories dissuade you.

What evidence do you have that "most "men want to get it right? You've offered up one marriage in your circle that you're not even close enough to really know about. No sane uncle or aunt is sharing the ins and outs of their marriage with their niece. Your aunt could be secretly regretting it and thinking she would not make the same choice if she got a redo, but she would never unfairly burden you by confiding that in you if she's a sensible person.

It's true. It's a lot easier to unburden oneself on an anonymous message board than to a niece. I would never unload on a niece!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: A divorced dad pushing 50 with kids who are only about a decade younger than you and are teens at that.

OP, this man is getting a lot out of you -- the physical, someone he can control because you have much less life and relationship experience than he does, a fresh uterus, a new sucker to do the lion's share of caring for his next set of kids. He's also getting a soon-to-be nurse and caretaker who will not be in the position to receive care from him because he's going to predecease you if your marriage even lasts that long.

What TANGIBLE benefits are YOU getting out of being with an old man with this much baggage? (No, having your ego boosted about how mature you are while also being so much better looking than women his age isn't a benefit. Those manipulative compliments will dry up once he has you trapped with marriage and a baby.)

Do you even really know why his first marriage ended? Believing his self-serving version of events does not count as "knowledge."

I don't think you're going to listen because if you had the insight to know what a TRAIN WRECK you are signing up for, you wouldn't be here asking if there's any way your relationship makes sense. Just bookmark this thread and return to it WHEN your life goes off the rails thanks to this man. You were warned.

PP here. Let me add that I've been you.

I dated a 43 year old for years starting when I was 24 and we got engaged.

The best thing he ever did for me was look at me one day during a fight and ask me what made me think he and I were equals when he was already a teenager before my parents even thought of conceiving me. It felt like a punch. He took that back later and apologized profusely, but it really stuck in my head. I broke up with him shortly after and went back to dating men my own age.

I am now 40 years old and I am so, so glad that ex of mine slipped up the way he did. I realize now that there's nothing a 20-something year-old could ever do to close the gap of cunning that a 10+ year age difference creates. One day, when you're 46, you'll look back and you'll realize that being in the second half of your life is a completely different headspace than being a 20-something.

I get what he's doing. Listen, when you're 40-something and then you've also been burned in marriage before, you end up goal oriented with zero idealism. Power and its uses become a lot more clear to you. Especially as a soon-to-be divorcee myself, there are worse things than knowing that if things go badly, your partner will get the worse end of it. My ex and I are only 3 years apart and the divorce is still hell. He's putting me through it. I can't imagine if I was divorcing someone with almost 20 years on me who had already done it before and could bring all that to bear. Maybe that's subconsciously part of why I'm suddenly exclusively attracted to men in their mid to late 20s?

You're not going to get the better or even equal end of any deal with him, whether marriage or divorce. So, you'd better stay on his good side. He's been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and he has far greater emotional and financial resources than you.

Don't forget the gender dynamic either. You're the one who's going to carry the pregnancies and deal with your market value romantically and career-wise diminishing because you're a mom. Your physical and emotional health could also be impacted by childbearing. His won't be because he's not carrying a single baby. All of that on top of a preexisting power dynamic?

What are the people in your life saying? What do your parents think? Or are they afraid to tell you the truth for fear you'll distance yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it can work. He may have learned a ton and grew. My uncle married my aunt after a 10 year relationship and kids were 15 and 14. They have been married for 35 years. He was in his 40s and my aunt in her late 20's. My uncle has been an amazing presence in my life. I think the age gap works best because most men want to get it right. Be open and don't let other women's stories dissuade you.

This sounds like something written by a man. OP, you should always listen to and consider other women's stories! Our stories help identify red flags that might seem normal in isolation. Right now, you are rationalizing a poor life choice, but women on here have been there and are telling you how it played out; let them help you cut through your fog. You don't have to learn painful lessons firsthand when we have paid the price. Shared wisdom is how women protect each other. Sorry for being preachy, but listen to other women who have married men 18-20 years older than them and understand why they are telling you this is a bad idea. Or don't and come back in 15 years and you can be one of them on these boards, trying in vain to convince the next woman not to repeat your mistakes.

It's a waste of time. She's not going to listen. It's the same story every generation. I promise you right now she's thinking that we're bitter hags and she gets why her boyfriend doesn't like women his age. I've posted a lot in this thread because I'm in the mood to be blunt. I don't say a word IRL to any of these young women I see making the dumbest mistakes, however. I'll just wait 10 years and bond with them over shared misfortune with the opposite sex.

I have a theory that this inability of young women to listen to older women is the result of natural selection and essential to propagating the species. If women wisened up all at once and stopped being so stupid where men are concerned, the marriage rate would be zero and the birth rate would be almost zero.

[Anonymous]

OP - remember - there are no shortcuts. It’s always either or. I learned it hard way, regretfully through my child’s mental illness, drug abuse and depression

[Anonymous]

I was you 20 years ago. I married the guy and ultimately regretted it, but stayed married for our kids. The discomfort over the age gap constantly gnaws at me. If I could go back in time I really wish I would have taken the advise of those who said “Don’t do it.”

[Anonymous]

If you have a kid in 3 years he will be over 70 when your kid graduates college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

Why are you on a mommy website?

+1. So clueless

[Anonymous]

The birth defects issue with older parents is a new “capitalism” issue. There was never such a point in history of humanity when men had lived that long or had that much resources to remarry to much younger women. Now it’s almost on industrial scale, accelerated with the apps use and over growth of COL.

In my home country it was considered shameful to marry an old man for a 20s woman. People would make fun that “nobody young wanted to pick her up”.

Usually young women would have rushed first marriages with boys their age, and would pop out couple kids. Women and men were pressed to marry young. These marriages often didn’t last and then the young 30 smth woman would marry an older man with resources to support her and her kids from the first marriage.

While it’s not a great and archaic system I think it’s more fair “exchange of benefits” .

Not sure OP is a net beneficiary in her upcoming nuptials….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

You know the exact amount he has because that money is part of the attraction. Forget a PhD. You want that generational wealth and don't think for a second he doesn't know that. He's reeling you in. Write whatever you want in that prenup, but understand he'll still dictates where his money goes. If you ever fall out with him, that generational wealth will hire lawyers to tie you up in court until you settle for less just to avoid bankruptcy.

Why in this age of Google do people like you still fail to understand the major pitfalls of marrying money when you have none?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

$26m isn't that much when you subtract three (four?) college tuitions, the cost of raising one or two more kids, plus his retirement and eldercare, plus yours. This is where people get into a crunch-- he's getting a lot closer to the end of his working years (because you can't assume he'll be healthy enough to work until 67 or whatever), and his expenses are about to spike.

I think the main problem people run into is that there's not enough dad to go around. How is he going to parent young kids with the level of hands-on a woman your age expects, plus also be a good father to his teenagers, plus also work enough to pay for all of this? It's a lot and he's only going to be less and less energetic. People get into these situations with the best of intentions, but sometimes the circle just doesn't square. Having a lot of money helps, but it's also just one more thing to fight over-- and believe me, his teens will eventually figure out that their inheritance decreased dramatically when you married and with each subsequent child. People will flame me for this and say nobody's entitled to an inheritance, which is true, but you can't show up in their lives and do that and expect them to be happy about it. You need to be realistic.

Assuming your PhD isn't going to get you a high-income job...

Bless your heart. $26 million is a shit ton. And have sexual intercourse with yourself for not understanding that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

$26m isn't that much when you subtract three (four?) college tuitions, the cost of raising one or two more kids, plus his retirement and eldercare, plus yours. This is where people get into a crunch-- he's getting a lot closer to the end of his working years (because you can't assume he'll be healthy enough to work until 67 or whatever), and his expenses are about to spike.

I think the main problem people run into is that there's not enough dad to go around. How is he going to parent young kids with the level of hands-on a woman your age expects, plus also be a good father to his teenagers, plus also work enough to pay for all of this? It's a lot and he's only going to be less and less energetic. People get into these situations with the best of intentions, but sometimes the circle just doesn't square. Having a lot of money helps, but it's also just one more thing to fight over-- and believe me, his teens will eventually figure out that their inheritance decreased dramatically when you married and with each subsequent child. People will flame me for this and say nobody's entitled to an inheritance, which is true, but you can't show up in their lives and do that and expect them to be happy about it. You need to be realistic.

Assuming your PhD isn't going to get you a high-income job...

Bless your heart. $26 million is a shit ton. And have sexual intercourse with yourself for not understanding that.

And it’s very easy to shield from OP in trusts, and destroy her with lawyers if and when she wants out.

[Anonymous]

Don't do this to your future children. I see how you can rationalize it to yourself, but don't do it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

I don't think the bold means what you think it means. For people with generational wealth, inherited money goes into trusts for blood children in order to protect it from the people who marry in. He may not even be able to change the terms of some of the generational money depending on how it is held - in trusts, in assets in shares with other people, in family business, etc.

"giving someone a prenup" means specifying in writing how much they will get in case of divorce and under what circumstances, and it is usually less than one would expect in a straight marital equity split, otherwise what is the point of a prenup? A prenup benefits people who bring money to the marriage, not the less wealthy partner (unless that person strikes it rich independently).

[Anonymous]

Why does OP think this marriage will be for life? He clearly likes young women and will trade her in when she gets older. Like he did to the first wife.