Reply to 19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] A divorced dad pushing 50 with kids who are only about a decade younger than you and are teens at that.

OP, this man is getting a lot out of you -- the physical, someone he can control because you have much less life and relationship experience than he does, a fresh uterus, a new sucker to do the lion's share of caring for his next set of kids. He's also getting a soon-to-be nurse and caretaker who will not be in the position to receive care from him because he's going to predecease you if your marriage even lasts that long.

What TANGIBLE benefits are YOU getting out of being with an old man with this much baggage? (No, having your ego boosted about how mature you are while also being so much better looking than women his age isn't a benefit. Those manipulative compliments will dry up once he has you trapped with marriage and a baby.)

Do you even really know why his first marriage ended? Believing his self-serving version of events does not count as "knowledge."

I don't think you're going to listen because if you had the insight to know what a TRAIN WRECK you are signing up for, you wouldn't be here asking if there's any way your relationship makes sense. Just bookmark this thread and return to it WHEN your life goes off the rails thanks to this man. You were warned. [/quote]
PP here. Let me add that I've been you.

I dated a 43 year old for years starting when I was 24 and we got engaged.

The best thing he ever did for me was look at me one day during a fight and ask me what made me think he and I were equals when he was already a teenager before my parents even thought of conceiving me. It felt like a punch. He took that back later and apologized profusely, but it really stuck in my head. I broke up with him shortly after and went back to dating men my own age.

I am now 40 years old and I am so, so glad that ex of mine slipped up the way he did. I realize now that there's nothing a 20-something year-old could ever do to close the gap of cunning that a 10+ year age difference creates. One day, when you're 46, you'll look back and you'll realize that being in the second half of your life is a completely different headspace than being a 20-something.

I get what he's doing. Listen, when you're 40-something and then you've also been burned in marriage before, you end up goal oriented with zero idealism. Power and its uses become a lot more clear to you. Especially as a soon-to-be divorcee myself, there are worse things than knowing that if things go badly, your partner will get the worse end of it. My ex and I are only 3 years apart and the divorce is still hell. He's putting me through it. I can't imagine if I was divorcing someone with almost 20 years on me who had already done it before and could bring all that to bear. Maybe that's subconsciously part of why I'm suddenly exclusively attracted to men in their mid to late 20s?

You're not going to get the better or even equal end of any deal with him, whether marriage or divorce. So, you'd better stay on his good side. He's been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and he has far greater emotional and financial resources than you.

Don't forget the gender dynamic either. You're the one who's going to carry the pregnancies and deal with your market value romantically and career-wise diminishing because you're a mom. Your physical and emotional health could also be impacted by childbearing. His won't be because he's not carrying a single baby. All of that on top of a preexisting power dynamic?

What are the people in your life saying? What do your parents think? Or are they afraid to tell you the truth for fear you'll distance yourself? [/quote]

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