19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Be prepared to be a nurse to him sooner than you think.

[Anonymous]

Have not read all the posts but I’d say consider this so seriously. I am married to a man 15 years older and now that he is over 70, it is a struggle. He has gotten sick, cranky and no get up and go. But I’m at the stage where I want to travel and hang out doing things and am limited because of his health. I love him but it is hard. We have very little in common, somehow are similar interests went in different directions. My dh had been married before me but had no children. We have one in college and she sees the major differences with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this kindly as someone who dated older for most of my 20s and who was engaged to someone 11 years older -- don't do this.

Partnering with someone significantly puts you at a disadvantage -- they earn more and they are more established in their career, so your mobility is limited. When there is a choice about where to go in the relationship, when you do the math, you will always lose out -- because you earn less and have less time invested in a career. It's unfair in a way that is very subtle, and I didn't realize the dynamic until it was too late.

I have really encouraged my DD to partner with someone much closer to her age.

Also, as a divorced parent of 2, it's a huge red flag that your partner already has 2 older kids - does he have full 50% custody? Does he take care of 50% of the parenting load?

I really think you should get into individual therapy and consider why you are willing to accept such a limited future life for yourself in the name of "love". It's a huge romanticization and de-rationalization of one of the most important decisions you will make in your life.

Also because he actually has two kids already and you guys only have hypothetical kids at this point. His original family is always going to win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He been divorced for eight years (been together 1.5), he has two kids who are 17 & 14, and he does want kids with me.

Oh god OP. HELL NO.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have not read all the posts but I’d say consider this so seriously. I am married to a man 15 years older and now that he is over 70, it is a struggle. He has gotten sick, cranky and no get up and go. But I’m at the stage where I want to travel and hang out doing things and am limited because of his health. I love him but it is hard. We have very little in common, somehow are similar interests went in different directions. My dh had been married before me but had no children. We have one in college and she sees the major differences with him.

Why can't you go travel and do all the other things you want to do and leave him home? How bad is his health? Can you put him in assisted living at some point soon if he's holding you back that much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister did this. She had to nurse him through Parkinson's, which killed him. I'd take a hard pass. Are you expecting to be geographically mobile in order to put your degree to use? You probably will put your education on the backburner if his money is always around as a cushion.

His money is HIS cushion - he's got inherited wealth and he's a law partner, so he's obviously going to lock that up in both marriage and death. OP, no cushion.

[Anonymous]

OP, is there anything you can hear from friends and internet strangers that will actually change your mind, or are you going to have to learn and understand through pain and suffering? This is an overwhelmingly bad deal for you - no one should marry a man who is 19 years old and has 2 kids already. No circumstances justify this kind of sacrifice on your part. You will trade the most beautiful parts of marriage (the honeymoon phase with no kids where you get to just enjoy each other as a couple - you need the goodwill from that time to carry you through the harder days ahead) and the experience of being a first time parent together for stepkids and a husband so old he could be your father. Sorry in advance for the life you are choosing.

[Anonymous]

My dad and his wife (she's wife #3) have a 15-year gap. It was totally fine for a while! She got a lot in the "deal"-- US citizenship for herself and her tween son, and he adopted and very much parented her son including through some difficult post-college failure-to-launch and substance use years. (Which my dad was super unhappy about, but he did it). Anyway, now she's 65 and he's 80, and though he's really quite healthy for 80, he can't do anywhere near the activity level that he used to do. She travels without him for maybe 10-12 weeks a year, since he's not willing/able to do much traveling anymore. He's already had one heart attack, but it won't be the last.

She never really made friends of her own in the area, and his friend group sort of tolerates her but they and their same-age wives don't really see her as a peer. (This is of course more complex because she's of a different culture too). Now that his friends are aging, dying, and/or moving away, she's pretty socially isolated. It's no fun being the healthier spouse long-term and it's even less fun being the youngest/healthiest person in a friend group with everyone asking you to help them with their crises. Her son married but isn't having children, so my kids are the only grandkids and while she is very nice to my kids, I know it just isn't the same and it makes her sad.

Most of all, nobody has that much sympathy for her. The age gap is exactly as big as it was on the day they met, and everything has played out exactly as one would expect re: their health. So what did she think was going to happen?

The best thing about it is that they truly love each other and get along. For me, it's great, because she's my dad's primary caregiver and she does a terrific job. I don't know if she regrets it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there anything you can hear from friends and internet strangers that will actually change your mind, or are you going to have to learn and understand through pain and suffering? This is an overwhelmingly bad deal for you - no one should marry a man who is 19 years old and has 2 kids already. No circumstances justify this kind of sacrifice on your part. You will trade the most beautiful parts of marriage (the honeymoon phase with no kids where you get to just enjoy each other as a couple - you need the goodwill from that time to carry you through the harder days ahead) and the experience of being a first time parent together for stepkids and a husband so old he could be your father. Sorry in advance for the life you are choosing.

Yes! My time with dh before kids was so fun! We grew up together, in a sense, and started building our history. We're a month apart in age, have 2 teens and have been through highs and lows over the past 25 years. It was those carefree early days that we recall and laugh about when things are rough. I love our shared history and that we are growing old together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He been divorced for eight years (been together 1.5), he has two kids who are 17 & 14, and he does want kids with me.

A divorced dad pushing 50 with kids who are only about a decade younger than you and are teens at that.

OP, this man is getting a lot out of you -- the physical, someone he can control because you have much less life and relationship experience than he does, a fresh uterus, a new sucker to do the lion's share of caring for his next set of kids. He's also getting a soon-to-be nurse and caretaker who will not be in the position to receive care from him because he's going to predecease you if your marriage even lasts that long.

What TANGIBLE benefits are YOU getting out of being with an old man with this much baggage? (No, having your ego boosted about how mature you are while also being so much better looking than women his age isn't a benefit. Those manipulative compliments will dry up once he has you trapped with marriage and a baby.)

Do you even really know why his first marriage ended? Believing his self-serving version of events does not count as "knowledge."

I don't think you're going to listen because if you had the insight to know what a TRAIN WRECK you are signing up for, you wouldn't be here asking if there's any way your relationship makes sense. Just bookmark this thread and return to it WHEN your life goes off the rails thanks to this man. You were warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He been divorced for eight years (been together 1.5), he has two kids who are 17 & 14, and he does want kids with me.

A divorced dad pushing 50 with kids who are only about a decade younger than you and are teens at that.

OP, this man is getting a lot out of you -- the physical, someone he can control because you have much less life and relationship experience than he does, a fresh uterus, a new sucker to do the lion's share of caring for his next set of kids. He's also getting a soon-to-be nurse and caretaker who will not be in the position to receive care from him because he's going to predecease you if your marriage even lasts that long.

What TANGIBLE benefits are YOU getting out of being with an old man with this much baggage? (No, having your ego boosted about how mature you are while also being so much better looking than women his age isn't a benefit. Those manipulative compliments will dry up once he has you trapped with marriage and a baby.)

Do you even really know why his first marriage ended? Believing his self-serving version of events does not count as "knowledge."

I don't think you're going to listen because if you had the insight to know what a TRAIN WRECK you are signing up for, you wouldn't be here asking if there's any way your relationship makes sense. Just bookmark this thread and return to it WHEN your life goes off the rails thanks to this man. You were warned.

The ego boost comment hit hard. op, think about it!

[Anonymous]

Yes it can work. He may have learned a ton and grew. My uncle married my aunt after a 10 year relationship and kids were 15 and 14. They have been married for 35 years. He was in his 40s and my aunt in her late 20's. My uncle has been an amazing presence in my life. I think the age gap works best because most men want to get it right. Be open and don't let other women's stories dissuade you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it can work. He may have learned a ton and grew. My uncle married my aunt after a 10 year relationship and kids were 15 and 14. They have been married for 35 years. He was in his 40s and my aunt in her late 20's. My uncle has been an amazing presence in my life. I think the age gap works best because most men want to get it right. Be open and don't let other women's stories dissuade you.

What evidence do you have that "most "men want to get it right? You've offered up one marriage in your circle that you're not even close enough to really know about. No sane uncle or aunt is sharing the ins and outs of their marriage with their niece. Your aunt could be secretly regretting it and thinking she would not make the same choice if she got a redo, but she would never unfairly burden you by confiding that in you if she's a sensible person.

[Anonymous]

Women here are all so negative and there is bias against men on this forum, especially older divorced men. You don’t know this guy and why he and his ex-wife got a divorce.

A 19yr gap doesn’t guarantee having to be his caretaker. Some people have 25-30 year age differences and good marriages. She can always divorce later if caretaking becomes an issue that she doesn’t want to deal with. She and her kids will be all set money wise.

It sounds like

1. You love each other
2. He has money
3. You’ll have money soon
4. You both want kids
5. You don’t have an issue with his age

Then, yes, everything will be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women here are all so negative and there is bias against men on this forum, especially older divorced men. You don’t know this guy and why he and his ex-wife got a divorce.

A 19yr gap doesn’t guarantee having to be his caretaker. Some people have 25-30 year age differences and good marriages. She can always divorce later if caretaking becomes an issue that she doesn’t want to deal with. She and her kids will be all set money wise.

It sounds like

1. You love each other
2. He has money
3. You’ll have money soon
4. You both want kids
5. You don’t have an issue with his age

Then, yes, everything will be OK.

You're extremely shortsighted.