Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op - I'll TLDR it for you.
the answer is yes. I, for example, do.
But all the sahms on here will say 'no he is so happy for me to stay home and do f all! and also being a mom is a full time job even though my kids are in school all day! I still need to take them to sports sometimes!
Meanwhile every dude I know whose wife does nothing, while they may say they are ok with it, kind of isn't.
The very wealthy (like $1.5m+ HHI a year) a little more so but the wives are then expected to do a lot of volunteering/ have interests. It's a little embarrassing for the dh when they have nothing going on.

I went back to work part time once all kids were in school. But here is what I will say:

I think the problem with this is the DHs feel this way but many are still not willing or able to help with: summers, vacations & days off, sick days, after school activities, school pickup. Depending on the age of the kid and school situation, obviously. And not all of that is easily hired out (some is), especially if you have multiple kids. In many cases the DH has become very accustomed to having his wife do all of those things if she was a SAHM in the earliest years….and wants his wife to go back to work yet isn’t willing to make adjustments on his end.

We struggled a lot with that at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op - I'll TLDR it for you.
the answer is yes. I, for example, do.
But all the sahms on here will say 'no he is so happy for me to stay home and do f all! and also being a mom is a full time job even though my kids are in school all day! I still need to take them to sports sometimes!
Meanwhile every dude I know whose wife does nothing, while they may say they are ok with it, kind of isn't.
The very wealthy (like $1.5m+ HHI a year) a little more so but the wives are then expected to do a lot of volunteering/ have interests. It's a little embarrassing for the dh when they have nothing going on.

I saw this happen in my own parents’ marriage. My mother never worked outside the home because my dad had a lucrative job where he would be transferred regularly and he wanted her to handle the house and kids. She kept everything running at home and he would still take digs at her and praise the working women in his office. Looking at their dynamic made me determined to never be in that position.

That’s awful! Glad my husband is nothing like your dad!

[Anonymous]

For some families, it makes more sense to stay home. We were young expats with no support network and learning the ropes of a new system in a new culture. We realized the need of a strong home base where everyone felt comfortable and cherished because outside life was alien and stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as the arrangement was fully discussed and agreed upon, I doubt see why the working spouse would care.

It's usually the situations where one spouse was just going to SAH until the kid entered school...and then school rolls around and the spouse isn't working. Those cause problems because now in theory, one spouse is unilaterally changing the deal.

Also, let's face it, there are situations where one spouse makes a ton of $$$s and the other spouse makes relatively little and doesn't like their job much.

Or, someone (often mom or lower earner) steps back from career to raise children or to move to a new location for partner’s career. When school starts, re-entering work force is tricky and pay scale won’t be what it was upon career exit. It’s demoralizing.

[Anonymous]

I don't care what your husband thinks of me, I'm Not married to him. I only care what MY husband thinks and he LOVES that I don't work fulltime anymore.
It makes his life easier, partially because I'm so much happier not working.

[Anonymous]

I think we would be resentful if one of us stopped working, but we couldn't afford the other to stop. We both have stressful jobs that weigh on us and hobbies that we would much prefer. So, if my spouse decides to stop working at any point, so will I. We'll have to draw down our assets and stick to a budget. I don't like work enough to carry another adult, plus I get a little jealous when my spouse gets more time with the kids than me. I get the sense my spouse feels the same way. We both would prefer to be with the kids and pursue hobbies overworking.

[Anonymous]

I want to go back to work and DH wants me to stay home. Other wives I know want to stay home but they either can’t afford it or their marriage isn’t strong enough or the husband doesn’t want to support her financially. Then there are the women who have the short end of the stick and they have to work, so all the kid stuff and have a partner who doesn’t pull his weight financially or domestically.

[Anonymous]

I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op - I'll TLDR it for you.
the answer is yes. I, for example, do.
But all the sahms on here will say 'no he is so happy for me to stay home and do f all! and also being a mom is a full time job even though my kids are in school all day! I still need to take them to sports sometimes!
Meanwhile every dude I know whose wife does nothing, while they may say they are ok with it, kind of isn't.
The very wealthy (like $1.5m+ HHI a year) a little more so but the wives are then expected to do a lot of volunteering/ have interests. It's a little embarrassing for the dh when they have nothing going on.

I saw this happen in my own parents’ marriage. My mother never worked outside the home because my dad had a lucrative job where he would be transferred regularly and he wanted her to handle the house and kids. She kept everything running at home and he would still take digs at her and praise the working women in his office. Looking at their dynamic made me determined to never be in that position.

That’s awful! Glad my husband is nothing like your dad!

+1 and I hope the PP also learned never to marry someone like her father!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing leisurely about changing diapers. If the stay at home spouse is a parent of a child under 3, that is harder than a full time job outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

DP here. I was a driven person and married a fellow ambitious person. We decided that having too big careers with 3 kids was not ideal for our children so we decided I would stay home. DH earns a seven figure income and I raise our three kids. They are at three different schools and keep me plenty busy.