My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

I was joking about Freudian analysis, but its' amazing how that has been so ingrained into our society even if nobody really practices it anymore.

it’s kind of an interesting question whether Freud is the root of this or whether he became popular because he played into a broader obsession, I could make the case either way.

But anyway, I would try to explain it to your wife that the app you’re doing is based on cognitive behavioral therapy and you’re finding it really useful.

+1

She's a fan of 10% happier. She doesn't use the app but really likes the other content they produce. It just is very focused on being productive—"here's a thing you can do when you feel stressed..." instead of being, "Today, let's see if we can make you really cry thinking about something that happened when you were nine years old..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

That's good. Whatever works is good.

For me, it was obvious why their visits made me anxious.

And I actually had a moment with my dad when visiting him and HE got anxious, where I told him that if my presence made him anxious, then I was happy to give him more space. It just seemed the obvious solution, and he was so relieved. I view my distant relationship with my father as being as much for his benefit as mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

That's good. Whatever works is good.

For me, it was obvious why their visits made me anxious.

And I actually had a moment with my dad when visiting him and HE got anxious, where I told him that if my presence made him anxious, then I was happy to give him more space. It just seemed the obvious solution, and he was so relieved. I view my distant relationship with my father as being as much for his benefit as mine.

I’m happy for you that you’ve found something that works. I hope your wife can understand that just because something wouldn’t work for her doesn’t mean it’s not okay for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I’m the PP you were talking to about Freud and I actually have found it very useful to talk to a therapist about unhappy things. But in my case, it was more of a “wow I am super anxious whenever my parents visit, what’s up with that?” and unpacking a lot of the unhappy stuff helped me to understand what was going on and then move past it. Now I am able to enjoy their visits, or at least enjoy my kids enjoying them. But we approached the talking about unhappy things in a very CBT way: OK, what are the thoughts that are occurring when you think about your parents, etc. etc. Learning to recognize the patterns was key to interrupting them. And now I’m done!

But I know someone who has cut off a bad dad and is sad that things were such that that was the right call, but whatever, that’s life. And I don’t think that person needs therapy to deal with it.

That's good. Whatever works is good.

For me, it was obvious why their visits made me anxious.

And I actually had a moment with my dad when visiting him and HE got anxious, where I told him that if my presence made him anxious, then I was happy to give him more space. It just seemed the obvious solution, and he was so relieved. I view my distant relationship with my father as being as much for his benefit as mine.

I’m happy for you that you’ve found something that works. I hope your wife can understand that just because something wouldn’t work for her doesn’t mean it’s not okay for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

I have lost patience, but I walked away. I promise you I never took my stuff out on my kids. Even as a child, I knew I didn't deserve the treatment I was subjected to. My peaceful, loving approach to child rearing was born out of a need to prove it could be done. A feel immense pride that i was not only able to break the cycle of abuse, I was able to raise them extremely well. I didn't do it alone. Dh was on board with not only not abusing or otherwise belittling our kids, but to give them the childhood we and every child deserves. There have been challenges, but we have stuck to our values and goals. It is amazingly easy to be loving and patient when you continue to suffer from childhood wounds and would do anything to spare your child that type of disability and pain.

Did you achieve all this with therapy?

I had 4 years of therapy in my 20's. I had my children in my 30's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

+1

[Anonymous]

10 pages over problems you alleged don’t have anymore? Very fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

A lot of people have also said therapy worked for them but you can and should do what works for you. You’re putting all “therapy was good for me” posters into the same basket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.

I came here to discuss why some people are so attached to the idea that we all have some deep unaddressed trauma that needs to be talked out, and lots of people have made thoughtful suggestions for ways that one can better themself that don't involve all that, and a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

A lot of people have also said therapy worked for them but you can and should do what works for you. You’re putting all “therapy was good for me” posters into the same basket.

No, I said a small number of people who seem totally in thrall to the idea of paying a therapist to talk about unhappy things have reacted very poorly.

I've got no issue with people who said, "Therapy worked for me, but maybe it's not for you... have you considered x, y or z?"

It's the people who insisted I was abusing my children because I didn't want to pay someone to talk about my dad, who I already know all about, that I have an issue with.

[Anonymous]

You seem really hung up on the idea that therapy is going to be all about talking about your dad, even though many people have posted that lots of psychotherapies don’t delve into the past that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem really hung up on the idea that therapy is going to be all about talking about your dad, even though many people have posted that lots of psychotherapies don’t delve into the past that way.

Did you read the OP or any of the rest of the thread?

My wife specifically believes I need to go to therapy to talk about my relationship with my father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's obviously lots of details that can't be included, but you know, I'm a modern american husband and father, and I have stress in my life. Sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes I make parenting mistakes, etc. My own parents were not great, but I'm very aware of all that, and I've worked hard to avoid the mistakes they made—in fact, my parenting flaws, which I have, are very unlike theirs.

My wife thinks therapy would be helpful and would help me "unpack" my feelings about my parents and help me be a better father or person. I've tried therapy and I found it extremely unrewarding—I felt like I just had to have a conversation with a person I don't know, about things that I already know about and don't really enjoy talking about, and she gave me kind of milquetoast suggestions on how to handle various issues. I didn't cry or discover anything new about myself.

I understand the importance of not suppressing things, but I also think that it's important to not dwell. I'm not deeply opposed to the idea of therapy and it does seem to help some people, but I feel like I'm pretty introspective and aware. I guess I'm just wondering if maybe there's a certain KIND of therapist or style of therapy that might be more productive?

Oh no my husband found dcum!

DH could be you. He’s busy, stressed, overall happy but aware of his issues. When I suggested therapy he brushed it off since he said he doesn’t want to dwell on the past and he has a good handle on what his problem behaviors are.

Finally, he did open up to the idea and went. He’s working with a therapist that uses (I think) cognitive behavioral therapy or something similar. Sessions are not about needlessly drudging up the past and circling the same issues repetitively but are about modifying responses to stress and actually practicing behaviors that serve him in the here and now. He goes fairly sporadically but he’s actually found it useful.

I see it like working out for him, it enhances his ability work through things as they come up and it makes him mentally stronger and more adaptable.

Going to one session is not a big deal, if you hate it you don’t have to go back. But do a little research to make sure you are going to someone who will actually be able to work for you

[Anonymous]

I do not like therapy. I don’t need to rehash my life with anyone.

OP, it seems you and your wife need to brush up on parenting skills. I’m sure she has dealt with morning meltdowns and not been happy either. There must be consequences and incentives for kids who won’t listen. You need to discuss this with your wife, not a therapist.

Hang in there!