My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

I have lost patience, but I walked away. I promise you I never took my stuff out on my kids. Even as a child, I knew I didn't deserve the treatment I was subjected to. My peaceful, loving approach to child rearing was born out of a need to prove it could be done. A feel immense pride that i was not only able to break the cycle of abuse, I was able to raise them extremely well. I didn't do it alone. Dh was on board with not only not abusing or otherwise belittling our kids, but to give them the childhood we and every child deserves. There have been challenges, but we have stuck to our values and goals. It is amazingly easy to be loving and patient when you continue to suffer from childhood wounds and would do anything to spare your child that type of disability and pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

I have lost patience, but I walked away. I promise you I never took my stuff out on my kids. Even as a child, I knew I didn't deserve the treatment I was subjected to. My peaceful, loving approach to child rearing was born out of a need to prove it could be done. A feel immense pride that i was not only able to break the cycle of abuse, I was able to raise them extremely well. I didn't do it alone. Dh was on board with not only not abusing or otherwise belittling our kids, but to give them the childhood we and every child deserves. There have been challenges, but we have stuck to our values and goals. It is amazingly easy to be loving and patient when you continue to suffer from childhood wounds and would do anything to spare your child that type of disability and pain.

Did you achieve all this with therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

I have lost patience, but I walked away. I promise you I never took my stuff out on my kids. Even as a child, I knew I didn't deserve the treatment I was subjected to. My peaceful, loving approach to child rearing was born out of a need to prove it could be done. A feel immense pride that i was not only able to break the cycle of abuse, I was able to raise them extremely well. I didn't do it alone. Dh was on board with not only not abusing or otherwise belittling our kids, but to give them the childhood we and every child deserves. There have been challenges, but we have stuck to our values and goals. It is amazingly easy to be loving and patient when you continue to suffer from childhood wounds and would do anything to spare your child that type of disability and pain.

I'm 56% sure you're being sincere, but this is extremely condescending and pushes the believability down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

Agreed. I also don't know a single parent who ever decided that yelling at their kids and losing their temper when things got challenging was going to be the plan.

I'm sure there are some cold-blooded parents who do that, but I think to be able to never actually yell at your kids requires a similar type of sociopathy that would also allow you to intentionally yell at them.

Yelling at them was never an option. In a frustrating situation, I stay calm. On the rare occasions I felt anger surfacing, I walked away. This was standard from my kids' earliest days. They knew that when I walked away, they needed to get their act together and did so. If they were unable to, then I understood they needed something more. Patience, empathy and compassion go a long way with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

Nobody is saying mornings with kids are stress free. Loosing your temper with kids for doing normal kid things, especially if you do it frequently, is a problem.

If someone regularly finds themselves in the same or similar stressful situations, I’m only talking about normal life situations like OP has described, and isn’t handling them well, they don’t have the tools to cope. Therapy is one of several tools discussed.

LOSING not loosing.

Thank you! I’m typing on my phone with the “assistance” of autocorrect.

I thought it was a test to see if I could control my temper or if I needed therapy.

I think most (likely all) people on this thread are trying to help you since you asked a question. A lot of us had crappy childhoods and want to be better parents. You’re in good company. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all 9 pages, but I was very reluctant to therapy.

Now that I'm well into it I'm amazed at how helpful it's been.

It helps me understand what pushed my buttons. A better understanding of that means that my reactions (especially w/ my kids) are more balanced now, and I am MUCH more in control of my own anger and frustration levels.

Therapy has helped me set much needed boundaries with other family members.

Therapy has helped me find ways to feel more calm, more forgiveness for my own limitations, and more balance in my life.

As a result I am much more patient as a parent, more more rational as a spouse, and much more comfortable in my own skin.

I got very lucky w/ the therapist I found - my results could easily have been quite different had it not been a good fit.

I don't think therapy is for everyone, or a magic cure, or provides all the skills I need for parenting (by a mile!) but it has really helped me understand myself soooo much better than I realized was needed. And that is reaping huge benefits.

What I would say is that i my spouse was repeatedly suggesting therapy to me I would take that very seriously, even if I didn't fully understand or agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all 9 pages, but I was very reluctant to therapy.

Now that I'm well into it I'm amazed at how helpful it's been.

It helps me understand what pushed my buttons. A better understanding of that means that my reactions (especially w/ my kids) are more balanced now, and I am MUCH more in control of my own anger and frustration levels.

Therapy has helped me set much needed boundaries with other family members.

Therapy has helped me find ways to feel more calm, more forgiveness for my own limitations, and more balance in my life.

As a result I am much more patient as a parent, more more rational as a spouse, and much more comfortable in my own skin.

I got very lucky w/ the therapist I found - my results could easily have been quite different had it not been a good fit.

I don't think therapy is for everyone, or a magic cure, or provides all the skills I need for parenting (by a mile!) but it has really helped me understand myself soooo much better than I realized was needed. And that is reaping huge benefits.

What I would say is that i my spouse was repeatedly suggesting therapy to me I would take that very seriously, even if I didn't fully understand or agree.

Counterpoint: if therapy is an anti-science hokey waste of money and your spouse won’t stop insisting you go instead of taking steps to genuinely solve your problem like a parenting class, you should not take it seriously and you should wonder what their problem is. #teamOP

[Anonymous]

It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

I was joking about Freudian analysis, but its' amazing how that has been so ingrained into our society even if nobody really practices it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t saying “your behavior is a problem and you need to fix it, consider therapy” But rather “you must’ve been messed up by your past, therefore therapy.” There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions, but what constitutes trauma and how a person should deal with it, and while I have found therapy helpful not everybody wants or needs it.

OP here, yes, this.

I was hoping for some better explanations of the types of therapy and I did learn about CBT which does sound much more applicable to my situation, but also a lot like things I've already done and continue to do. So that's good. But I didn't really get any clearer idea why some people are so wedded to the idea of therapy, as in, the person you spill your guts to, not the concept of self-examination and self-improvement.

I'm completely bewildered by the number of people who jump to the conclusion that my wife hates me, I abuse my children, I don't want them to have a good life, I refuse to admit having any flaws or refuse to improve myself... all because I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad.

I wonder if I should bring up freudian analysis... nobody believes that stuff anymore, right?

There is a widespread cultural notion that long-term therapy, which means the continued uncovering of your true inner self whom you otherwise cannot understand, is a necessary part of being a fully actualized human being. I think this is nonsense. Therapy is great for giving you the tools to solve specific problems, but you should be able to go into agreeing with your therapist the condition you want to end up in (no more morning anxiety attacks, whatever) and then work towards getting there and be done therapy.

+1

Do you think that's perpetuated by therapists or by patients who don't want to let go of the process?

Both! But it’s part of a broader belief that there’s some kind of secret core self that you can discover, as opposed to the self being a thing that you create over time with choices and habits. (From particular raw material, obviously, individual character is a real thing.) but I think a lot of therapists and patients alike, and a lot of people who are not personally in therapy but think it’s just dandy for everyone, have bought into this model without really realizing it.

I was joking about Freudian analysis, but its' amazing how that has been so ingrained into our society even if nobody really practices it anymore.

it’s kind of an interesting question whether Freud is the root of this or whether he became popular because he played into a broader obsession, I could make the case either way.

But anyway, I would try to explain it to your wife that the app you’re doing is based on cognitive behavioral therapy and you’re finding it really useful.

[Anonymous]

This thread just proves that people don't generally come looking for true information, much less different opinions, so much as they come looking to validate their own point of view.

If you think therapy is a good and useful thing, then it probably will be helpful to you. If you think it's "anti-science hokey" or something you have zero need of, then it likely won't be of value.

Pretty much a self-perpetuating discussion here and real life decision making.

I feel for your wife OP.