I disconnected my direct deposit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

I think you need therapy. This isn't normal at all.

But please so divorce your poor DH. He doesn't deserve your contempt.

[Anonymous]

Not OP-
But it sounds like the 30K would mean be hears that she is stressed, understands that she wants to downshift, and is willing to step up to take off some of the emotional and financial load.

Other options that would also help would be downsizing to the rental property they already own

Or him finding a financial planner who shows how they can maximize their current situation so they can reach shared goals without OP having to overwork to make 75% of the household income.

Or marriage counseling so they can feel like partners.

OP I think a therapist is a great idea. Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner on your own? Are you on mediation for anxiety? Does your OB know you are struggling? Do you have a doula or local support?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to talk to a doctor about PPD because you make 0 sense at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

You’re not thinking clearly. You work in a volatile industry that it’s not possible to do part time or dial back, yet you want to dial back, and you’re not qualified for anything else.

You’re incredibly anxious about money yet you want to divorce a person with a stable job and decent salary, but to whom you may need to pay some sort of support after divorce, yet somehow this will lead to less anxiety about money and less time and energy spent worry about work for you? And more time with your kids (who will be what - preschool age and an infant)?

I get it that your resentment of your husband runs deep and either he is clueless about how miserable you are or you are outwardly hostile to each other. Divorce may be the best thing for your marriage. But it isn’t going to solve the problems you seem to think it will - those are yours to solve internally.

My advice: individual counseling (and maybe medication) for you, marriage counseling for you both, meet with a financial advisor to get an honest picture of your current assets. Get through the next 2 months and then take 4-6 months of parental leave. After 2 months employ an executive search firm to help you identify transferable skills so you can downshift into something more suitable for your mental health and preferred lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

Lady, you aren’t being clever. He has already made it clear he doesn’t want to work more. And playing weird manipulative financial hiding games isn’t going to make that change and it’s not going to help you if you divorce. He’s isn’t going to change career paths just because you’re playing games with deposits.

And honestly a professor and whatever you can make with a more laid back job should be enough to raise 2 kids.

But clearly you’d rather prioritize money money money by trying to force him to make more instead of just cutting back spending. You mention *nothing* about how he is as a father or partner around the house. You just want him to become your ATM machine so you can work less but keep the same lifestyle, and you’re willing to break up your family if he doesn’t bring home that bacon to your liking. It’s actually pretty gross.

-Working mom who earns the same as her DH. We both make 150k in flexible jobs. It’s plenty. I’d rather have him around for family dinners and to coach youth sports than force one of us to take on some super stressful high earner role.

That’s nice “lady.” I don’t have a flexible job, and I’m stressed. Or maybe I’m incompetent as others have speculated. If there was some easy flexible 150k job I could get living in a college town (all for my husband’s job) I would take it. I am not aware of that option so I work remote doing the only thing I know how to do.

I don’t want my husband to go work a super stressful high earner role. Taking some initiative to go from 120k to 150k with more applied grants or consulting work would be a great step in the right direction.

I don’t care if you think I’m gross and I hope you don’t mind that I think you are a self righteous idiot.

You can’t possibly be this upset about $30k/year given your level of earning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP-
But it sounds like the 30K would mean be hears that she is stressed, understands that she wants to downshift, and is willing to step up to take off some of the emotional and financial load.

Other options that would also help would be downsizing to the rental property they already own

Or him finding a financial planner who shows how they can maximize their current situation so they can reach shared goals without OP having to overwork to make 75% of the household income.

Or marriage counseling so they can feel like partners.

OP I think a therapist is a great idea. Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner on your own? Are you on mediation for anxiety? Does your OB know you are struggling? Do you have a doula or local support?

Yes exactly. Thank you for understanding.
30k more would mean being very close to being able to live on his income, definitely so if we moved to the rental house.

That would be the difference between me stressing about getting fired and me being at peace because I know we’re ok if I am out of work, and it would mean me not feeling ALONE in that stress.

And I am aware that a well paying remote role is the dream for many. I don’t think these people understand what sales is like. It’s every day on the chopping block even when many/most of the things that can impact your performance are completely out of your control. Evidently I happen to be very talented at it, which is why I made it this far, but I do NOT have the mental constitution to keep doing it. Call me a loser if you want. It’s just the truth. This past quarter one of my large deals pushed to April, I had Covid, and I’m 3 months pregnant. The stress of having to push through complete exhaustion to show my leadership I was doing everything I could to ram this deal through to the finish line (and then still failing) almost broke me. I do not want to live like this. Last year I got laid off from a different role and was VERY fortunate to find a new one quickly with a competitor. MANY people I know got laid off and have been out of work for over a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP-
But it sounds like the 30K would mean be hears that she is stressed, understands that she wants to downshift, and is willing to step up to take off some of the emotional and financial load.

Other options that would also help would be downsizing to the rental property they already own

Or him finding a financial planner who shows how they can maximize their current situation so they can reach shared goals without OP having to overwork to make 75% of the household income.

Or marriage counseling so they can feel like partners.

OP I think a therapist is a great idea. Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner on your own? Are you on mediation for anxiety? Does your OB know you are struggling? Do you have a doula or local support?

Yes exactly. Thank you for understanding.
30k more would mean being very close to being able to live on his income, definitely so if we moved to the rental house.

That would be the difference between me stressing about getting fired and me being at peace because I know we’re ok if I am out of work, and it would mean me not feeling ALONE in that stress.

And I am aware that a well paying remote role is the dream for many. I don’t think these people understand what sales is like. It’s every day on the chopping block even when many/most of the things that can impact your performance are completely out of your control. Evidently I happen to be very talented at it, which is why I made it this far, but I do NOT have the mental constitution to keep doing it. Call me a loser if you want. It’s just the truth. This past quarter one of my large deals pushed to April, I had Covid, and I’m 3 months pregnant. The stress of having to push through complete exhaustion to show my leadership I was doing everything I could to ram this deal through to the finish line (and then still failing) almost broke me. I do not want to live like this. Last year I got laid off from a different role and was VERY fortunate to find a new one quickly with a competitor. MANY people I know got laid off and have been out of work for over a year.

Sorry, third trimester, 7 months pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Keep it up, OP. You’ll be divorced and will see your kids 50% of the time. Hardly Mother of the Year. Choosing to push this to the brink of divorce. Do you even actually want your kids? Doubtful. This seems like you want to be a 50% mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 32 weeks pregnant. I have a 3 year old. I hate my demanding job. My not high earning husband is about to start a year sabbatical, and I will have 5 months fully paid leave plus bonus. We have 2 years of living expenses in liquid savings.

So I disconnected my direct deposit and I am quiet quitting at work until whenever I get pushed out for prioritizing being a mother and self care.

My husband can use his sabbatical to figure out how to improve his income to cover our full living expenses because I am done subsidizing his hobby job.

Thanks for listening and go ahead and flame away.

LEEEROOOOYY JENNKINNNS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP used her husband for a sperm donor (and probably insurance for all those fertility treatments), and now says make more or I'm leaving you. What an awful spouse.

I'm wondering is OP is originally from another country and used the DH for citizenship. And now she's looking for a way out.

Each post gets sadder than the last. I really hope it's the pregnancy hormones talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP-
But it sounds like the 30K would mean be hears that she is stressed, understands that she wants to downshift, and is willing to step up to take off some of the emotional and financial load.

Other options that would also help would be downsizing to the rental property they already own

Or him finding a financial planner who shows how they can maximize their current situation so they can reach shared goals without OP having to overwork to make 75% of the household income.

Or marriage counseling so they can feel like partners.

OP I think a therapist is a great idea. Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner on your own? Are you on mediation for anxiety? Does your OB know you are struggling? Do you have a doula or local support?

Yes exactly. Thank you for understanding.
30k more would mean being very close to being able to live on his income, definitely so if we moved to the rental house.

That would be the difference between me stressing about getting fired and me being at peace because I know we’re ok if I am out of work, and it would mean me not feeling ALONE in that stress.

And I am aware that a well paying remote role is the dream for many. I don’t think these people understand what sales is like. It’s every day on the chopping block even when many/most of the things that can impact your performance are completely out of your control. Evidently I happen to be very talented at it, which is why I made it this far, but I do NOT have the mental constitution to keep doing it. Call me a loser if you want. It’s just the truth. This past quarter one of my large deals pushed to April, I had Covid, and I’m 3 months pregnant. The stress of having to push through complete exhaustion to show my leadership I was doing everything I could to ram this deal through to the finish line (and then still failing) almost broke me. I do not want to live like this. Last year I got laid off from a different role and was VERY fortunate to find a new one quickly with a competitor. MANY people I know got laid off and have been out of work for over a year.

And yet youre trying to get fired... You aren't thinking straight. I'd say you were cutting your nose off to spite your face, but it's so so much worse and you don't seem to grasp it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP-
But it sounds like the 30K would mean be hears that she is stressed, understands that she wants to downshift, and is willing to step up to take off some of the emotional and financial load.

Other options that would also help would be downsizing to the rental property they already own

Or him finding a financial planner who shows how they can maximize their current situation so they can reach shared goals without OP having to overwork to make 75% of the household income.

Or marriage counseling so they can feel like partners.

OP I think a therapist is a great idea. Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner on your own? Are you on mediation for anxiety? Does your OB know you are struggling? Do you have a doula or local support?

Yes exactly. Thank you for understanding.
30k more would mean being very close to being able to live on his income, definitely so if we moved to the rental house.

That would be the difference between me stressing about getting fired and me being at peace because I know we’re ok if I am out of work, and it would mean me not feeling ALONE in that stress.

And I am aware that a well paying remote role is the dream for many. I don’t think these people understand what sales is like. It’s every day on the chopping block even when many/most of the things that can impact your performance are completely out of your control. Evidently I happen to be very talented at it, which is why I made it this far, but I do NOT have the mental constitution to keep doing it. Call me a loser if you want. It’s just the truth. This past quarter one of my large deals pushed to April, I had Covid, and I’m 3 months pregnant. The stress of having to push through complete exhaustion to show my leadership I was doing everything I could to ram this deal through to the finish line (and then still failing) almost broke me. I do not want to live like this. Last year I got laid off from a different role and was VERY fortunate to find a new one quickly with a competitor. MANY people I know got laid off and have been out of work for over a year.

Sorry, third trimester, 7 months pregnant.

So is it 3 months, 7 months or 32 weeks (8 mons)? Can't keep your story straight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not "quiet quitting", by the way. Quiet quitting is still doing your job, just not going crazy over-and-above your job. Sounds like you're just quitting (or wanting to - which you can't do by just disconnecting your direct deposit...which is another separate issue).

I am typing from my phone so that I don’t type this from my work computer, and so I’m taking shortcuts.

I connected a personal account instead of joint account, and yes I will still do my job, but if I get a message from daycare that my daughter smeared poop in the bathroom, I am going to stop what I am doing and research OTs and make an appointment and take her. I am going to shower once a day and do my nails. I am going to meal plan and grocery shop. And if my work performance drops I am not going to worry about it or care about my annual performance review.

You don’t need an occupational therapist if your child smears poop in the bathroom.

- Occupational therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP used her husband for a sperm donor (and probably insurance for all those fertility treatments), and now says make more or I'm leaving you. What an awful spouse.

I'm wondering is OP is originally from another country and used the DH for citizenship. And now she's looking for a way out.

Each post gets sadder than the last. I really hope it's the pregnancy hormones talking.

I also feel like OP is from another country. Eastern European perhaps.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t like the stress of being the breadwinner so I want my spouse to become the breadwinner so I don’t have to work.” - Summary of what OP wants.