I disconnected my direct deposit

[Anonymous]

OP pregnancy is BRUTAL - my second was hardest - please do not make any permanent decisions right now. I was in very similar situation and even did something similar re: banking. Fast forward a decade, we are in a much better place, my kids still have both parents are home and DH even out earns me. Talk to him, friends, therapist - but do NOT quit your job or your marriage in the 3rd trimester. I promise it will get better!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the people who are struggling to understand the concept of disconnect my direct deposit, I meant from our joint account. I connected an account that is in my name only.

Check the laws of the state you’re in, but generally income earned during marriage is considered marital assets that would have to be split upon divorce. So this isn’t the fast one you think you pulled.

Oh and even if you actual quit, the court can infer income potential and make you pay the lower earning spouse spousal support in many states. I’m not doubting that he’s a bum, but you’re not being smart about this. Try to rise above the pregnancy hormones and go talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

Not sure what you are trying to say. Most of the comments have to do with how she is raising this with her spouse (cutting off direct deposit) and the contempt she has for him (which is documented going back at least 4 years).

She’s cutting off direct deposit because he refuses to downsize and won’t compromise. She has contempt for him because of this as well. She doesn’t want to keep funding this lifestyle that she hates (not enough time with her kids and too much stress). Sorry he needs to find a new funding source if he wants that life. He’s not entitled to a lifestyle 3x’s his income. Especially when his income is completely sufficient for a family.

Now that is hypocritical, with how many women earn less than their male spouse or SAHMs. Are you going to say that to a SAHM or a teacher married to biglaw? "You arent entitled to a lifestyle 3x your income... or 100,000x your income since you make 0 as a sahm"?? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

OP makes $400k.
OP wants DH to make $30k extra per year.
If OP works for 1 more year, she will have $30k x 13 years

Work 1 more year, then stay home for a while.

[Anonymous]

If op really makes 400k then it’s her obligation to continue working and to have the husband pick up more of the child rearing tasks. It makes sense for the financial future of the family to have the higher earner continue to provide financially and the lower earner to focus on the kids. I don’t think it’s fair for her to get a pass for providing because she’s a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

I've asked my work addict spouse to downshift jobs and be more present and involved with the house, family and kids for years. He refused. Nothing to do with money. Had to do with his ego, and as the years went by, it was clear he had zero interest in maintaining a house & property or parenting or disciplining the children.

So I guess he gets what he wants. Work, work travel, rest at home when home.

I kept working. No way would I stay at home for an ungrateful, selfish prick. I continue to be an active parent, work, spend daily quality time with the kids, plus manage any housekeepers or nannies or drivers. Plus all our our social friends and schedules/activities.

It's all a PITA and not what I signed up for to do ALONE. it's not how my, very successful businesman father, treated my mom or us kids. But it's all this work addict spouse of mine can and will do. So now his job is to make and much money as possible, bring it home, and we use some and invest the rest. I also make a lot of money, but in a more stable and flexible job in an industry I've been in for 25+ years. But I deeply regret marrying who I married. And I worry for my children, who doesn't. Whelp, my husband doesn't.


OP has a plan. Downshift jobs, raise the kids, have a more family friendly job.
Her husband has NO plan. He's pitter pattering around in academia, and at a very low level. No plan. No goals. some talk, zero action.
With the help of a smart therapist, turning off the extra cash flow, and getting the husband on a better earning track, they could all be a lot happier than making OP be a slave to a stressful high income job.

I still every day wish I had an average income, but involved and caring spouse and father to the children. Instead I have a high income negligent one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

Nobody said she shouldn’t downsize/lean out of work.

OP isn’t asking for that. She is asking for her DH to become a breadwinner so she doesn’t have to work at all. She is also calling him a bum and making him sound like a deadbeat when he is a professor with six figure salary. She hasn’t really discussed how he is as a father or partner around the house, she’s just angry that he won’t make.more.money like she thinks he should.

She’s also handling this very immaturely with financial hiding tactics and is basically playing some sort of game of chicken to see if he’ll divorce her.

And she’s all over the place claiming she will easily be fired and won’t be able to find another job, but also she can quiet quit and even if she loses her high paying job and gets divorced she and her kids will magically be able to live just fine because she’ll get some other job. So which is it?

I think ultimately OP is stressed about her job and instead of rationally seeking out a recruiter and exploring other sales-adjacent options, she is displacing her feelings on her DH. But when anyone points this out she insists she is oh so clever with her deposit schemes and the rest of us just don’t get it. Like ok ma’am why are you here then if you have it all figured out.

Dude, fast food and retail jobs in California pay $20/hr. six figures professor job must be in some random Wyoming community college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If op really makes 400k then it’s her obligation to continue working and to have the husband pick up more of the child rearing tasks. It makes sense for the financial future of the family to have the higher earner continue to provide financially and the lower earner to focus on the kids. I don’t think it’s fair for her to get a pass for providing because she’s a woman.

Why? She's clearly losing her shit. It's not sustainable. She should get out before she collapses and they should spend less money, which she's trying to do. It would be the same if the situation were reversed.

[Anonymous]

You're out of your mind. He has a good job. He has a very particular job, and if OP wanted your life of being married to a career driven provider with 0 support she should've married one of those men. She chose her profession and probably levered up their lifestyle all by herself, to which he just went along with, and is now resentful towards him that they can't afford their 1M+ plus house because she now wants to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're out of your mind. He has a good job. He has a very particular job, and if OP wanted your life of being married to a career driven provider with 0 support she should've married one of those men. She chose her profession and probably levered up their lifestyle all by herself, to which he just went along with, and is now resentful towards him that they can't afford their 1M+ plus house because she now wants to be a SAHM.

She suggested downsizing and living in their rental property and he refused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

Nobody said she shouldn’t downsize/lean out of work.

OP isn’t asking for that. She is asking for her DH to become a breadwinner so she doesn’t have to work at all. She is also calling him a bum and making him sound like a deadbeat when he is a professor with six figure salary. She hasn’t really discussed how he is as a father or partner around the house, she’s just angry that he won’t make.more.money like she thinks he should.

She’s also handling this very immaturely with financial hiding tactics and is basically playing some sort of game of chicken to see if he’ll divorce her.

And she’s all over the place claiming she will easily be fired and won’t be able to find another job, but also she can quiet quit and even if she loses her high paying job and gets divorced she and her kids will magically be able to live just fine because she’ll get some other job. So which is it?

I think ultimately OP is stressed about her job and instead of rationally seeking out a recruiter and exploring other sales-adjacent options, she is displacing her feelings on her DH. But when anyone points this out she insists she is oh so clever with her deposit schemes and the rest of us just don’t get it. Like ok ma’am why are you here then if you have it all figured out.

Dude, fast food and retail jobs in California pay $20/hr. six figures professor job must be in some random Wyoming community college.

I'm also curious about where they live. $120k is a low professional salary, and the OP mentioned they live in a college town, so I'm assuming they have an LCOL. OP's $400k salary could go very far if she sticks it out a couple more years. Could they buy a nice house with no mortgage, send the kids to public school with the children of other professors, get college students to babysit and nanny as needed, and eat at less expensive restaurants whose target audience is college students? It seems reasonable for OP to quit in the near term if she desires because her $400k salary can go really far to set them up now. Does her DH's kids get free tuition at his college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

I've asked my work addict spouse to downshift jobs and be more present and involved with the house, family and kids for years. He refused. Nothing to do with money. Had to do with his ego, and as the years went by, it was clear he had zero interest in maintaining a house & property or parenting or disciplining the children.

So I guess he gets what he wants. Work, work travel, rest at home when home.

I kept working. No way would I stay at home for an ungrateful, selfish prick. I continue to be an active parent, work, spend daily quality time with the kids, plus manage any housekeepers or nannies or drivers. Plus all our our social friends and schedules/activities.

It's all a PITA and not what I signed up for to do ALONE. it's not how my, very successful businesman father, treated my mom or us kids. But it's all this work addict spouse of mine can and will do. So now his job is to make and much money as possible, bring it home, and we use some and invest the rest. I also make a lot of money, but in a more stable and flexible job in an industry I've been in for 25+ years. But I deeply regret marrying who I married. And I worry for my children, who doesn't. Whelp, my husband doesn't.


OP has a plan. Downshift jobs, raise the kids, have a more family friendly job.
Her husband has NO plan. He's pitter pattering around in academia, and at a very low level. No plan. No goals. some talk, zero action.
With the help of a smart therapist, turning off the extra cash flow, and getting the husband on a better earning track, they could all be a lot happier than making OP be a slave to a stressful high income job.

I still every day wish I had an average income, but involved and caring spouse and father to the children. Instead I have a high income negligent one.

OP does NOT have a plan. Her plan is stash money, possibly get fired and *hope* that her husband steps up. That's not a plan, that's barely a prayer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

Nobody said she shouldn’t downsize/lean out of work.

OP isn’t asking for that. She is asking for her DH to become a breadwinner so she doesn’t have to work at all. She is also calling him a bum and making him sound like a deadbeat when he is a professor with six figure salary. She hasn’t really discussed how he is as a father or partner around the house, she’s just angry that he won’t make.more.money like she thinks he should.

She’s also handling this very immaturely with financial hiding tactics and is basically playing some sort of game of chicken to see if he’ll divorce her.

And she’s all over the place claiming she will easily be fired and won’t be able to find another job, but also she can quiet quit and even if she loses her high paying job and gets divorced she and her kids will magically be able to live just fine because she’ll get some other job. So which is it?

I think ultimately OP is stressed about her job and instead of rationally seeking out a recruiter and exploring other sales-adjacent options, she is displacing her feelings on her DH. But when anyone points this out she insists she is oh so clever with her deposit schemes and the rest of us just don’t get it. Like ok ma’am why are you here then if you have it all figured out.

Dude, fast food and retail jobs in California pay $20/hr. six figures professor job must be in some random Wyoming community college.

I'm also curious about where they live. $120k is a low professional salary, and the OP mentioned they live in a college town, so I'm assuming they have an LCOL. OP's $400k salary could go very far if she sticks it out a couple more years. Could they buy a nice house with no mortgage, send the kids to public school with the children of other professors, get college students to babysit and nanny as needed, and eat at less expensive restaurants whose target audience is college students? It seems reasonable for OP to quit in the near term if she desires because her $400k salary can go really far to set them up now. Does her DH's kids get free tuition at his college?

$120k could actually be on the high end for some professor salaries, if the school is not that prestigious/public.
You'd be surprised by how little some R1s pay -- as low as $80k for first year of a tenure-track position.
I still think this is a good salary, though some college towns can have high housing prices.

[Anonymous]

In one post she says she wants to work, and in another she wants to quit. In one post she can easily get another job, in another post it will take 1+ year. OP is all over the place. I'm glad a pp pointed out that all these frantic posts are during periods of extreme pregnancy hormones. OP needs to get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If he is a professor, he has some flexibility to contribute to the house and take care of the kids. Like the whole point of tenure is to have more flexibility. Or is he simply an adjunct? (I doubt that, if he's getting a sabbatical.) Sounds like you don't respect him if you call it a hobby job.

Why are you so burnt out? If your goal is to be a mother then you need to modify your lifestyle to support a single income.

I am open to modifying our lifestyle.
We can move back into our old house, and I am happy to do so. Our tenants move out in June, we could do it then.

If we did that, we could live on my husband’s income for the most part. However, he is refusing to do this.

So you just dont want to work at all, and have your husband support you, but he doesnt make enough? It sounds like you wont let DH take on more household responsibility so you are running yourself ragged trying to do both. Take a more relaxed position, and both work towards a healthy happy future for your kids.

I want to work, but I work in a volatile industry, and I am an anxious person. I want to be able to live on one income (his) and save my income / use it for things like college savings and vacations. I overwork now because of anxiety. I think I might be able to work less and stress about work less if he showed more initiative to earn more. I think this would give us the balance you are describing.

Pp. So you're a lawyer and he's a professor.

You aren't the first woman to go crazy while pregnant. I've done it too, so you're at least the second. That said, you really need psychiatric help now. Do you have a therapist?

No, she's in sales.

And she's already kicked him out of the house, or so she said, four years ago. But then she got pregnant with the kid who is now 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

Lady, you aren’t being clever. He has already made it clear he doesn’t want to work more. And playing weird manipulative financial hiding games isn’t going to make that change and it’s not going to help you if you divorce. He’s isn’t going to change career paths just because you’re playing games with deposits.

And honestly a professor and whatever you can make with a more laid back job should be enough to raise 2 kids.

But clearly you’d rather prioritize money money money by trying to force him to make more instead of just cutting back spending. You mention *nothing* about how he is as a father or partner around the house. You just want him to become your ATM machine so you can work less but keep the same lifestyle, and you’re willing to break up your family if he doesn’t bring home that bacon to your liking. It’s actually pretty gross.

-Working mom who earns the same as her DH. We both make 150k in flexible jobs. It’s plenty. I’d rather have him around for family dinners and to coach youth sports than force one of us to take on some super stressful high earner role.

That’s nice “lady.” I don’t have a flexible job, and I’m stressed. Or maybe I’m incompetent as others have speculated. If there was some easy flexible 150k job I could get living in a college town (all for my husband’s job) I would take it. I am not aware of that option so I work remote doing the only thing I know how to do.

I don’t want my husband to go work a super stressful high earner role. Taking some initiative to go from 120k to 150k with more applied grants or consulting work would be a great step in the right direction.

I don’t care if you think I’m gross and I hope you don’t mind that I think you are a self righteous idiot.

Well, good thing you're bringing another kid into the universe.