I disconnected my direct deposit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

Lady, you aren’t being clever. He has already made it clear he doesn’t want to work more. And playing weird manipulative financial hiding games isn’t going to make that change and it’s not going to help you if you divorce. He’s isn’t going to change career paths just because you’re playing games with deposits.

And honestly a professor and whatever you can make with a more laid back job should be enough to raise 2 kids.

But clearly you’d rather prioritize money money money by trying to force him to make more instead of just cutting back spending. You mention *nothing* about how he is as a father or partner around the house. You just want him to become your ATM machine so you can work less but keep the same lifestyle, and you’re willing to break up your family if he doesn’t bring home that bacon to your liking. It’s actually pretty gross.

-Working mom who earns the same as her DH. We both make 150k in flexible jobs. It’s plenty. I’d rather have him around for family dinners and to coach youth sports than force one of us to take on some super stressful high earner role.

[Anonymous]

Weird plan. What if he divorces your crazy ass? He’ll get 50/50 parenting time and you’ll be paying him child support.

[Anonymous]

Just work less and make budget adjustments. If you're unhappy, start by changing what you control rather than hyper-focusing on him. And as pointed out, assets get divided in divorce so might as well spend all that money you're sequestering now on yourself. Hire a cleaner, get someone to deliver meals, and get a weekly massage. Maybe you could ask for a postnup that at minimum stipulates that anything you save going forward for your kid’s college or your retirement shall be yours and shall not be marital property?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really unclear what your focus is here, op. The crappy job or the crappy husband. That's why people were confused.

Agree the post is totally confusing but since she put it in the relationship forum I am going with crappy husband, exacerbated by what appear to be pregnancy hormones exposing a high level of nastiness.

My husband is not overall crappy, but I have begged and pleaded for years for him to bring up his income so that I could dial back at work, and despite various avenues to do so, he has refused to even try.

I am wondering if I just stop contributing income how he will respond since he has a year sabbatical to figure it out plus plenty of savings.

If he doesn’t even try to figure it out I will divorce him. I can’t stay married otherwise; the resentment will give me cancer.

You’re just not contributing income on paper though. It’s still half his if you divorce. I don’t see how this is going to force him to figure anything out.

You need to lean out at work for your own sanity. Change jobs. Do whatever you need. Then cut expenses accordingly. But this continuing to work a big job and squirrel away money plan is batty.

He does not want to get divorced. And if he chooses to divorce me instead of figuring out how to earn more money, then I have forced an outcome that needed to be. And we will at least have more assets to split in the divorce than if I just quit now.

Furthermore, I honestly don’t know if I will get fired if I dial back at my existing job. Right now I am too scared to try, and I also can’t mentally disconnect because I feel it is all on my shoulders. I am quite good at my job and have built up sizable domain knowledge.

What I am doing now is actually very clever, sorry you are struggling to see it.

My ideal situation is that he earns more (which takes mental/emotional pressure off of me) and I keep my job working at some predefined max level of effort. If it becomes clear that I can’t keep this level of job at that level of effort, I will transition into an easier job, which will be possible because he earns more.

I honestly only want to stay married to him if he tries to earn more. So I am forcing the situation but only after the circumstances are such that he actually does have the runway to succeed if he chooses to.

So to all the people worried about my kids - don’t worry, I won’t be staying married and resentful long term. Either I’ll be a hard working divorced woman not married to someone who I feel exploits me, or I’ll be a more relaxed happily married woman married to a man who works hard to provide for his family.

Lady, you aren’t being clever. He has already made it clear he doesn’t want to work more. And playing weird manipulative financial hiding games isn’t going to make that change and it’s not going to help you if you divorce. He’s isn’t going to change career paths just because you’re playing games with deposits.

And honestly a professor and whatever you can make with a more laid back job should be enough to raise 2 kids.

But clearly you’d rather prioritize money money money by trying to force him to make more instead of just cutting back spending. You mention *nothing* about how he is as a father or partner around the house. You just want him to become your ATM machine so you can work less but keep the same lifestyle, and you’re willing to break up your family if he doesn’t bring home that bacon to your liking. It’s actually pretty gross.

-Working mom who earns the same as her DH. We both make 150k in flexible jobs. It’s plenty. I’d rather have him around for family dinners and to coach youth sports than force one of us to take on some super stressful high earner role.

That’s nice “lady.” I don’t have a flexible job, and I’m stressed. Or maybe I’m incompetent as others have speculated. If there was some easy flexible 150k job I could get living in a college town (all for my husband’s job) I would take it. I am not aware of that option so I work remote doing the only thing I know how to do.

I don’t want my husband to go work a super stressful high earner role. Taking some initiative to go from 120k to 150k with more applied grants or consulting work would be a great step in the right direction.

I don’t care if you think I’m gross and I hope you don’t mind that I think you are a self righteous idiot.

[Anonymous]

You have no business bringing kids into this mess. You are an extremely selfish person and I feel awful for your kids. You're going to make their lives miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no business bringing kids into this mess. You are an extremely selfish person and I feel awful for your kids. You're going to make their lives miserable.

How am I selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPD get therapy

Except if you read her posts from 2020 it’s clear she’s resented him for years. She’s been using him to help her make babies and now she’s trying to force him to leave her.

[Anonymous]

How will divorce help you? You’ll still be stuck in the college town and if you lose your job, you are stuck trying to figure out how to make it work as a single mom. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPD get therapy

Except if you read her posts from 2020 it’s clear she’s resented him for years. She’s been using him to help her make babies and now she’s trying to force him to leave her.

Yup. She wanted to have children, now that she has them she's done with him.

Unless he earns 30k for some reason? Like 30k is going to make up for the 400k she sometimes earns?

Girl, why don't YOU start consulting. You can go part time if you wanted. You are remote. You are living the dream and hating every moment of it. Focus on what you can change.

[Anonymous]

What's your total income? I think I read he makes $120k, that's a good income.

You all need to get your crap together for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have no business bringing kids into this mess. You are an extremely selfish person and I feel awful for your kids. You're going to make their lives miserable.

How am I selfish?

DP. You’re a disaster. He should divorce you. Poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your total income? I think I read he makes $120k, that's a good income.

You all need to get your crap together for the sake of the kids.

She said earlier it varies between 250-400.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the people who are struggling to understand the concept of disconnect my direct deposit, I meant from our joint account. I connected an account that is in my name only.

Yes but you're also basically quitting your job at the same time so who says you're going to get your five months paid leave plus bonus?

[Anonymous]

I'm so confused by how just 30K would make that much of a difference. DH recently got a 30K raise. The extra money is great, but it certainly isn't life changing.

[Anonymous]

So him making $30k more will make you less stressed and respect him more? 250-400 remote is a dream for many and 5 months paid maternity leave? There are other jobs, probably similar industries under $200k remote. Start looking so you can start after your maternity leave use some of the maternity leave to sort out what else you want or can do. Or you just want to SAH and have husband take the breadwinner role he clearly doesnt want? And yea, divorce means you cant move out with the kids so you'll be in the same position just with $120k less for the household and having to pay for a house all on your own.