I disconnected my direct deposit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I haven’t read everything but I was in your situation.

I married DH when we were both young. I was just out of college and he was working. So outearned me at that stage. I ended up being a high income trajectory so by the time we had kids I was outearning him 2x. I was also resentful. I loved my kids and wanted to be around them. But to quit work and go to one much lower income didn’t make sense. Plus I was good at my job and clearly had a lot more potential than DH.

So. In the end, I asked DH to step up. He took on a much more caregiving role when they were little. I concentrated on my career. But because he was doing a lot of the admin tasks, I could spend time with our kids when they were little, rather than doing housework.

At the time I was resentful but it has turned out well now I am 52. Now I earn $1.2m plus, kids are amazing, our family is intact. DH has a job he loves and I have a lot more flexibility as I have become more senior.

I feel for you OP. You are so angry and resentful. And him sending money to his family and buying people wine would have really upset me when I was in your situation. But think of future you - you don’t have to stay married. But it sounds like you want the best for your kids - the better income earner you are, the better their life will be

+1

He seems so immature

He's immature?!

In February 2020, OP posts that she kicked her husband out and doesn't want to be with him anymore because he didn't want to start a family without being more settled in his job.

In April 2024, OP has one kid with him and another on the way because...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that it's a reasonable thing to expect a college professor to make big bucks in the private sector unless they happen to be doing research in a high demand field. Even then you're basically asking them to give up their career and everything they understand about professional life for a totally different experience. Should've just married a lawyer or dr if you wanted that life.

He should try.

We don’t even know what tier college he’s tethered himself to. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does disconnecting the direct deposit do?

Yeah, this doesn't make any sense, unless she is funnelling the money to another account, but that's still direct deposit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has the husband actually done wrong? Also, what “hobby job” has a sabbatical?

This is clearly a troll.

I am not a troll. My husband is a professor. To me this is a hobby job because he could 3-10x his income in the private sector if he felt like it. But he doesn’t feel like it when I make everything possible at the expense of my health and ability to be a good parent.

I'm told he is incredibly brilliant and successful, but all I care about is the $$.
…
I have no regrets because I was horribly burnt out and I love spending unlimited time with our child. It's not selfish, OP, it's what's right for you. Best of luck!

Sounds like you have successfully combined “what’s right for you” and “being selfish“!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

I've asked my work addict spouse to downshift jobs and be more present and involved with the house, family and kids for years. He refused. Nothing to do with money. Had to do with his ego, and as the years went by, it was clear he had zero interest in maintaining a house & property or parenting or disciplining the children.

So I guess he gets what he wants. Work, work travel, rest at home when home.

I kept working. No way would I stay at home for an ungrateful, selfish prick. I continue to be an active parent, work, spend daily quality time with the kids, plus manage any housekeepers or nannies or drivers. Plus all our our social friends and schedules/activities.

It's all a PITA and not what I signed up for to do ALONE. it's not how my, very successful businesman father, treated my mom or us kids. But it's all this work addict spouse of mine can and will do. So now his job is to make and much money as possible, bring it home, and we use some and invest the rest. I also make a lot of money, but in a more stable and flexible job in an industry I've been in for 25+ years. But I deeply regret marrying who I married. And I worry for my children, who doesn't. Whelp, my husband doesn't.


OP has a plan. Downshift jobs, raise the kids, have a more family friendly job.
Her husband has NO plan. He's pitter pattering around in academia, and at a very low level. No plan. No goals. some talk, zero action.
With the help of a smart therapist, turning off the extra cash flow, and getting the husband on a better earning track, they could all be a lot happier than making OP be a slave to a stressful high income job.

I still every day wish I had an average income, but involved and caring spouse and father to the children. Instead I have a high income negligent one.

My husband and I both earn about $150k annually, and he is an involved and caring father to the children, who are young. After they go to bed he watches TV, gets drunk, and is a jerk to me. I have a lot of regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're out of your mind. He has a good job. He has a very particular job, and if OP wanted your life of being married to a career driven provider with 0 support she should've married one of those men. She chose her profession and probably levered up their lifestyle all by herself, to which he just went along with, and is now resentful towards him that they can't afford their 1M+ plus house because she now wants to be a SAHM.

She suggested downsizing and living in their rental property and he refused.

If she suggested downsizing as passive aggressively as she’s handling the direct deposit he may have no idea what she wants.

I had a roommate once who didn’t drive and it took me months to figure out when she asked me “do you want to go to the grocery store?” She really meant “can you take me to the grocery store?”

I have a really hard time believing OP has had an open, honest conversation with her DH about how the stress of her job is impacting her and how it is important to her to downsize to relieve some of the pressure she’s feeling and let her spend more time with the kids, and that he knows how she feels and just doesn’t care.

[Anonymous]

So OP got called out on her repeated posts over the years and she quits the thread?

[Anonymous]

But I wasn’t going to just not have a 2nd kid, and I don’t care what the posters here have to say about it. The circumstances are not optimal, but I would personally still choose to be born into them if given the choice between that and not being born.

The above exemplifies why the OP is unfit to be a parent: because she's a total narcissist who wants what she wants even if it's not in the best interests of her soon-to-be-born child; and the fact that she is one explains how the pieces of her narrative fit together. Some posters were bewildered by the OP’s declarations of imminent divorce should her current situation remain static, pointing out concretely how life as a single parent would make things more stressful, not less and how such a choice would be irrational. Well, narcissists do not think logically.

Narcissists also don’t take responsibility for their own limitations and work within them. While I don’t doubt that there is a certain amount of volatility in the OP’s line of work, the problem is clearly her anxiety and her inability to manage what for 99.9% of people would be a very doable situation. Were I already a parent of a healthy daughter in addition to having a HH income between 320-520k plus rental income and 2 years’ worth of savings and a spouse with a steady professional career and flexible hours that allow him to be a hands-on parent, I’d acknowledge that my anxiety was the reason for my stress; that I couldn’t handle the life I already had as it were; and, while perhaps disappointed, decide to channel my energy into being the best parent I could be to the child I already had instead of needlessly dragging another kid into it “just because,” thereby exacerbating the entire situation and increasing the misery for all involved (because let’s face it, does anyone think the OP doesn’t take out her rage on her spouse and even indirectly by creating more tension within the household, on her existing daughter?)

Narcissists denigrate those they perceive as thwarting their desires, distort facts to suit their own narratives and project themselves onto others. Some of those who do the most meaningful work within society are underpaid. Academics are included in this category (although anyone who thinks that 120k is a “hobby” salary is clearly super entitled--one of the defining characteristics of being a narcissist--and severely out of touch); and the ones I know work an average of 60- 70 hours a week per calendar year. Moreover, no one who prioritizes material wealth goes into academia. OP’s reference to her husband’s career as a “hobby job” is therefore not only belittling and anti-intellectual to boot but also makes me skeptical that we’re getting an accurate picture here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

I've asked my work addict spouse to downshift jobs and be more present and involved with the house, family and kids for years. He refused. Nothing to do with money. Had to do with his ego, and as the years went by, it was clear he had zero interest in maintaining a house & property or parenting or disciplining the children.

So I guess he gets what he wants. Work, work travel, rest at home when home.

I kept working. No way would I stay at home for an ungrateful, selfish prick. I continue to be an active parent, work, spend daily quality time with the kids, plus manage any housekeepers or nannies or drivers. Plus all our our social friends and schedules/activities.

It's all a PITA and not what I signed up for to do ALONE. it's not how my, very successful businesman father, treated my mom or us kids. But it's all this work addict spouse of mine can and will do. So now his job is to make and much money as possible, bring it home, and we use some and invest the rest. I also make a lot of money, but in a more stable and flexible job in an industry I've been in for 25+ years. But I deeply regret marrying who I married. And I worry for my children, who doesn't. Whelp, my husband doesn't.


OP has a plan. Downshift jobs, raise the kids, have a more family friendly job.
Her husband has NO plan. He's pitter pattering around in academia, and at a very low level. No plan. No goals. some talk, zero action.
With the help of a smart therapist, turning off the extra cash flow, and getting the husband on a better earning track, they could all be a lot happier than making OP be a slave to a stressful high income job.

I still every day wish I had an average income, but involved and caring spouse and father to the children. Instead I have a high income negligent one.

My husband and I both earn about $150k annually, and he is an involved and caring father to the children, who are young. After they go to bed he watches TV, gets drunk, and is a jerk to me. I have a lot of regrets.

Unfortunate, but easier divorce and coparenting situation since he is not a neglect or absentee father.
I’d pull the divorce trigger then for sure.
Plus the courts can mandate courses and supervision and check ins for alcoholics. They don’t do that for untreated mental disorder cases. It has to be extremely serious and when with the kids, ie locked out the 8 yo at night when having an episode

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.

I've asked my work addict spouse to downshift jobs and be more present and involved with the house, family and kids for years. He refused. Nothing to do with money. Had to do with his ego, and as the years went by, it was clear he had zero interest in maintaining a house & property or parenting or disciplining the children.

So I guess he gets what he wants. Work, work travel, rest at home when home.

I kept working. No way would I stay at home for an ungrateful, selfish prick. I continue to be an active parent, work, spend daily quality time with the kids, plus manage any housekeepers or nannies or drivers. Plus all our our social friends and schedules/activities.

It's all a PITA and not what I signed up for to do ALONE. it's not how my, very successful businesman father, treated my mom or us kids. But it's all this work addict spouse of mine can and will do. So now his job is to make and much money as possible, bring it home, and we use some and invest the rest. I also make a lot of money, but in a more stable and flexible job in an industry I've been in for 25+ years. But I deeply regret marrying who I married. And I worry for my children, who doesn't. Whelp, my husband doesn't.


OP has a plan. Downshift jobs, raise the kids, have a more family friendly job.
Her husband has NO plan. He's pitter pattering around in academia, and at a very low level. No plan. No goals. some talk, zero action.
With the help of a smart therapist, turning off the extra cash flow, and getting the husband on a better earning track, they could all be a lot happier than making OP be a slave to a stressful high income job.

I still every day wish I had an average income, but involved and caring spouse and father to the children. Instead I have a high income negligent one.

My husband and I both earn about $150k annually, and he is an involved and caring father to the children, who are young. After they go to bed he watches TV, gets drunk, and is a jerk to me. I have a lot of regrets.

Maybe he just needs to get laid..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has the husband actually done wrong? Also, what “hobby job” has a sabbatical?

This is clearly a troll.

I am not a troll. My husband is a professor. To me this is a hobby job because he could 3-10x his income in the private sector if he felt like it. But he doesn’t feel like it when I make everything possible at the expense of my health and ability to be a good parent.

You’re a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're out of your mind. He has a good job. He has a very particular job, and if OP wanted your life of being married to a career driven provider with 0 support she should've married one of those men. She chose her profession and probably levered up their lifestyle all by herself, to which he just went along with, and is now resentful towards him that they can't afford their 1M+ plus house because she now wants to be a SAHM.

She suggested downsizing and living in their rental property and he refused.

If their rental property is earning them actual income profit, and has a decent amount of equity, it may be best for them long term to hold on to it as a rental, sell their current property, and rent themselves. I’d be looking into getting a proper FA to look into what their best choices are, even if it will only be a few years. Downsizing doesn’t mean burning the financial bridges behind you.

Although OP feels likes her husband’s job is a “hobby”, it likely comes with a fair amount of other perks. I know a lot of people in academia who move around the world, or get other perks like reduced tuition for their kids. You don’t have to just look at moving into your rental.

I’m getting the impression that OP just wants what she wants.her baby looking for her when she’s there but dad is, isn’t a good idea to give up everything. That’s a three year old. I also don’t think of academia as a hobby job. Research, teaching, writing are valid things that aren’t always rewarded professionally, but help civilization as a whole.

If the previous threads are really OP, and I suspect they are, there’s a lot of therapy that’s needed.

In any case, this is such an example of a DCUM thread. Academia isn’t a “hobby” career - in many places, the academic would be a highly desirable partner.

[Anonymous]

To be fair to OP, her DH's academia job could be a 2 course adjunct position making $30K a year. If he doesn't have higher education, that definitely qualifies as a "hobby" career. Not everyone in academia is tenure-tracked at a R1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to OP, her DH's academia job could be a 2 course adjunct position making $30K a year. If he doesn't have higher education, that definitely qualifies as a "hobby" career. Not everyone in academia is tenure-tracked at a R1.

Higher *aspirations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to OP, her DH's academia job could be a 2 course adjunct position making $30K a year. If he doesn't have higher education, that definitely qualifies as a "hobby" career. Not everyone in academia is tenure-tracked at a R1.

Could be, but OP isn’t saying. Also I don’t know a lot of adjunct people not doing research, working other jobs, or taking sabbaticals.

And I doubt OP would have picked this guy to start with if he had really no potential.