Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most cultures have inter generational homes and don't consider it "failure to launch." Also, you don't have as much control over your kids as you think. Your kids may end up a big mess no matter what a great job you did raising them. What are you going to do then, kick them to the curb?

Many cultures who do this are a mess. People should be able to be independent or at least contributing to their own livelihood for half of their life at least.

What cultures are you referring? The US was like this until the 1950s when the idea of the nuclear family (mom, dad and 2.3 kids living on their own) took on a life of its own.

You now read stories of the family “compound” coming back because the cost of housing, childcare and elder care is so expensive.

Usually, this is parents building an ADU where children come live, or the parents move into the ADU and the kids take over the house. Parents able to help with childcare and know they have family close by if they have an emergency.

This set up usually doesn’t involve kids never leaving…but maybe they are single until their 30s and everyone agrees the arrangement makes a ton of sense.

My father lived in a "family compound" like that -- several houses facing a quad. This was in the South. He left and never looked back. We never visited any of his relatives and lived as a strictly nuclear family. I really think, despite our idyllic suburban childhoods, that we missed out on a lot not having relatives around. It's just not healthy to live that way IMO. You see this all over DCUM -- the claws come out at even the slightest hint of overlapping with anyone else. Strange and pathological IMO, signs of an unsustainable society.

We actually have neighbors in CC MD who did this. Parents had an oversized plot and built a small house (3BR…but small) and kids moved into the main house. Sibling bought house on the other side. Shared backyards so it feels like one massive yard. All self-sufficient.

They all love the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

This.

My brother vanished 13 years ago after arguments about basic expectations. It has tortured my parents.

I’m so sorry. That is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker has two adults sons living with him and his wife. They both work full time and mom does everything (clean, cook, laundry). I always sense that the mom sort of likes having her sons in the house. So maybe failure to launch in some way benefits parents (even if it’s a psychological).

I agree with this. My 30 something cousins work full time, make good money and live with their parents. One of them has a girlfriend he stays with sometimes and one doesn't date. My aunt absolutely loves having them at home because it makes her feel like she's still a young mother. She tries to commiserate with me about "cooking for boys" even though my boys are actually children!

Maybe she just enjoys being a mother. People who enjoy it don't just turn it off once their kids turn 18. People who were just going through the motions might be a different story.

That would gall me to compare cooking for adult kids to the relentless demands of feeding actual kids, though.

So what.
She’s not launching her kids. She’s stunting them and coddling them. They’re not developing adult or life partner or even roommate skills.

There is much to be said for developing one’s own way and having exposure to other people’s ways. Often things via spending time at friends families, having roommates, dating and more time with other families.

You learn to adapt, be flexible, compromise. You learn there are other ways of doing things, eating different meals, other traditions, new places. You MAY even learn BETTER ways of doing things!! Gasp!!!

[Anonymous]

Our worst houseguests are the “My way or the highway” types who cannot fathom eating something new for breakfast or not having lentil stew in their beach resort or not deviating from their stuck-in-their-ways routine, foods, or limited scope of activities.

One set didn’t like bagels! Another set had to have English Tea 3 separate times a day, all new cups and pots. One set hated Mexican food since “it must only be rice and beans.”

It’s like they never got out of their little bubble!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker has two adults sons living with him and his wife. They both work full time and mom does everything (clean, cook, laundry). I always sense that the mom sort of likes having her sons in the house. So maybe failure to launch in some way benefits parents (even if it’s a psychological).

I agree with this. My 30 something cousins work full time, make good money and live with their parents. One of them has a girlfriend he stays with sometimes and one doesn't date. My aunt absolutely loves having them at home because it makes her feel like she's still a young mother. She tries to commiserate with me about "cooking for boys" even though my boys are actually children!

30+ years old living with their parents?

Bad signaling or most would assume someone in the house has mental issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker has two adults sons living with him and his wife. They both work full time and mom does everything (clean, cook, laundry). I always sense that the mom sort of likes having her sons in the house. So maybe failure to launch in some way benefits parents (even if it’s a psychological).

I agree with this. My 30 something cousins work full time, make good money and live with their parents. One of them has a girlfriend he stays with sometimes and one doesn't date. My aunt absolutely loves having them at home because it makes her feel like she's still a young mother. She tries to commiserate with me about "cooking for boys" even though my boys are actually children!

Maybe she just enjoys being a mother. People who enjoy it don't just turn it off once their kids turn 18. People who were just going through the motions might be a different story.

That would gall me to compare cooking for adult kids to the relentless demands of feeding actual kids, though.

Lots of people enjoy being a mother, keep parenting and their adult kids live and work out of state just fine.
The epitome of being a good mother is not housing and feeding and cleaning up after your kids for 22, 25,30,40 years unless they’re handicapped.

[Anonymous]

In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is 21, has never had a job, doesn’t attend college, does nothing. His parents (divorced) pay for everything he does; food, gas, car, phone, clothing. He bounces between his parents houses.

What do they each gain from this? Why doesn’t he want to launch? Why do they finance his lifestyle?

Could be anything.

Timing probably not ideal to be seriously dating anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most cultures have inter generational homes and don't consider it "failure to launch." Also, you don't have as much control over your kids as you think. Your kids may end up a big mess no matter what a great job you did raising them. What are you going to do then, kick them to the curb?

Many cultures who do this are a mess. People should be able to be independent or at least contributing to their own livelihood for half of their life at least.

What cultures are you referring? The US was like this until the 1950s when the idea of the nuclear family (mom, dad and 2.3 kids living on their own) took on a life of its own.

You now read stories of the family “compound” coming back because the cost of housing, childcare and elder care is so expensive.

Usually, this is parents building an ADU where children come live, or the parents move into the ADU and the kids take over the house. Parents able to help with childcare and know they have family close by if they have an emergency.

This set up usually doesn’t involve kids never leaving…but maybe they are single until their 30s and everyone agrees the arrangement makes a ton of sense.

Italy for one. Mom doing the son's laundry and meals into their 40's while they play and date around. Their economy is tanking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

This.

My brother vanished 13 years ago after arguments about basic expectations. It has tortured my parents.

Watch some movies about addicts. Even star in born.
You can literally do everything for them for zero payoff or improvement. You cannot your job, you can spend down your savings, you can hire the top psychologist and 12 month retreat clinic. Twice.

Zero payoff.

The mentally disordered person or addict has to want and drive the improvement. Not Mommy.

How can a “mentally disordered person” do this? They lack insight that they are ill. Do you also think an epileptic can just will themself to stop having seizures? I mean, I really don’t want my cancer to reoccur and I take a pretty toxic medication to help prevent that, but if it comes back anyway does that mean it’s my fault for not wanting remission bad enough?

[Anonymous]

Our oldest is 32 and has some pretty big struggles. Some people have blamed us. He lives on his own but asks for help sometimes. Definitely not independent. It usn't ideal but better than him being homeless (BTDT) or lying in a ditch somewhere

[Anonymous]

Failure to Launch is an American phrase. A third of all young adults in Spain live at home, and half of young Italians. Stats are here: https://brilliantmaps.com/europe-live-parents/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Failure to Launch is an American phrase. A third of all young adults in Spain live at home, and half of young Italians. Stats are here: https://brilliantmaps.com/europe-live-parents/

Used to be in Italy that people didn't move out of their parents' house unless it was to get married. Not that long ago, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most cultures have inter generational homes and don't consider it "failure to launch." Also, you don't have as much control over your kids as you think. Your kids may end up a big mess no matter what a great job you did raising them. What are you going to do then, kick them to the curb?

Many cultures who do this are a mess. People should be able to be independent or at least contributing to their own livelihood for half of their life at least.

What cultures are you referring? The US was like this until the 1950s when the idea of the nuclear family (mom, dad and 2.3 kids living on their own) took on a life of its own.

You now read stories of the family “compound” coming back because the cost of housing, childcare and elder care is so expensive.

Usually, this is parents building an ADU where children come live, or the parents move into the ADU and the kids take over the house. Parents able to help with childcare and know they have family close by if they have an emergency.

This set up usually doesn’t involve kids never leaving…but maybe they are single until their 30s and everyone agrees the arrangement makes a ton of sense.

Italy for one. Mom doing the son's laundry and meals into their 40's while they play and date around. Their economy is tanking.

Ahhh, the machismo Latin cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

This.

My brother vanished 13 years ago after arguments about basic expectations. It has tortured my parents.

Watch some movies about addicts. Even star in born.
You can literally do everything for them for zero payoff or improvement. You cannot your job, you can spend down your savings, you can hire the top psychologist and 12 month retreat clinic. Twice.

Zero payoff.

The mentally disordered person or addict has to want and drive the improvement. Not Mommy.

How can a “mentally disordered person” do this? They lack insight that they are ill. Do you also think an epileptic can just will themself to stop having seizures? I mean, I really don’t want my cancer to reoccur and I take a pretty toxic medication to help prevent that, but if it comes back anyway does that mean it’s my fault for not wanting remission bad enough?

Wrong application. Stop harping about diseases.

I meant exactly what I said. Mentally ill people or addicts have to want the help and put in the effort.

Mental disordered folks can get tons of “insights” into their issues from teachers, parents, loved ones, and doctors. It’s what they do with that info that matters.

Go to some AA meetings and see for yourself.