Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know the reasons for the "failure to launch" when looking in from the outside. Just wait until something unexpected happens to your kids. Pride goes before the fall.

Exactly. It is heartbreaking to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

Heartbreaking. I feel for your parents who are likely in their 80s. It is elder abuse. Has your brother ever been in therapy? Do your parents think they enable him? Finally this must be super hard on you. I always wonder about the siblings of the FTL adults. So so sad.

[Anonymous]

A few months ago, I thought my neighbor’s son was a loser and another neighbor wasted her Ivy League education just sitting at home.

I have since learned that the job market is really bad right now and there were a lot of layoffs. These failure to launch kids may be trying to find work or have some mental health issues. Or maybe they just lack confidence. MYOB.

I have a bipolar brother. He has had odd jobs over the years. The longest he has had a job is 5 years. Most jobs last a few months. I’m sure many people have wondered why my parents enabled him. We are just grateful if he is stable and not dead.

[Anonymous]

I love when people who have never had a family member with mental health issues want to slum it & see how the other half lives.

You are very lucky that you don’t have any experience with a family member struggling with trauma, abuse, mental health issues, suicidal tendencies, self harm, etc.

Do you really want your poor neighbor to share the particulars of her son’s issues? If you really care, go ahead & talk to her & offer compassion. I assure you, no one is doing or enabling this because it seems fun. Their whole family is probably struggling in a big way.

But you’ve never had to deal with this, so judge away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

how manipulative.

Did the call the police and report a suicide threat? that would be a new wrinkle to the bully bail out bro

And if they don't they get called uncaring and enabling. Some people just don't have it in them to live well. We've got to stop placing blame on others. If someone is toxic to you get away from them and live your life but then stop making them bail you out of life.

Huh? The way above was an update about a manipulative, toxic, failure to launch brother who bullies and threatens his parents until they bail him out again with what little money they have left.

Calling the police for a suicide threat IS caring.

Bailing out is enabling. And not care or caring. Who cares what a psychopath calls it.

My point was that mean out of control people like this who are mean and demanding will often blame the people they are asking help from and will create a picture that the people being manipulated to help has to help or else they are bad people. That they are owed help and ridicule. While you understand that it's just enabling to keep helping, most of the world doesn't see it that way. The mean person gets very good at throwing a pity party for themself. Even if they see the destruction, others at the very least they don't want to have to deal with the iasues themselves and become mad at the targeted people anyway.

The meanness, name calling and morality play that a mentality ill adult child is able to thrust on his parents and their helping friends is chilling. At one point, though, do the parents have a duty to siblings and friends trying to help to either disclose (for transparency sake and to help a person who is thrust into the struggle decide to extricate) OR get new help themselves (assuming they care that they are being mistreated)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

This.

My brother vanished 13 years ago after arguments about basic expectations. It has tortured my parents.

I’m so sorry. That is awful.

Me too. So so sorry.

[Anonymous]

May I go out on a limb and say each situation is different and perhaps we ought not generalize or make judgments?

I often think that I would do things differently when a friend responds to her adult child a certain way but truly how do I know? And but for the grace of God ...

I will say this: At a certain point if the adult child is 40 plus and still spiraling by self medicating and generally not thriving, I doubt there is anything an elderly parent can do other than help her not end up on the street. No one wants this life for a child. No one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

So curious about this… Does your brother work and make bad financial decisions? I can’t imagine a healthy person threatening suicide so does he have a documented mental health issue? or maybe he is an entitled narcissist? Or something in between? If he treats your parents this way (horrific and I am so sorry for you), then I have to imagine his employment and relationship track record are also poor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger relative like this. His parents ignored his learning disabilities until after he was 18, and never got him appropriate help. He did finally get a series of low skill jobs.

this is sad and common. often the person does not uncover it until later life esp if high functioning. and find out they could have addressed as a child and had a much better life but for parent ignoring pretending etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do they each gain from this? Not pleasure. But peace of mind that their child is sheltered, fed, and maybe won’t get into more trouble.

One of my ex boyfriends experienced significant familial trauma as a teen. He unraveled in college and it has taken him more than a decade to get his life back on track. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been if his family hadn’t supported him financially and with a place to live.

i imagine most end up homeless at a minimum

What happens when the parents die if no job, don’t know how to hold job, no one to pay for them/look after or do parents set up trusts so can go in a support/care home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do they each gain from this? Not pleasure. But peace of mind that their child is sheltered, fed, and maybe won’t get into more trouble.

One of my ex boyfriends experienced significant familial trauma as a teen. He unraveled in college and it has taken him more than a decade to get his life back on track. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been if his family hadn’t supported him financially and with a place to live.

What happens when the parents die if no job, don’t know how to hold job, no one to pay for them/look after or do parents set up trusts so can go in a support/care home?

i imagine most end up homeless at a minimum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago, I thought my neighbor’s son was a loser and another neighbor wasted her Ivy League education just sitting at home.

I have since learned that the job market is really bad right now and there were a lot of layoffs. These failure to launch kids may be trying to find work or have some mental health issues. Or maybe they just lack confidence. MYOB.

I have a bipolar brother. He has had odd jobs over the years. The longest he has had a job is 5 years. Most jobs last a few months. I’m sure many people have wondered why my parents enabled him. We are just grateful if he is stable and not dead.

Is the job market terrible right now for college grads? My friend's son is in the same situation—Ivy League grad, no job, parents footing his bills. I don't understand why he doesn't get any job now; even waiting tables would be better than living off of parents (who aren't wealthy and stretched for the Ivy education).

[Anonymous]

Our kids are still teens but this maybe us in the near future. DD definitely has psychological issues, DS clueless and lazy about life, at least he can do simple things. I so drained from these kids. My husband is codependent on them as much as they are codependent on us. I feel helpless, you need to parents on the same page.


I hope for an epiphany all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago, I thought my neighbor’s son was a loser and another neighbor wasted her Ivy League education just sitting at home.

I have since learned that the job market is really bad right now and there were a lot of layoffs. These failure to launch kids may be trying to find work or have some mental health issues. Or maybe they just lack confidence. MYOB.

I have a bipolar brother. He has had odd jobs over the years. The longest he has had a job is 5 years. Most jobs last a few months. I’m sure many people have wondered why my parents enabled him. We are just grateful if he is stable and not dead.

Is the job market terrible right now for college grads? My friend's son is in the same situation—Ivy League grad, no job, parents footing his bills. I don't understand why he doesn't get any job now; even waiting tables would be better than living off of parents (who aren't wealthy and stretched for the Ivy education).

I agree but These kids feel they are above waiting tables and other manual work.

[Anonymous]

My brother was by all definitions a failure to launch: he would be up all night playing video games and eating pizza he ordered while sleeping literally all day. We had both come to the US for better education and opportunities. I got a masters, a job, and got married but he was sleeping all day.

It took two years of me convincing him to move back home. He finally did it and my parents helped him get married and start a business. So glad I didn’t write him off as a loser like my sister did. It is one of the things I am most proud of.