Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

And get tons of interventions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

This.

My brother vanished 13 years ago after arguments about basic expectations. It has tortured my parents.

Watch some movies about addicts. Even star in born.
You can literally do everything for them for zero payoff or improvement. You cannot your job, you can spend down your savings, you can hire the top psychologist and 12 month retreat clinic. Twice.

Zero payoff.

The mentally disordered person or addict has to want and drive the improvement. Not Mommy.

How can a “mentally disordered person” do this? They lack insight that they are ill. Do you also think an epileptic can just will themself to stop having seizures? I mean, I really don’t want my cancer to reoccur and I take a pretty toxic medication to help prevent that, but if it comes back anyway does that mean it’s my fault for not wanting remission bad enough?

Wrong application. Stop harping about diseases.

I meant exactly what I said. Mentally ill people or addicts have to want the help and put in the effort.

Mental disordered folks can get tons of “insights” into their issues from teachers, parents, loved ones, and doctors. It’s what they do with that info that matters.

Go to some AA meetings and see for yourself.

What is mental illness if not a disease? Just admit you are a bigot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Failure to Launch is an American phrase. A third of all young adults in Spain live at home, and half of young Italians. Stats are here: https://brilliantmaps.com/europe-live-parents/

Used to be in Italy that people didn't move out of their parents' house unless it was to get married. Not that long ago, either.

No resi real estate market, no resi mortgage market. Same in Germany.

[Anonymous]

But they rent and rent as a single or married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

This.

My brother vanished 13 years ago after arguments about basic expectations. It has tortured my parents.

Watch some movies about addicts. Even star in born.
You can literally do everything for them for zero payoff or improvement. You cannot your job, you can spend down your savings, you can hire the top psychologist and 12 month retreat clinic. Twice.

Zero payoff.

The mentally disordered person or addict has to want and drive the improvement. Not Mommy.

How can a “mentally disordered person” do this? They lack insight that they are ill. Do you also think an epileptic can just will themself to stop having seizures? I mean, I really don’t want my cancer to reoccur and I take a pretty toxic medication to help prevent that, but if it comes back anyway does that mean it’s my fault for not wanting remission bad enough?

Wrong application. Stop harping about diseases.

I meant exactly what I said. Mentally ill people or addicts have to want the help and put in the effort.

Mental disordered folks can get tons of “insights” into their issues from teachers, parents, loved ones, and doctors. It’s what they do with that info that matters.

Go to some AA meetings and see for yourself.

What is mental illness if not a disease? Just admit you are a bigot.

ADHD or autism or bipolar is not a disease you catch or go to the hospital for the doctor to work on you.

They are disorders. Read the DSM. Go to some AA meetings. Go to cancer survivor meetings. Compare them yourself.

- work w trauma victims. Prefer the helping the not disordered family members, who are also going through ongoing trauma. It’s traumatic having an unhealthy, dysfunctional family member who won’t get help or take advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

This clocks with ADHD XDH enabling addicted DS by handing out money whenever DS asks. My XDH, like your dad, just thinks differently and often doesn't/can't put all the pieces together. The result is spoiling and enabling an addict to buy more. XDA At least XDH and I are on good terms and I can pull back the handouts by arguing reason, at least when it's not too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:better to live in my basement than die

Is it really, though? Get busy living or get busy dying is my motto. Basement dweller is not a better-off state, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

This clocks with ADHD XDH enabling addicted DS by handing out money whenever DS asks. My XDH, like your dad, just thinks differently and often doesn't/can't put all the pieces together. The result is spoiling and enabling an addict to buy more. XDA At least XDH and I are on good terms and I can pull back the handouts by arguing reason, at least when it's not too late.

Yes we have that phenomenon. The defunct parent is easy to hoodwink and get money and overpriced materials things from. He thinks it’s love and parenting. And it’s all he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

This clocks with ADHD XDH enabling addicted DS by handing out money whenever DS asks. My XDH, like your dad, just thinks differently and often doesn't/can't put all the pieces together. The result is spoiling and enabling an addict to buy more. XDA At least XDH and I are on good terms and I can pull back the handouts by arguing reason, at least when it's not too late.

Yes we have that phenomenon. The defunct parent is easy to hoodwink and get money and overpriced materials things from. He thinks it’s love and parenting. And it’s all he does.

This doesn't make sense. People who live in a basement don't have parents that make a lot of money. I mean sure Adam Lanza's mom bought him a gun but she seemed to be the only one caring for him. Where was his dad all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

This clocks with ADHD XDH enabling addicted DS by handing out money whenever DS asks. My XDH, like your dad, just thinks differently and often doesn't/can't put all the pieces together. The result is spoiling and enabling an addict to buy more. XDA At least XDH and I are on good terms and I can pull back the handouts by arguing reason, at least when it's not too late.

Yes we have that phenomenon. The defunct parent is easy to hoodwink and get money and overpriced materials things from. He thinks it’s love and parenting. And it’s all he does.

This doesn't make sense. People who live in a basement don't have parents that make a lot of money. I mean sure Adam Lanza's mom bought him a gun but she seemed to be the only one caring for him. Where was his dad all the time?

Go visit a McLean or Potomac basement and see for yourself who lives there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

This clocks with ADHD XDH enabling addicted DS by handing out money whenever DS asks. My XDH, like your dad, just thinks differently and often doesn't/can't put all the pieces together. The result is spoiling and enabling an addict to buy more. XDA At least XDH and I are on good terms and I can pull back the handouts by arguing reason, at least when it's not too late.

Yes we have that phenomenon. The defunct parent is easy to hoodwink and get money and overpriced materials things from. He thinks it’s love and parenting. And it’s all he does.

Yes it’s easy to get cash and goods from the delinquent guilty work addict parent. Easy mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is 21, has never had a job, doesn’t attend college, does nothing. His parents (divorced) pay for everything he does; food, gas, car, phone, clothing. He bounces between his parents houses.

What do they each gain from this? Why doesn’t he want to launch? Why do they finance his lifestyle?

A lot of times or for a lot of people it is:
the Path of Least Resistance

Enabling, spoiling, not problem solving, not doing the hard work, not enforcing rules, etc.

Just give in. Path of least resistances

Sure it leads to mediocrity or worse. But it’s so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

Because they haven’t kicked him out? Haven’t stopped paying for his phone/car/insurance/etc etc. Are you serious?

Yup.

For our kids they always knew they were heading to college. Since both were academically capable it wasn't an issue. But if one had decided they wanted a different path we would have been open to it. They could do technical school and a trade if that's what they really wanted to do. however, they grew up knowing that it's their job at 18 to either go to college, trade school or start working. You don't get to just sit at home and do nothing. We worked hard with our one kid who had adhd/anxiety/depression/etc to address it in late ES/MS/HS to make them the "best person they are capable of being". First year of college was challenging, then they switched majors and did well. Started a job 2 weeks after college graduation and doing well almost 2 years later.
If we had a kid with more serious issues, then we would have worked with them to find the right path---including therapy and medications, exec functioning coaching (I was able to do most of that for our one), etc to help them deal with their issues in order to be successful members of society. If CC or trade school was a good path, so be it.
All kids can live at home, but they must be doing something (school or full time employment) and if it's just working (and not attending college), then they would be paying rent, which we would save to give back to them later. I would want them to learn the financial aspects of their choices in life---that working at Target for 40 hours/week means you can only afford this apt and that car, etc. You have to learn to live within your means, but going to college largely can lead to better job options (or at least trade school and a AA in business because it's hard to be a plumber on the job when you are 50+, it's manual labor, much better to move on to owning your own business and managing the plumbers or hvac team)

but no way in hell would by 20 yo be living at home without going to school or getting a full time job. That's a recipe for failure to launch, it is only going to get worse

You don't have a child with a major disability or psychological issue.

Exactly!

If only, it was so easy to fix schizophrenia or bipolar I.

Person with “Bipolar I” here. It’s actually not that difficult (for an experienced psychiatrist) to treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many men have this problem?

The patriarchy? Not really joking.

Seems like the opposite. As it is dismantled we get more of it.

No, weird cousin Joe just stayed inside with Ma centuries ago so he wouldn’t get injured on the farm equipment or the train tracks or in the saber tooth tiger cave.

Historically, the only safety net was the extended family. And no one is unemployed on a family farm- even people with developmental or mental health issues can do work around the farm. It wasn't really until after WWII that there was an expectation in the US that every kid would move out and live separately from the larger family. Every family has "maiden aunts" and "bachelor uncles" in their history that didn't "launch", for whatever reason.

Our modern economy is not kind to people like that, since the old safety net of family isn't in great shape, and nothing has really arisen to take its place (at least not in the US).