Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do they each gain from this? Not pleasure. But peace of mind that their child is sheltered, fed, and maybe won’t get into more trouble.

One of my ex boyfriends experienced significant familial trauma as a teen. He unraveled in college and it has taken him more than a decade to get his life back on track. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been if his family hadn’t supported him financially and with a place to live.

What happens when the parents die if no job, don’t know how to hold job, no one to pay for them/look after or do parents set up trusts so can go in a support/care home?

They usually go get a job and apartment and roommates. Maybe even move to a different city. They finally rely on themselves.

If they need snap or section I housing or Medicaid they can go to an NGO and the SSA office and sign up.

Some due, but I do worry my sibling is capable of horrible things to avoid doing just that

Many of us are in similar situations, very painful when parents refuse to do special needs trust, have properties and just don't care when it all blows up in the mentally healthy siblings face..nvm that mentally healthy sibling has numerous physical medical issues and just needs mentally unstable sibling to cause chaos over inheritance and eventually having shelter once they give it away because they have zero judgment. ..just sayin...

I’m PP - it’s awful isn’t it? My mother is going to run out of money in assisted living and my brother and sister keep asking her for cash. She’s almost 90 and believes every sob story. I’m about ready to call a lawyer

[Anonymous]

You never know the reasons for the "failure to launch" when looking in from the outside. Just wait until something unexpected happens to your kids. Pride goes before the fall.

[Anonymous]

If the kid is literally not doing anything to better his situation in life - not working, not going to school, not learning a trade - and literally just sitting at home playing video games, I would call that a failure of expectations on his parents’ part.

It’s easier to do nothing and ignore it than it is to come up with a plan of action.

Obviously I am not talking about a profoundly disabled young adult. Even in that situation the parents should be looking into group home environments that advocate for the disabled and help them get jobs when at all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is 21, has never had a job, doesn’t attend college, does nothing. His parents (divorced) pay for everything he does; food, gas, car, phone, clothing. He bounces between his parents houses.

What do they each gain from this? Why doesn’t he want to launch? Why do they finance his lifestyle?

This was my friend's son. The Mom (my friend) justified it that the son was still getting over his parents' divorce and that he was a slow developer and that his brain would not be developed until he was 26.

I don't agree. For thousands of years 21 year old males have been working jobs supporting their families.

[Anonymous]

Mental disorders. Diagnosed or not. They fail to launch without targeted help and parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man is 21, has never had a job, doesn’t attend college, does nothing. His parents (divorced) pay for everything he does; food, gas, car, phone, clothing. He bounces between his parents houses.

What do they each gain from this? Why doesn’t he want to launch? Why do they finance his lifestyle?

Get back to me when you understand "invisible" mental and physical health issues and patient confidentiality.

[Anonymous]

I think it has something to do with the unprecedented anxiety/ depression in young people combined with helicopter type parenting.

It’s a bad combination I imagine!

[Anonymous]

My sister never launched. She has a constellation of mental illnesses. The rest of us have. We feel bad for my sister and my parents.

I wouldn’t say they “allow this” as much as they don’t know what else to do. Therapists and programs can only help so much. Sometimes it is a matter of getting the right meds and the right dose.

Looking at her or even talking to her you would not know unless you talked for an extended time. She will say she is just back home taking a break until she figures out her next move (she’s been home three years). My parents tell people the same thing.

When you see a situation like this, don’t assume the child wants to stay home or the parents want them there. Sometimes it is just the best solution that they all have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it has something to do with the unprecedented anxiety/ depression in young people combined with helicopter type parenting.

It’s a bad combination I imagine!

It’s been around forever. Just always lived at home and didn’t work. Mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

You never know what the real story is behind those doors. It's not often a simple explanation. Our DC has been in and out of treatment (outpatient and residential) and is in the middle of a change to medications. We're not dealing with self-harm for the first time in a long while and DC is cooperating with providers, so they can stay with us while stabilizing.

Only very close friends know the whole story.

[Anonymous]

I'm worried this is going to be my kid. I want him to succeed but he has a seizure disorder and can't get a driver's license. He also has really extreme anxiety and panic attacks that haven't been well treated by medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know they “allow” this?

I would change the title to, "Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who enable “failure to launch”?" Outside of most mental illnesses, parents only have themselves to blame if their children feel entitled to financial assistance after college. Never in a million years would I have asked my parents for any money after college (which they entirely paid for). We were raised to become independent, self-supporting adults. My family is wealthy but not so wealthy they could give us a trust fund to support us into perpetuity. My siblings and I have never felt our parents owe us anything as adults. Honestly, the very idea of asking them for any form of financial assistance sounds absurd.

Agree 100% with this, but this is DCUM and people have little shame.

There is a reason that the DMV private schools have grandparents' day...because so many people still need mommy and daddy to support them in some fashion (though they do usually pay for their own housing and food).

Or, because private school it’s important to the grandparents who are willing to pay for it. My parents offered to pay for private school, not because I asked, but because their anxiety compelled them. We declined because I think the private schools in my area aren’t up to snuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:better to live in my basement than die

So long as you're getting them the psychiatric treatment they need, yes

You do understand that not all mental illness can be cured. I have a relative who has tried absolutely every drug under the sun, tons of alternative and experimental therapies, and will go through phases of doing well but is generally too anxious to leave her parents’ house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of close friends and a family member with a kid that is "failure to launch". In all cases the issue is a combination of depression, anxiety and ADHD. In all of the cases the parents are beside themselves trying to keep their kids from going so low they give up on life. It is heartbreaking to see and I wish them all the best - nobody wants to be in this situation typically.

Untreated adhd or asd and all the mishaps that ensure do cause comorbid anxiety and depression.

Why won’t they get professional help for the underlying disorder?!

How do you know they don’t? Professional help doesn’t solve everything. How do you not know that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know the reasons for the "failure to launch" when looking in from the outside. Just wait until something unexpected happens to your kids. Pride goes before the fall.

THIS. Stop judging. You have no idea what is going on. So just MYOB and STFU about it already.