I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

My former husband and his fling were both married, both had young children, both had unassuming spouses.

I figure that in their case that like attracted like. They are both disgusting, pathetic people who destroyed their families for a roll in the hay. Whether they have regret vs. remorse is up to them and it does nothing to change the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they knew they’re not blameless, but focusing anger on them rather than dealing with the spouse who cheated seems like escapism. That’s why most people say the AP doesn’t matter.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My former husband and his fling were both married, both had young children, both had unassuming spouses.

I figure that in their case that like attracted like. They are both disgusting, pathetic people who destroyed their families for a roll in the hay. Whether they have regret vs. remorse is up to them and it does nothing to change the outcome.

+1

Trash attracts trash. They sink to such a depth together.

PP- you are so much better off. Liars and cheats deserve one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If their AP was married, with kids, and they were single. Yes, the blame, accountability, vows, are all on the betrayer. However, is it not just general ethics, or character to not participate in an affair, and potentially breaking up a marriage and family?

Not blameless but they don’t always know or they get a BS explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If their AP was married, with kids, and they were single. Yes, the blame, accountability, vows, are all on the betrayer. However, is it not just general ethics, or character to not participate in an affair, and potentially breaking up a marriage and family?

Not blameless but they don’t always know or they get a BS explanation.

"We're in an open marriage. We're totally allowed to sleep with other people. Just please put my name as 'Becky' in your phone. And never text or call after 5 p.m. And certainly don't mention the fact that we're sleeping together to anyone, especially my wife. But that's just because she thinks it's kinky when I pretend to sneak around with my totally legitimate, open marriage partners. So, my next availability is two months from now when my wife goes to visit her parents; does that work for you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My former husband and his fling were both married, both had young children, both had unassuming spouses.

I figure that in their case that like attracted like. They are both disgusting, pathetic people who destroyed their families for a roll in the hay. Whether they have regret vs. remorse is up to them and it does nothing to change the outcome.

What happened to them?

[Anonymous]

My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

[Anonymous]

Watched the Fatal Attraction reboot on Showtime this weekend. A buzz kill for any of this type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

There’s probably more than enough anger to go around!

[Anonymous]

Sometimes other people's tragedies stir up fears within ourselves . . . think of all the horrible comments when someone's child dies in a hot car. We fear that the unpleasant thing we're seeing could happen to us. And so rather than leaning into empathy, we decide to lecture the person on what they did wrong, sure that we would never be in the same situation (but really . . . not sure, not confident, afraid).

Also, it's very common to make judgments based on how we feel and then work backwards to some stab at logic. This can lead to confirmation bias and appeals to emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

What about the cases where the husband ends up with the OW?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

There’s probably more than enough anger to go around!

Maybe? But at that point…spouse stayed with a known cheater. And they have no responsibility for the (predictable) outcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

What about the cases where the husband ends up with the OW?

And sometimes, it's a better relationship. One of my older relatives got involved with a married man who did divorce his wife, and they've been married more than 50 years now, very happily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.