I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

+1

Or maybe it is internalized misogyny to blame the other woman rather than the man you are married to. Internalized misogyny is weird that way it is often used to prove opposing views.

I was waiting for you to show up. Lol

Real feminist there, a friend of women as you go around sleeping with their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im a married woman who had an affair. It had nothing to do with my AP, tbh. It was all about my dissatisfaction in my marriage. He just happened to be the person I slept with.

There are single men available for that. Much better than wrecking two families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are 100 percent responsible for their own actions. Your spouse is 100 percent responsible for cheating on you. AP is 100 percent responsible for (if knowingly) getting involved with a married person.

It's not a pie with only so much responsibility to go around..

Well said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No common sense normal person actually thinks that. Both people suck.

A bunch of APs and apologists always shout this nonsense talking point.

It takes two scumbags to tango.

[Anonymous]

It depends on who is doing the 'blaming".

Society in general certainly judges the APs, which I guess is a form of blame. I don't think they are blameless in this way.

Yet from the POV of the cheated-on spouse, it is probably healthier to focus on the marrige/healing/moving on than 'blame' the AP. Because you cannot control anything about that person and it is not worth the emotional energy. The only caveat here is if the AP is a person with whom the cheated-on spouse already had a relationship. In that case, there is additional processing to be done towards the AP.

[Anonymous]

Both of them suck. I'm always amazed by the apologists.

I had a really, really crappy college boyfriend who cheated on me a ton (and told me it was on me to get over it! Nice!)

In my last year of college, I moved to DC for a semester internship - and kind of had a rebirth (dated guys who I wouldn't typically date, hung out with people outside my typical social circle, etc). For a brief one month period, I dated a guy with a girlfriend back home in Europe. I can tell you what was in my headspace: That someone had treated me so badly for 3 years that it was awesome to be the one with the power in the relationship and know I was helping f someone else over.

It's probably the least moral thing I've ever done, and just something I needed to get out of my system (and absolutely did make me feel better about my dating health). I met DH a few months later, and 25 years later we have (and have always had) an extremely healthy relationship.

But when I think about APs and being blameless... yeah, I just think back briefly to where my head was for that one month, and yeah it's clear that APs deserve almost as much blame as the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

+1

Or maybe it is internalized misogyny to blame the other woman rather than the man you are married to. Internalized misogyny is weird that way it is often used to prove opposing views.

Sure, if a woman's husband cheated on her and she said, pat pat dear, I completely understand, you're just a man, now let me get my hands on that homewrecker who didn't say no to you . . . then yeah, maybe you have a point. But this isn't how anyone reacts, so why are some women still obsessed with parsing how BWs process the situation?

[Anonymous]

It is easier to blame the other woman or man because it let you rally around your husband or wife. It’s not the other woman or man’s fault. It’s your partner’s fault. That person has the relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

I don't condone sleeping with married people, or other affair behavior. I certainly don't engage in that behavior myself. And I can understand feeling anger and hatred towards someone who slept with my spouse.

But there are many people out there who talk about a married man having an affair as if they are blameless, and the OW is the problem. They'll use words like "homewrecker" that imply this. Or they'll imply that she's the one deserving of consequences. I've heard of people whose husband had an affair at work, who have sought to have the OW fired (but not the husband). Or they'll work on forgiveness towards him, and not towards her. They'll be polite to him in front of the children (for their sake) but then awful to her (which is also hard for the children).

In my mind, if my husband had an affair, then both people would be doing something wrong, but only one of them would be doing it to me, and that's the person who made vows to me and broke them. Being more angry at or less forgiving towards the OW, implying it's more her fault than his, or that her behavior is more personal to me than his doesn't make sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

+1

Or maybe it is internalized misogyny to blame the other woman rather than the man you are married to. Internalized misogyny is weird that way it is often used to prove opposing views.

I was waiting for you to show up. Lol

Real feminist there, a friend of women as you go around sleeping with their husbands.

Clearly I upset you, not my intention. Look I have never cheated on or with someone married or not and never will, despite offers in my younger pre-married days. I have had to process heartbreak, abuse and misogyny in my life. The only way out and towards growth is to hold men/partners accountable for their behavior and emotions and learn that some things aren’t on you as a partner. Then you have to figure out if you are willing to trust that person again, or if you are okay with the cheating as long as your needs are getting met (whatever they are). All of that has nothing to do with the AP.

If you need to throw insults around, attempt to invalidate my opinion and roll your eyes, you do you. I’m just stating the truth as I have lived it.

[Anonymous]

The finger of the works is always pointing at the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't condone sleeping with married people, or other affair behavior. I certainly don't engage in that behavior myself. And I can understand feeling anger and hatred towards someone who slept with my spouse.

But there are many people out there who talk about a married man having an affair as if they are blameless, and the OW is the problem. They'll use words like "homewrecker" that imply this. Or they'll imply that she's the one deserving of consequences. I've heard of people whose husband had an affair at work, who have sought to have the OW fired (but not the husband). Or they'll work on forgiveness towards him, and not towards her. They'll be polite to him in front of the children (for their sake) but then awful to her (which is also hard for the children).

In my mind, if my husband had an affair, then both people would be doing something wrong, but only one of them would be doing it to me, and that's the person who made vows to me and broke them. Being more angry at or less forgiving towards the OW, implying it's more her fault than his, or that her behavior is more personal to me than his doesn't make sense to me.

This is a really good take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

+1

Or maybe it is internalized misogyny to blame the other woman rather than the man you are married to. Internalized misogyny is weird that way it is often used to prove opposing views.

I was waiting for you to show up. Lol

Real feminist there, a friend of women as you go around sleeping with their husbands.

Clearly I upset you, not my intention. Look I have never cheated on or with someone married or not and never will, despite offers in my younger pre-married days. I have had to process heartbreak, abuse and misogyny in my life. The only way out and towards growth is to hold men/partners accountable for their behavior and emotions and learn that some things aren’t on you as a partner. Then you have to figure out if you are willing to trust that person again, or if you are okay with the cheating as long as your needs are getting met (whatever they are). All of that has nothing to do with the AP.

If you need to throw insults around, attempt to invalidate my opinion and roll your eyes, you do you. I’m just stating the truth as I have lived it.

I don’t know any woman that didn’t have blinding seething rage at a husband when cheating was discovered. It is quite possible to hate both parties and hold a spouse accountable. Only on this forum does anyone think men are getting off easy. And this is whether a woman stays or goes. Cheaters are scumbags.

[Anonymous]

There is something very primal that comes out when someone tries to directly come at your family in the way OW search social media about the wife and wish her ill will do they can win “the prize”. It’s a protection of children. Very mama bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have mental health issues so it’s not like they can really see things as they are

I agree. They usually, at a minimum, have very low self esteem and tend to believe anything their affair partner tells them.

I had a friend who slept with married men because it boosted her ego to know she could "steal" a man. I had no sympathy for her at all.

But I also had a friend who had no family, had had an abusive father, and her affair partner was the only man who ever really paid much attention to her. And that was just tragic to me.