I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

Every affair I’ve heard about, both cheaters were married. They thought it would lessen the damage . I guess they are comforted by the fact the OP is also a scumbag liar and could care less about the impact on two families/sets of kids just for a novelty F@k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been the AP. The husband said he was in an open marriage. I didn’t owe her anything. I was a consenting adult with a grown man making the choice for himself.

Pretty much this.

I met my person online, who stated that he was single. My person then said he was separated when I pushed for answers after we met up. His wife found out about me, and harassed me, not to mention her mom also harassed me. He told them that I pursued him in a city that we both lived in years back, but I had no idea he existed back then. I would not willingly pursue a married man. Most married men that have pursued me have no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

If the spouse doesn't respect or honor the marriage, no one else is going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

The alternative is that DH had feelings for the OW or maybe even fell in love. It happens often when the OW is young and beautiful, and it's a tough pill for the BW to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

The alternative is that DH had feelings for the OW or maybe even fell in love. It happens often when the OW is young and beautiful, and it's a tough pill for the BW to swallow.

And even more so when she is not young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

What kind of call to feminism is it to critique BW for directing some blame at OW who may have been actively trying to break up her marriage? "To blame" someone doesn't actually do anything to them. It doesn't shorten their life expectancy, cost them money or a job or a relationship. It's just a feeling. A very natural feeling. OW are allowed to be hot messes with sh!t to work on . . . but BW must be stoic automatons who discover an affair and then smile benevolently at all involved? That is a weird double standard. If she dares to have *feelings* about this OW rather than forgetting her existence in a millisecond, then she must be failing to blame her husband, right? No human brain could possibly entertain both trains of thought at the same time, could it?

No one is saying the wife can’t have feelings. She can be angry, sure, but the person who was ACTIVELY trying to break up her marriage was her husband.

Anger is generated when your rights are being tromped on. You can feel all the anger you want, in fact you aren’t really in control of that. You are in control of what you do with that anger and yelling, confronting or blaming the OW won’t help you deal with your marital mess. It is just a way to vent anger. Your rights were tromped on by your partner who you had a vow/expectation with, that is who your anger belongs to.

"It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self."

"You don’t get to blame someone who never made a commitment to you."

"If you believe the spouse can be forgiven then obviously the AP didn’t do you such a bad turn that you’re not literally having sex with the person who brought them into your life."

"The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented [sic]."

"I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame."

Those statements are saying the wife shouldn’t take her anger out on and blame the OW not that she shouldn’t be angry at all. Anger is a secondary emotion and the insecurities and fears that lie under it are what needs to be addressed.

You can have anger but you don’t have to process it by slinging to at someone. Feeling anger and stepping back to understand your emotions and feeling anger and then directing hate at someone are 2 different things. Everyone feels anger, what you tel yourself next is where people mess up.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/deeper-wellness/202206/understanding-and-processing-anger

[Anonymous]

If you can’t be angry at the people screwing behind your back, then I don’t know when you can be angry. If there is ever a time for anger, this is it..

It’s why there are passion killings. Emotions run high in these betrayal situations. It’s just about every Dateline story out there.

[Anonymous]

I banged your husband. How dare you get mad about it! Christ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

The alternative is that DH had feelings for the OW or maybe even fell in love. It happens often when the OW is young and beautiful, and it's a tough pill for the BW to swallow.

And even more so when she is not young.

I didn’t find that to be the case. Old, ugly and unsuccessful was comical, especially when the lights came on so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

What kind of call to feminism is it to critique BW for directing some blame at OW who may have been actively trying to break up her marriage? "To blame" someone doesn't actually do anything to them. It doesn't shorten their life expectancy, cost them money or a job or a relationship. It's just a feeling. A very natural feeling. OW are allowed to be hot messes with sh!t to work on . . . but BW must be stoic automatons who discover an affair and then smile benevolently at all involved? That is a weird double standard. If she dares to have *feelings* about this OW rather than forgetting her existence in a millisecond, then she must be failing to blame her husband, right? No human brain could possibly entertain both trains of thought at the same time, could it?

No one is saying the wife can’t have feelings. She can be angry, sure, but the person who was ACTIVELY trying to break up her marriage was her husband.

Anger is generated when your rights are being tromped on. You can feel all the anger you want, in fact you aren’t really in control of that. You are in control of what you do with that anger and yelling, confronting or blaming the OW won’t help you deal with your marital mess. It is just a way to vent anger. Your rights were tromped on by your partner who you had a vow/expectation with, that is who your anger belongs to.

"It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self."

"You don’t get to blame someone who never made a commitment to you."

"If you believe the spouse can be forgiven then obviously the AP didn’t do you such a bad turn that you’re not literally having sex with the person who brought them into your life."

"The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented [sic]."

"I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame."

Those statements are saying the wife shouldn’t take her anger out on and blame the OW not that she shouldn’t be angry at all. Anger is a secondary emotion and the insecurities and fears that lie under it are what needs to be addressed.

You can have anger but you don’t have to process it by slinging to at someone. Feeling anger and stepping back to understand your emotions and feeling anger and then directing hate at someone are 2 different things. Everyone feels anger, what you tel yourself next is where people mess up.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/deeper-wellness/202206/understanding-and-processing-anger

I agree that it's not our feelings but how we act on them that matters. I don't agree that you speak for everyone else who has commented on this matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

The alternative is that DH had feelings for the OW or maybe even fell in love. It happens often when the OW is young and beautiful, and it's a tough pill for the BW to swallow.

And even more so when she is not young.

I didn’t find that to be the case. Old, ugly and unsuccessful was comical, especially when the lights came on so to speak.

That is what your DH willingly slept with, and somehow it is her fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the affair partner knows that the person has a wife and kids / they are ruining a family, shame on them. There should be a special place in hell for them.

They aren’t the ones “ruining a family”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I banged your husband. How dare you get mad about it! Christ

Yes, he was just an innocent bystander with no ability to make decisions about himself - or his family - by himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

The alternative is that DH had feelings for the OW or maybe even fell in love. It happens often when the OW is young and beautiful, and it's a tough pill for the BW to swallow.

Yeah, those are the "upgrade" situations and they are tough. Usually first wife and DH met at a youngish age and had kids early, and then DH became successful and realized he could upgrade. I worked for a CEO who left his first wife who he met before he got successful for a model. Now he's one of those rich guys with one set of 20 something kids and then a little kid with the second wife.

[Anonymous]

If they knew they’re not blameless, but focusing anger on them rather than dealing with the spouse who cheated seems like escapism. That’s why most people say the AP doesn’t matter.