I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

I don’t know any OW. But there’s a ton of women on here absolutely fixated on the OW. They start threads about it constantly.

As for the “guy begging to let them stay” the go on to cheat again so why do we actually take that seriously?

Many male and female cheaters do not cheat again. People can and do change.

How do we know? Maybe they just get better at hiding their cheating

Scientists actually study this.

One leading researcher would do anonymous airport surveys. The thinking was that people would be more honest if they were anonymous and knew they'd never see the researcher again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

The AP is responsible for their own morality and behavior. You are not completely blameless when you are engaging in a "relationship" that intentionally undermines another and is hurtful to them. Same reason stealing, physically assaulting someone or animals, cheating on taxes, driving over the speed limit, DWI or without a license, is not acceptable socially. Stop being obtuse about why the AP has responsibility and fault in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

The AP is responsible for their own morality and behavior. You are not completely blameless when you are engaging in a "relationship" that intentionally undermines another and is hurtful to them. Same reason stealing, physically assaulting someone or animals, cheating on taxes, driving over the speed limit, DWI or without a license, is not acceptable socially. Stop being obtuse about why the AP has responsibility and fault in this.

It's really disgusting. I agree. But people will constantly perform mental gymnastics so that they can remain blameless and moral in their own eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

So you think the average BW is thinking, "Why didn't that lady I'd never heard of before prevent my marriage from falling apart?!?!?!" You've narrowed the definition of what the AP does to a very specific thing which you can then absolve her of. Social mores include how we conduct ourselves in society at large. It's OK to think critically about those who flout them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

I don’t know any OW. But there’s a ton of women on here absolutely fixated on the OW. They start threads about it constantly.

As for the “guy begging to let them stay” the go on to cheat again so why do we actually take that seriously?

Many male and female cheaters do not cheat again. People can and do change.

How do we know? Maybe they just get better at hiding their cheating

Scientists actually study this.

One leading researcher would do anonymous airport surveys. The thinking was that people would be more honest if they were anonymous and knew they'd never see the researcher again.

Nobody tells the truth about these things, even in "anonymous airport surveys." I know I wouldn't tell the truth or I would just refuse to participate. Especially to an "anonymous airport" researcher, because that's creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

What about the cases where the husband ends up with the OW?

And sometimes, it's a better relationship. One of my older relatives got involved with a married man who did divorce his wife, and they've been married more than 50 years now, very happily.

How lovely! And the only parties who had to get hurt were the hapless spouse(a) and potentials children. Always worth it for true wuv!!

Which is why betrayed spouses should be taking steps to protect themselves before taking back cheaters (postnup and vasectomy). Focus on getting the best financial settlement available and the most security for your children, which is within your control, instead of perseverating your rage at someone who owes you much less than your spouse does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My former husband and his fling were both married, both had young children, both had unassuming spouses.

I figure that in their case that like attracted like. They are both disgusting, pathetic people who destroyed their families for a roll in the hay. Whether they have regret vs. remorse is up to them and it does nothing to change the outcome.

+1

Trash attracts trash. They sink to such a depth together.

PP- you are so much better off. Liars and cheats deserve one another.

Thanks for saying this. As I struggle to make ends meet and cover for my kids' dad who only calls once a week and sees them one a month it is a good reminder that I am ultimately better off. Even if I don't feel that way a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My former husband and his fling were both married, both had young children, both had unassuming spouses.

I figure that in their case that like attracted like. They are both disgusting, pathetic people who destroyed their families for a roll in the hay. Whether they have regret vs. remorse is up to them and it does nothing to change the outcome.

What happened to them?

Both couples divorced. Six kids between us now come from broken homes without equal access to their parents. Cheaters did not stay together. It was a one night stand thing then a load of texting. They're allegedly not in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My former husband and his fling were both married, both had young children, both had unassuming spouses.

I figure that in their case that like attracted like. They are both disgusting, pathetic people who destroyed their families for a roll in the hay. Whether they have regret vs. remorse is up to them and it does nothing to change the outcome.

What happened to them?

Both couples divorced. Six kids between us now come from broken homes without equal access to their parents. Cheaters did not stay together. It was a one night stand thing then a load of texting. They're allegedly not in touch.

Couple of major scumbag losers, creating trauma for generations to come over a bone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

Nobody is asking the AP to keep the marriage together. The AP serves as a safety net for the person doing the leaving instead of working out what is wrong in the marriage. In my case, the AP was a friend of mine who got to know my kids and hung out at friend gatherings from time to time. This AP had access to an inside world that allowed trust and familiarity. To do what she did was ruthless. My ex is fully responsible as well. This is not something that just affects the spouse. These affairs have ripple effects through the family. My DD now has no relationship with her father and my DS has limits his visits to dinners. Neither the AP or my Ex have even spoken to the kids about their relationship and its been 2 years. The family was destroyed by two people who have no accountability or remorse.

Your comment is really over simplistic and contemptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

The AP is responsible for their own morality and behavior. You are not completely blameless when you are engaging in a "relationship" that intentionally undermines another and is hurtful to them. Same reason stealing, physically assaulting someone or animals, cheating on taxes, driving over the speed limit, DWI or without a license, is not acceptable socially. Stop being obtuse about why the AP has responsibility and fault in this.

It’s not “stealing” if the DH is giving it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the AP's responsibility to keep a marriage together or prevent it from falling apart. That responsibility lies entirely with the married couple.

The AP is responsible for their own morality and behavior. You are not completely blameless when you are engaging in a "relationship" that intentionally undermines another and is hurtful to them. Same reason stealing, physically assaulting someone or animals, cheating on taxes, driving over the speed limit, DWI or without a license, is not acceptable socially. Stop being obtuse about why the AP has responsibility and fault in this.

It’s not “stealing” if the DH is giving it away.

I'm not sure if you're deliberately misinterpreting the PP's comment . . . they weren't saying that cheating IS stealing, but that it's like stealing, cheating on taxes, DWI, etc. . . doing something reckless and/or selfish with a high probability of harming others. Of COURSE the people who do those things have a litany of deflections and excuses. And sure, nobody has to be a good person; it's not a requirement. But some of us like to live by the golden rule knowing that if we're there for others, they'll be there for us when it's our turn to be in need.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I would not say they are entirely blameless, but I think the point is to stop focusing on them. I have known so many women who passionately hate their DH's AP yet they stay with their DH. The DH did the cheating on his wife. The OW had no duty of loyalty to the wife other than, as some have said, a general golden rule sort of thing. But the DH was likely to cheat with someone else if not that OW. And the last thing I would want is for my DH to be faithful to me only because of lack of opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

NP. What? Allow me to introduce you to the Relationship forum.