I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

If their AP was married, with kids, and they were single. Yes, the blame, accountability, vows, are all on the betrayer. However, is it not just general ethics, or character to not participate in an affair, and potentially breaking up a marriage and family?

[Anonymous]

If the affair partner knows that the person has a wife and kids / they are ruining a family, shame on them. There should be a special place in hell for them.

[Anonymous]

They may not have known.

[Anonymous]

They are not blameless but they are fairly disposable and unworthy of the fixation that betrayed women put on them. People use the internet to find affair partners now and it is incredibly, incredibly easy to find someone willing to engage in this behavior. If you read something like the affairs subreddit you see that these people basically tell each other that they are unhappy in their marriages and if that is not true, they take no responsibility for it.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine will date/hook up with guys who are in various forms of committed relationships. I asked her about this, and she very kindly and patiently allowed my questions. What I came away with is, basically, that's on him. If a man is straying, it means for whatever reason he's not satisfied at home, and that's between him and his partner, and has nothing to do with her.

I couldn't do it, but I can understand her point.

[Anonymous]

They have mental health issues so it’s not like they can really see things as they are

[Anonymous]

I have prosocial values, and I'm attracted to people -- as friends and lovers -- who also care about others and the big picture. No, I don't bear the personal responsibility for another person lying or cheating; that's definitely on them. But I also don't see the benefit of enabling or tolerating that behavior just to spend time with someone whose judgment and character I can't trust. If I want no strings sex, there are plenty of people willing to give it to me without lying to their partner to do so.

Despite what I said about my values, I do scratch my head at the idea that we'll dissuade struggling women from hooking up with married men by reminding them of the wives. Because the person they're most benefiting and protecting by saying no to that mess is themselves. If they can't look out for themselves, then no, they won't look out for a stranger whom they view as competition either.

I have a theory that the "OW are blameless" posters are generally the same few actual, or recovering, OW posting as a means of trying to outrun their shame. You do not get that level of vitriol from people looking at the situation from the outside. Even if they're just the kind of people who cheat on their taxes, steal from stores, lie whenever they can't be bothered, etc., it doesn't make sense to me that they'd decide to dig in on this one topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have prosocial values, and I'm attracted to people -- as friends and lovers -- who also care about others and the big picture. No, I don't bear the personal responsibility for another person lying or cheating; that's definitely on them. But I also don't see the benefit of enabling or tolerating that behavior just to spend time with someone whose judgment and character I can't trust. If I want no strings sex, there are plenty of people willing to give it to me without lying to their partner to do so.

Despite what I said about my values, I do scratch my head at the idea that we'll dissuade struggling women from hooking up with married men by reminding them of the wives. Because the person they're most benefiting and protecting by saying no to that mess is themselves. If they can't look out for themselves, then no, they won't look out for a stranger whom they view as competition either.

I have a theory that the "OW are blameless" posters are generally the same few actual, or recovering, OW posting as a means of trying to outrun their shame. You do not get that level of vitriol from people looking at the situation from the outside. Even if they're just the kind of people who cheat on their taxes, steal from stores, lie whenever they can't be bothered, etc., it doesn't make sense to me that they'd decide to dig in on this one topic.

I appreciate the way you think about this

[Anonymous]

People are 100 percent responsible for their own actions. Your spouse is 100 percent responsible for cheating on you. AP is 100 percent responsible for (if knowingly) getting involved with a married person.

It's not a pie with only so much responsibility to go around..

[Anonymous]

They are blameless. It’s not their responsibility to keep a marriage that isn’t there’s together. They didn’t take the vow.

[Anonymous]

They are blameless. It’s not their responsibility to keep a marriage that isn’t there’s together. They didn’t take the vow.

Whether or not they broke a vow, they are being a crappy human who is breaking the general social contract to treat other humans well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They are blameless. It’s not their responsibility to keep a marriage that isn’t there’s together. They didn’t take the vow.

Whether or not they broke a vow, they are being a crappy human who is breaking the general social contract to treat other humans well.

Exactly i

[Anonymous]

This isn’t an issue of “treating other humans well” and for what it’s worth there’s no social contract that we should “treat others well”. If you go through life thinking people are abiding by these rules, you’re only going to get taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine will date/hook up with guys who are in various forms of committed relationships. I asked her about this, and she very kindly and patiently allowed my questions. What I came away with is, basically, that's on him. If a man is straying, it means for whatever reason he's not satisfied at home, and that's between him and his partner, and has nothing to do with her.

I couldn't do it, but I can understand her point.

Guy here…I explained this to my Mom on numerous occasions because she tried to understand how could I sleep with married women. “Mom, that’s on them.” Married women would hit on me and all bets were off. Did I know they were married? Yes and could care less. I was merely providing a service. Did things to them that their husband wouldn’t do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine will date/hook up with guys who are in various forms of committed relationships. I asked her about this, and she very kindly and patiently allowed my questions. What I came away with is, basically, that's on him. If a man is straying, it means for whatever reason he's not satisfied at home, and that's between him and his partner, and has nothing to do with her.

I couldn't do it, but I can understand her point.

Guy here…I explained this to my Mom on numerous occasions because she tried to understand how could I sleep with married women. “Mom, that’s on them.” Married women would hit on me and all bets were off. Did I know they were married? Yes and could care less. I was merely providing a service. Did things to them that their husband wouldn’t do.

Your mom must be so proud of the services you provide! BTW, it’s “could NOT care less”.