I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

[Anonymous]

Im a married woman who had an affair. It had nothing to do with my AP, tbh. It was all about my dissatisfaction in my marriage. He just happened to be the person I slept with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

[Anonymous]

You don’t get to blame someone who never made a commitment to you.

Your partner made a decision, they could have chosen a different decision. They didn’t do the blame falls solely on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im a married woman who had an affair. It had nothing to do with my AP, tbh. It was all about my dissatisfaction in my marriage. He just happened to be the person I slept with.

Objectively speaking, though, the guy you slept with is a total loser. A man who sleeps with married women is a scoundrel deserving of whatever ire he gets (like the guy upthread bragging about it to his MOM (???) for example). It has nothing to do with your dissatisfaction in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If their AP was married, with kids, and they were single. Yes, the blame, accountability, vows, are all on the betrayer. However, is it not just general ethics, or character to not participate in an affair, and potentially breaking up a marriage and family?

Not just if they were single. Even when both APs are married, they are both responsible for harming spouses/kids and wrecking families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine will date/hook up with guys who are in various forms of committed relationships. I asked her about this, and she very kindly and patiently allowed my questions. What I came away with is, basically, that's on him. If a man is straying, it means for whatever reason he's not satisfied at home, and that's between him and his partner, and has nothing to do with her.

I couldn't do it, but I can understand her point.

Does she see the kind of men she is dating? Low character, liars with poor values. What if she falls in love with one? He’ll cheat on her too. She has twisted values which means she’ll likely cheat too. She’s willing to do mental gymnastics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a married woman who had an affair. It had nothing to do with my AP, tbh. It was all about my dissatisfaction in my marriage. He just happened to be the person I slept with.

Objectively speaking, though, the guy you slept with is a total loser. A man who sleeps with married women is a scoundrel deserving of whatever ire he gets (like the guy upthread bragging about it to his MOM (???) for example). It has nothing to do with your dissatisfaction in your marriage.

She’s a total loser too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

+1

[Anonymous]

There are millions of people in the world. The fact that the AP is with a married man is despicable. She is a trash human being. As is he.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im a married woman who had an affair. It had nothing to do with my AP, tbh. It was all about my dissatisfaction in my marriage. He just happened to be the person I slept with.

+1.

[Anonymous]

No common sense normal person actually thinks that. Both people suck.

A bunch of APs and apologists always shout this nonsense talking point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im a married woman who had an affair. It had nothing to do with my AP, tbh. It was all about my dissatisfaction in my marriage. He just happened to be the person I slept with.

This is the answer. I don’t understand why people don’t understand this: the straying spouse is to blame. The AP has nothing to do with it. People like to blame the AP rather than deal with the fact there are issues in the marriage—which means they are partially to blame themselves for the marriage being on shaky ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t get to blame someone who never made a commitment to you.

Your partner made a decision, they could have chosen a different decision. They didn’t do the blame falls solely on them.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn’t that they are blameless. It is that the wife often focuses her anger and insecurities on the OW rather than focusing on healing and fixing her self. Attacking laying blame on the OW allows the wife to at least partially lay the blame on someone other than her husband because it is so hard to process the betrayal of someone who claims to love you.

It isn’t conducive to the wife healing and figuring out what she wants or needs to focus on the OW.

The BW can focus on healing and fixing herself while also having thoughts and feelings about the OW. No one's going to be detached and clinical about someone who was trying to break up their relationship. Additionally, these are primal responses . . . we've evolved to view our mates as prizes to be won (mate poaching) or protected (mate guarding). Understanding our biology and making sure it's working for us and not against us is a much better use of our time than trying to stop people from having completely natural feelings.

It's interesting to me when people get angry or annoyed at strangers who've been cheated on. You can tell if their advice is coming from a place of compassion (e.g."Of course you are understandably upset with the OW but let's focus on your healing and whether your marriage is still working for you") or some kind of internalized misogyny or attempt to justify actions that she knows deep down are crap (all the mean responses we see here regularly).

+1

Or maybe it is internalized misogyny to blame the other woman rather than the man you are married to. Internalized misogyny is weird that way it is often used to prove opposing views.