I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

I don’t know any OW. But there’s a ton of women on here absolutely fixated on the OW. They start threads about it constantly.

As for the “guy begging to let them stay” the go on to cheat again so why do we actually take that seriously?

Many male and female cheaters do not cheat again. People can and do change.

[Anonymous]

The extremes post on here.

The couples that go through it and recover and move onto a better place are a quiet bunch. Most people keep affairs hidden—even to those closest to them.

You just never would know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

I don’t know any OW. But there’s a ton of women on here absolutely fixated on the OW. They start threads about it constantly.

As for the “guy begging to let them stay” the go on to cheat again so why do we actually take that seriously?

Many male and female cheaters do not cheat again. People can and do change.

The statistics suggest otherwise

https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity

Sounds like changing is the outlier behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t an issue of “treating other humans well” and for what it’s worth there’s no social contract that we should “treat others well”. If you go through life thinking people are abiding by these rules, you’re only going to get taken advantage of.

Sometimes these social contracts are made into laws, and many are a part of religious and secular ethics too. In many circumstances, both parties are deemed guilty.

https://www.nytimes.com/1997/06/15/magazine/adultery-and-fraternization.html#:~:text=What%20do%20courts%20say%20today,that%20both%20participants%20are%20adulterers.

That's just the way civilized humans organize themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with no character or morals will almost always rationalize their behavior. It's been happening since the beginning of time.

Yep. I suggest you not marry them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

I don’t know any OW. But there’s a ton of women on here absolutely fixated on the OW. They start threads about it constantly.

As for the “guy begging to let them stay” the go on to cheat again so why do we actually take that seriously?

Many male and female cheaters do not cheat again. People can and do change.

The statistics suggest otherwise

https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity

Sounds like changing is the outlier behavior.

Actually, no, this study says that 45% cheated again. That means 55% didn't. You can't use the term "outlier" with those numbers. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sliding-vs-deciding/201710/is-partner-who-has-cheated-likely-cheat-again

The original article should have just used the actual numbers. They're 3x more likely to cheat again could mean anything. Like it could be an increase from 2% to 6%. Give us the actual numbers, folks.

[Anonymous]

I had an emotional affair with a married man while also married and honestly it's just not about the other person, at least for me it wasn't. He was sort of a blank space where I could project what I wanted, and I probably could have easily met someone else to fulfill the same function, as could he. He was tall, charming, funny, and successful, and there are a lot of women with issues who would want validation and attention from someone like that.

It was really fortunate that I found him more endearing than sexually attractive and ended things. He really, really wanted to take things to the next step of a physical relationship, and I assume he is out there still cheating or trying to cheat on his wife. She was just a nonentity to him; he didn't have anything mean to say about her but he truly could not care less about his betrayal to her. Same with me, I was too angry and resentful of my husband to care about what I was doing to him. It was truly the worst thing I've ever done and I can't quite believe I came so close to a full on affair.

[Anonymous]

Can we pull the plug on this thread? Enough is enough. Let’s move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we pull the plug on this thread? Enough is enough. Let’s move on.

Posting a response and bumping a thread about infidelity to the top of Recent Topics is DEFINITELY the best way to pull the plug on a thread as opposed to... I don't know, not clicking on it or responding to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They are blameless. It’s not their responsibility to keep a marriage that isn’t there’s together. They didn’t take the vow.

Whether or not they broke a vow, they are being a crappy human who is breaking the general social contract to treat other humans well.

You must have had a very privileged life to believe a social contract like this exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

What about the cases where the husband ends up with the OW?

Few and far between. That’s a 2% chance.

I know of plenty. I also wonder how many I know who are with their AP but nobody knows.

I also know a few. Second marriages still intact 20 years later and the first marriages were less than 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not they broke a vow, they are being a crappy human who is breaking the general social contract to treat other humans well.


You must have had a very privileged life to believe a social contract like this exists.

What does this have to do with being privileged? People should treat other people with respect - have you never heard of the golden rule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Whether or not they broke a vow, they are being a crappy human who is breaking the general social contract to treat other humans well.


You must have had a very privileged life to believe a social contract like this exists.

What does this have to do with being privileged? People should treat other people with respect - have you never heard of the golden rule?

I think the opposite is true. Most of the 8 billion humans on this planet need the help and safety provided by being a community member, and communities have mores that keep things from descending into chaos. It's only people with so much privilege that they could never need someone else who don't abide by social contracts. And, of course, psychopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

Because they live with the spouse and do their laundry and pay their bills and sleep with them. That’s not “seething with rage”. That’s “blaming the party who it doesn’t inconvenience me to blame”.

And that’s the real reason the OW gets blamed. It doesn’t require introspection from the spouse. It doesn’t require real contrition or change from the adulterer. They get to pretend the affair (affairs) were something that happened to them, rather than something that was done by them.

First, wtf are you talking about? Of course they aren’t spending a lifetime seething with rage. That is at discovery/first months/year stuff. And, no, most aren’t doing anything for them when they found out and many have their own jobs and aren’t waiting hand and foot. The majority of times the guy is begging to let them stay, not divorce them and doing everything possible to make amends.

It’s done narrative OW like to spin. They just don’t matter. Period. People move on. They don’t look back. She’s not worth a breath or thought.

I don’t know any OW. But there’s a ton of women on here absolutely fixated on the OW. They start threads about it constantly.

As for the “guy begging to let them stay” the go on to cheat again so why do we actually take that seriously?

Many male and female cheaters do not cheat again. People can and do change.

How do we know? Maybe they just get better at hiding their cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is, when it’s a serial adulterer, is the betrayed spouse equally mad at each successive AP or does it finally become the cheating spouses fault then?

My question is why anyone thinks a betrayed spouse is not seething with rage and absolutely pissed at their spouse when they find out. The narrative some OW are trying to keep going “the woes me- why am I getting all the blame” blah blah crap almost seems like a severe need to stay relevant in the drama they crave and in AP’s life. I can tell you in the vast majority of cases nobody is thinking of you much after or even gives two sh@ts about you. You just aren’t relevant.

What about the cases where the husband ends up with the OW?

Few and far between. That’s a 2% chance.

I know of plenty. I also wonder how many I know who are with their AP but nobody knows.

I also know a few. Second marriages still intact 20 years later and the first marriages were less than 10 years.

Yep I bet it is way higher than 2 percent. Most men remarry or start seriously dating quickly after divorce…I’m sure some are APs, you just don’t know it