Does anyone else find ‘cherish these moments’ parenting advice a little traumatizing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

NP. The point of DCUM, really, is that this is where you CAN anonymously vent and say the things you wouldn't say to a stranger, but if the collective wisdom is pointing toward stop being annoying, maybe stop. Like, YES, most of us did (and do) just blandly smile when some random stranger was yammering on with unsolicited advice or just-you-waits. That's the response in real life. Got it.

But here we get to say why it was annoying. And we can commiserate a bit. And yeah, give some other insight and perspective. But maybe if you're defensive and uncomfortable because you don't like that the general consensus is that you are annoying if you are the Smug Older Mommy sort, you could reevaluate the way you interact with...people you don't even know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Who are you talking to? I hear these things I didn't say I say them. But I know how to respond and not sound crazy. Social skills. Learn them. You aren't the first person to ever have a baby. When you go out in public you will encounter all types. Stop being surprised and model appropriate behavior for going out in pubic with your baby.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to tell a stranger to buzz off. I hope my daughters will learn that they don't have to take patronizing crap from literal strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Who are you talking to? I hear these things I didn't say I say them. But I know how to respond and not sound crazy. Social skills. Learn them. You aren't the first person to ever have a baby. When you go out in public you will encounter all types. Stop being surprised and model appropriate behavior for going out in pubic with your baby.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to tell a stranger to buzz off. I hope my daughters will learn that they don't have to take patronizing crap from literal strangers.

Yes please tell your daughters to mouth off to every stranger she meets who say something she doesn't like. What could possibly go wrong?

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re about ten years too late with this sentiment. In 2012, an unknown SAHM became an internet superstar with a blog post titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” Look it up, you might enjoy it. And they’re making a TV show about her life now, so everything turned out fine for her, and it will for you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

NP. The point of DCUM, really, is that this is where you CAN anonymously vent and say the things you wouldn't say to a stranger, but if the collective wisdom is pointing toward stop being annoying, maybe stop. Like, YES, most of us did (and do) just blandly smile when some random stranger was yammering on with unsolicited advice or just-you-waits. That's the response in real life. Got it.

But here we get to say why it was annoying. And we can commiserate a bit. And yeah, give some other insight and perspective. But maybe if you're defensive and uncomfortable because you don't like that the general consensus is that you are annoying if you are the Smug Older Mommy sort, you could reevaluate the way you interact with...people you don't even know.

Exactly this. Zero people have responded that they love hearing unsolicited platitudes from more experienced moms. Everyone has said they either feel neutral, or internally eye roll as they smile and nod and then move on, or feel really bad about how theyre not cherishing enough/ feel anxious about how much harder it’s apparently going to get, etc.

So the question is, armed with this knowledge, are you going to keep cheerfully telling new moms “buckle up! Wait till she starts walking then you’ll really have your hands full!” Or “little kids, little problems…. Wait till high school!” Or “you’ll blink and he will be a surly teenager. Hug him tight and remember this!”? And if you ARE…. then admit that you’re doing it solely because you feel smug and want to make a smug comment. Because you are now aware that no new mom truly appreciates it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

NP. The point of DCUM, really, is that this is where you CAN anonymously vent and say the things you wouldn't say to a stranger, but if the collective wisdom is pointing toward stop being annoying, maybe stop. Like, YES, most of us did (and do) just blandly smile when some random stranger was yammering on with unsolicited advice or just-you-waits. That's the response in real life. Got it.

But here we get to say why it was annoying. And we can commiserate a bit. And yeah, give some other insight and perspective. But maybe if you're defensive and uncomfortable because you don't like that the general consensus is that you are annoying if you are the Smug Older Mommy sort, you could reevaluate the way you interact with...people you don't even know.

Sure, you get to say why it's annoying (actually, I believe the word was "traumatizing.") Just like those of who also find it annoying but refuse to get all worked up about it get to say, hey, maybe it's not that big of a deal and you're just taking it too personally--and you should reevaluate your reaction to stuff like this. That's a valid perspective, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re about ten years too late with this sentiment. In 2012, an unknown SAHM became an internet superstar with a blog post titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” Look it up, you might enjoy it. And they’re making a TV show about her life now, so everything turned out fine for her, and it will for you, too.

Sweet Jesus, you had to bring she who shall not be named into this thread, huh? Since when is having a TV show made about your life a sign that everything turned out fine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

NP. The point of DCUM, really, is that this is where you CAN anonymously vent and say the things you wouldn't say to a stranger, but if the collective wisdom is pointing toward stop being annoying, maybe stop. Like, YES, most of us did (and do) just blandly smile when some random stranger was yammering on with unsolicited advice or just-you-waits. That's the response in real life. Got it.

But here we get to say why it was annoying. And we can commiserate a bit. And yeah, give some other insight and perspective. But maybe if you're defensive and uncomfortable because you don't like that the general consensus is that you are annoying if you are the Smug Older Mommy sort, you could reevaluate the way you interact with...people you don't even know.

Sure, you get to say why it's annoying (actually, I believe the word was "traumatizing.") Just like those of who also find it annoying but refuse to get all worked up about it get to say, hey, maybe it's not that big of a deal and you're just taking it too personally--and you should reevaluate your reaction to stuff like this. That's a valid perspective, too.

Not the PP- but I think the point is, the best anyone can say for these comments is that they’re a little annoying but NBD. So it can be like, a PSA to the older moms posting on here who are saying they say these things and people need to just take them in the spirit in which they were intended. Bht- now they know- the consensus is that they aren’t appreciated. The more you know! That sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re about ten years too late with this sentiment. In 2012, an unknown SAHM became an internet superstar with a blog post titled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” Look it up, you might enjoy it. And they’re making a TV show about her life now, so everything turned out fine for her, and it will for you, too.

Sweet Jesus, you had to bring she who shall not be named into this thread, huh? Since when is having a TV show made about your life a sign that everything turned out fine?[/quote

Hahahah. Sorry, I couldn’t help it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

NP. The point of DCUM, really, is that this is where you CAN anonymously vent and say the things you wouldn't say to a stranger, but if the collective wisdom is pointing toward stop being annoying, maybe stop. Like, YES, most of us did (and do) just blandly smile when some random stranger was yammering on with unsolicited advice or just-you-waits. That's the response in real life. Got it.

But here we get to say why it was annoying. And we can commiserate a bit. And yeah, give some other insight and perspective. But maybe if you're defensive and uncomfortable because you don't like that the general consensus is that you are annoying if you are the Smug Older Mommy sort, you could reevaluate the way you interact with...people you don't even know.

Sure, you get to say why it's annoying (actually, I believe the word was "traumatizing.") Just like those of who also find it annoying but refuse to get all worked up about it get to say, hey, maybe it's not that big of a deal and you're just taking it too personally--and you should reevaluate your reaction to stuff like this. That's a valid perspective, too.

Not the PP- but I think the point is, the best anyone can say for these comments is that they’re a little annoying but NBD. So it can be like, a PSA to the older moms posting on here who are saying they say these things and people need to just take them in the spirit in which they were intended. Bht- now they know- the consensus is that they aren’t appreciated. The more you know! That sort of thing.

Not every poster saying its NBD is an older mom, you know.

[Anonymous]

I just assume some of the off the wall comments are said by people who might be senile. I don't let it ruin my day or consider it traumatizing. You need a thicker skin if its traumatizing, or maybe find a different word to express your mild annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Once you are an empty nester you do your best to forget about all the insanity of the child raising years and just focus on special moments. It’s human nature so just deal with it because you will be them in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same about “little kids, little problems!” with a condescending smile from women with older children. Yea, I know, I get it, your life is much more complicated and important than mine because your kids are in middle school and mine are in diapers. One day I will be as wise as you. But being chronically incredibly sleep deprived is not a “little problem” according to most medical experts.

Why are women turning on each other, instead of supporting ourselves through this touch job?

Don't hear that woman trying to "compete" with you. That is all in your head. She is saying, put on your seatbelt because she has flown in the skies that you are heading for.

And? So? I have older kids and I would never say that to a sleep-deprived parent. What rubbish. Every stage comes with blessings and curses. Do your best, enjoy what you can, know that others have been through the rough things, so you can reach out and find resources and community to help you through.

And yes, that woman and her ilk are trying to compete and one-up. They want to feel smug. Leave them to it.

I find it hard to believe that when one parent sees another struggling, they say "Enjoy these precious moments." COME ON!

They usually say that at some adorable moment. You people are being ridiculous.

Actually both my kids were being loud and difficult in Target last week and another mom truly did smile and tell me I’d miss these days. I wanted to punch her. Like why would you tell someone who is clearly struggling “cherish this because it’s all downhill from here!” Read the room, people. Don’t project your nonsense onto strangers struggling with toddlers. [/quote

Or maybe that person was just trying to make you feel better so you weren't stressed about the public perception of your kids.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Who are you talking to? I hear these things I didn't say I say them. But I know how to respond and not sound crazy. Social skills. Learn them. You aren't the first person to ever have a baby. When you go out in public you will encounter all types. Stop being surprised and model appropriate behavior for going out in pubic with your baby.

I think it's perfectly appropriate to tell a stranger to buzz off. I hope my daughters will learn that they don't have to take patronizing crap from literal strangers.

Yes please tell your daughters to mouth off to every stranger she meets who say something she doesn't like. What could possibly go wrong?

If it’s an old biddy yammering on about How It Was With My Billy, probably nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

NP. The point of DCUM, really, is that this is where you CAN anonymously vent and say the things you wouldn't say to a stranger, but if the collective wisdom is pointing toward stop being annoying, maybe stop. Like, YES, most of us did (and do) just blandly smile when some random stranger was yammering on with unsolicited advice or just-you-waits. That's the response in real life. Got it.

But here we get to say why it was annoying. And we can commiserate a bit. And yeah, give some other insight and perspective. But maybe if you're defensive and uncomfortable because you don't like that the general consensus is that you are annoying if you are the Smug Older Mommy sort, you could reevaluate the way you interact with...people you don't even know.

Sure, you get to say why it's annoying (actually, I believe the word was "traumatizing.") Just like those of who also find it annoying but refuse to get all worked up about it get to say, hey, maybe it's not that big of a deal and you're just taking it too personally--and you should reevaluate your reaction to stuff like this. That's a valid perspective, too.

Not the PP- but I think the point is, the best anyone can say for these comments is that they’re a little annoying but NBD. So it can be like, a PSA to the older moms posting on here who are saying they say these things and people need to just take them in the spirit in which they were intended. Bht- now they know- the consensus is that they aren’t appreciated. The more you know! That sort of thing.

Not every poster saying its NBD is an older mom, you know.

That’s not what I said.

But go on continuing to make tone deaf comments to strangers. We will continue to smile and laugh and nod and then roll our eyes afterwords.