Does anyone else find ‘cherish these moments’ parenting advice a little traumatizing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

If you saw a hiker half dead from exhaustion, with a sprained ankle, limping down the trail would you truly say “wasn’t that view you passed just spectacular!?!?” Because that’s the analogy here.

Or telling that same hiker “you think it’s hard now but wait till you get around the bend!” and then smile and walk off. As opposed to, like, helping them around the bend.

This is just over the top.

DP and no, it's not. What some of us are describing is an utter failure of empathy or even theory of mind to know that someone is in a different place than you and just because you are further down the road of parenting, they may not want your unsolicited advice.

My kids are tweens and I make a point of not making comments like this to people. I'll coo over their baby or offer to hold them or, if their parents say how exhausted they are, I'll nod and say, yeah, these days are super exhausting, for sure. Things like that. It's actually possible to support people where they are and not insert yourself into their space, believe it or not.

Standing ovation!

[Anonymous]

This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Not PP, but if it bothers you so much that a member of the public says something to you that you don't like, maybe don't go out? It doesn't seem normal to internalize these comments so much. The fact that you view these interactions as the other mother desperately seeking your attention tells me that you are the one who doesn't understand basic social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

...and then feel free to come on here and tell people how you really feel about it, which is what DCUM is good for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Not PP, but if it bothers you so much that a member of the public says something to you that you don't like, maybe don't go out? It doesn't seem normal to internalize these comments so much. The fact that you view these interactions as the other mother desperately seeking your attention tells me that you are the one who doesn't understand basic social skills.

DP, but you're forgetting what an emotionally fraught time it is when you're a new parent. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

If you saw a hiker half dead from exhaustion, with a sprained ankle, limping down the trail would you truly say “wasn’t that view you passed just spectacular!?!?” Because that’s the analogy here.

Or telling that same hiker “you think it’s hard now but wait till you get around the bend!” and then smile and walk off. As opposed to, like, helping them around the bend.

This is just over the top.

Right

Someone really needs to talk her off the ledge.

I know! Tell her she will miss these Days!

How about just leave her alone when you see her in the store. You don’t need to comment at everyone .

But how else will these aging women who no longer are the center of their children's universe, and who are increasingly irrelevant in many ways, get attention and validation?! They seek the kindness of strangers, and even enjoy negative attention.

Ah, there’s the overt ageism and misogyny I was waiting for! 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Not PP, but if it bothers you so much that a member of the public says something to you that you don't like, maybe don't go out? It doesn't seem normal to internalize these comments so much. The fact that you view these interactions as the other mother desperately seeking your attention tells me that you are the one who doesn't understand basic social skills.

Since when is walking up to strangers and giving them unsolicited advice a "basic social skill"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

...and then feel free to come on here and tell people how you really feel about it, which is what DCUM is good for.

LOL, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

But these women aren’t saying “you’re almost there!” They’re saying “buckle up buttercup, you thought it was hard but you haven’t seen what’s around the corner!” You would really say that to another hiker?

I've heard the comments. They have been said to me. They give me a little pause and I mostly just think "it won't always be like this" but it's not a big deal. And sometimes it does get me to take a step back and catch my breath when I'm in the throes of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Not PP, but if it bothers you so much that a member of the public says something to you that you don't like, maybe don't go out? It doesn't seem normal to internalize these comments so much. The fact that you view these interactions as the other mother desperately seeking your attention tells me that you are the one who doesn't understand basic social skills.

DP, but you're forgetting what an emotionally fraught time it is when you're a new parent. Come on.

Not at all. It was only a few years ago for me. Did people say things I didn't like? Of course. Did I mutter under my breath at the person when I was totally flustered, sweaty and struggling with my child? Of course. Did I stew about it and take it personally? No. I'd just chalk it up to that person being a jerk, or a clueless idiot, or someone who's so old they don't know what the hell they are talking about, or a busybody--and I'd go about my day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't hard. Some people appreciate hearing stuff like this. Others don't. Sometimes it's just small talk. Sometimes it's not that deep--and believe it or not, sometimes it isn't even about you. Shocking, I know. I swear, half the time the women making these types of comments are actually talking about or thinking back to their own experiences. This seems to be especially true for old ladies.

You can't police what people say, nor can you control them. You don't like the comment? Just nod or smile and be on your way.

Literally no one has jumped on here to say "oh, I love hearing that! It's such a good reminder." The range is - "meh, no biggie" to the woman on page 4, crying 10 times a day and saying that comments like this made her life harder.

Everyone recognizes that you can't control other people. But the point of this thread is - hey, if you're saying this, maybe stop and here's why.

If everyone recognizes that they can't control other people, then why are you on here telling others to stop saying things? How does that make any sense?

And even if no one on this particular thread has said they enjoy hearing these types of comments, it doesn't follow that everyone everywhere feels the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Not PP, but if it bothers you so much that a member of the public says something to you that you don't like, maybe don't go out? It doesn't seem normal to internalize these comments so much. The fact that you view these interactions as the other mother desperately seeking your attention tells me that you are the one who doesn't understand basic social skills.

DP, but you're forgetting what an emotionally fraught time it is when you're a new parent. Come on.

Not at all. It was only a few years ago for me. Did people say things I didn't like? Of course. Did I mutter under my breath at the person when I was totally flustered, sweaty and struggling with my child? Of course. Did I stew about it and take it personally? No. I'd just chalk it up to that person being a jerk, or a clueless idiot, or someone who's so old they don't know what the hell they are talking about, or a busybody--and I'd go about my day.

Good for you. Probably most of the people on this thread did the same thing as you, but when presented the opportunity to share their true feelings on this anonymous forum, are chiming in to say how much those comments royally sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is like you are hiking on a trail. The people who are coming back might say, "that next part is a bear." Or, "didn't the part you just finished have spectacular views?" They are not being smug or competitive or mean. They are sharing the journey you are both on.

If you were not so exhausted and overwhelmed, you could probably take it as it is meant. I just don't think you realize that your strong negative reaction emanates from your quality of life right now, not the friendly women who is looking fondly at your beautiful child.

What was "a bear" to you might be easy to them, and what might have been a "spectacular view" for you might have been the part that triggered their vertigo. Do you get it yet? The same journey for everyone is not, indeed, the same.

How about just smile as you pass, and if someone looks like they are struggling or worried, ask if there's anything you can do to help--then, RESPECT THE ANSWER, no matter what it is and what you think it should be.

Why don't you just learn some basic conversational and social skills and if someone says "you're almost there!" on the trail you smile, nod, say thanks, or whatever, and not think too hard about it. 99% of people don't give much of an answer to slight encouragement. If it's not for you, just nod. They don't need your life story about aches and pains, vertigo, or what you really thought of a particular leg or view.

Here's some basic social skills: not everyone wants to give you the attention and validation you so desperately seek. Some of us prefer to spend our time out with our baby with our baby, or our time hiking alone just hiking alone. I don't exist to give you attention and stroke your ego, Oh Wise Older Mother.

Who are you talking to? I hear these things I didn't say I say them. But I know how to respond and not sound crazy. Social skills. Learn them. You aren't the first person to ever have a baby. When you go out in public you will encounter all types. Stop being surprised and model appropriate behavior for going out in pubic with your baby.