Reply to I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

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Reply to "I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then,  I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though. [/quote]

I'm glad you checked back in OP. I always find it useful to put my thoughts down.

Pandemic parenting, yes, so hard. Especially with younger kids. I'm sure virtual learning was really difficult with a kid that young.

In my experience, so much of marriage is just communicating our feelings in a judgement-free space. Right now you don't feel like you have that space, obviously. So my advice is to find your deepest wells of curiosity and compassion for DH. How is HIS stress manifesting as criticism of you? If you can see it as a manifestation of his deeper issues, it might help you discuss it with him in a more productive way. As your spouse, he should be really concerned to hear that you feel like he's saying you're not good enough. If you can walk him through what it would mean for your work life to do what he's doing at school, maybe he will realize that his feelings are based on unfounded embarrassment or fears the other PTA parents are judging you, and him by extension, or whatever.

When I have a marital issue that is bad but not, you know, divorce-worthy, I try to reset things by doing the thing I wish my spouse were doing. So in this case I think I'd praise him specifically for the things he's doing with the kids. Just put that positive energy out there and see if it inspires him to notice the ways that you absolutely are rocking motherhood. Somebody has to be the one to stop the bad cycle. Of course, this may not work, but I figure a little extra positivity can't hurt either.[/quote]

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