Reply to Should I excuse DH from nighttime duties?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I mean honestly, we all know this: there are plenty of dads who handle one feeding at night, go to work, come home at 6, then talk about how tired they are from waking up at night and proceed to sit on the couch while their wife handles the evening with the baby (after being alone with baby all day). Vs the husband who is rested from having slept the night before and is prepared to come home in the evening and take over for a few hours, put the baby in a carrier and make dinner while the mom relaxes.[/quote]

I mean this is a possible scenario but not one that is born out by anything other than ancdata.

The tl;dr of this whole thread is, the degree to which you care about egalitarian parenting should inform your decision. Because what research does show is a men who do not do equal care for newborns continue not to do equal care for children. An equally plausible scenario to your well rested guy with the baby in a carrier is the guy who just says “the baby likes you more” when they don’t know how to soothe their six week old and “you’re just better at this” about their clingy 16MO.

But it’s also possible not to particularly care about egalitarian parenting, be happy being the primary parent, and be satisfied with “helping out” from DH. If someone (OP or otherwise) wants that they should just say that’s what they want and recognize that’s what their advice points to for outcomes.[/quote]

No, that is not the "tl;dr" of this thread. Your smug and dimissive attitude suggests to me that you care more about political ideals than about the experiences of actual women.

Do you even have children? You sound like a 19 year old who just took a women's studies class.

I reject your premise that middle of the night feedings are "parenting" and everything else is just "helping out." I'm wondering what other rules you have for exactly what parents have to do, and exactly what time they have to do it, so that they can be "real parents" instead of "helpers."

And how does this apply to the postpartum period in families with multiple children? I'm having my third child in a month. While my husband is on paternity leave, he is going to be taking care of our two older children, taking care of the newborn at times during the day, doing all the cooking and cleaning. Are you saying none of that counts if he doesn't also do a middle of the night feeding? Are you suggesting that it's best for me and my other children if my husband does a middle of the night feeding and then rests during the day while I drag my tired, bleeding, postpartum body, with its accompanying roller coaster hormones, off the couch and take care of my older 2 children? Who, by the way, include a crazy 2 year old who requires a parent with energy and focus to take care of him. I don't see how that at all makes sense, but I guess that's what we would have to do, in the name of equality?

[/quote]

Since you aren’t the OP, none of this is about you, or your parenting, or your crazy two year old. You are a sample size of one. Actual research done over the long term has shown the connection between equal parenting in the newborn stage and long-term equality between parents.  It was one of the underpinning studies to expanding paternity leave in the Nordic countries.  Yes I have children but that’s also not relevant, nor is my age, nor is your name calling. [/quote]

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