When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

I suggested that, and was told that sibling's children would feel "abandoned" if their cousins weren't here. We could, obviously, go anyway, but I don't see a point if it doesn't make them happy.

People like that can kick rocks!!!!
Ok life happens your sibling is sick so plans change the cousins will be fine, it’s the adults raising a stink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

Most likely they think one night is not a big deal. This isn’t a one room cabin. OP’s husband can retire to his room any time he’s feeling too tired/overwhelmed.

[b]+1 If DH is that disturbed by the noise he can stay in his room with noise canceling headphones…it seems pretty outlandish that simply being in the same residence as the cousins is going to cause his health to deteriorate. OP and family are just set in their ways residing with the grandparents and don’t want to have to adapt to accommodate other family members.

This. I am sorry for what you are going through, OP, but you are not talking about a week-long visit from SIL and family. This is 24 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I and our kids (tween and teen) live with his parents. We moved in for pandemic related reasons, and then stayed, in part because DH has developed a serious illness, which has caused permanent disability. We are still adjusting to that.

DH's sibling used to live far away and came home with her kids every year for Christmas, staying with my in laws. Of course last year was different due to the pandemic. This year they moved back to the state, and live close by. They have more kids than we do, and their kids are younger, including a young baby.

Last week I sat down with all of DH's parents and siblings and we made a plan for Christmas (DH is really not in a place to do this, due to illness). We agreed that we'd each do Christmas morning at our own house, and then meet at another sibling's house in the afternoon to exchange gifts, play games and have a feast. I like this plan. DH's stamina is a huge issue, and he gets overwhelmed by kid chaos. So, allowing him to focus on our kids in the morning makes sense to me. ..

compromise.

The facts are way beyond the thread title that could have been 1 sib living in the parents house:
-GPs own a 3 plus bedroom house.
-OP+DH have a tween and a teen. Do they have friends over at the GP house where they now live? Their house is local to GP yet they moved in with the GP so 2-3 bedrooms at the GP are no longer available for guest family. Why move in? Unknown.
-1 sib with a DW + 2 young children + now a baby used to stay over at GP house prior to moving locally. OP despite having a local residence also slept over there at Christmas.
-Unknown how many other sibs of the DH with spouses and adult children will be at any 2021 gathering or where they live. All the DH sibs are likely wondering about the living situation of their parents. On avoiding breakthrough infections it's easier to control exposure of younger kids than tweens or teens or young adults.

If I were the GP and all residences were local I'd have an early lite Christmas Eve dinner at my own house then go to the other house and sleep over to have early AM with the young children and breakfast. Whole thing could be over and them back at their house before the tween and teen even roll out of bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't the grandparents want to do what is best for their own son's health? I am surprised no one seems that worried about his well-being vs some Christmas tradition that is not a great idea in the age of COVID anyway.

Most likely they think one night is not a big deal. This isn’t a one room cabin. OP’s husband can retire to his room any time he’s feeling too tired/overwhelmed.

[b]+1 If DH is that disturbed by the noise he can stay in his room with noise canceling headphones…it seems pretty outlandish that simply being in the same residence as the cousins is going to cause his health to deteriorate. OP and family are just set in their ways residing with the grandparents and don’t want to have to adapt to accommodate other family members.

This. I am sorry for what you are going through, OP, but you are not talking about a week-long visit from SIL and family. This is 24 hours.

No. The husband is disabled and he is part of the family. It’s not OP’s responsibility to cater to every desire her nieces and nephews express. It sounds like OP and her children have sacrificed a lot to cope with her husband’s illness. His sister and her children will need to get over the fact that their uncle’s disability will slightly impact their preferred Christmas sleeping arrangements. They need to get over it.

OP, you need to stop indulging this. Stop devoting any more mental energy to their whining. You gave them 3 options, they can pick one and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't know why everyone is giving you grief. I thought the first plan was great. The sibling that is pushing for everyone to be together in one big house now is the one trying to change it up but not accepting any plan but their own. You have shown a willingness to to adapt (going to a hotel). Is the sibling worried that this is the last Christmas with both parents? What did they say when you all got together to create the original plan?

When we put together the original plan, they seemed fine with it. They were as active as I was in planning it. I think they really were fine with it, and then went home and their kids were like "wait we want to be with the cousins".

I don't think they're worried this is the last Christmas with their parents, I think they may be worried that it's the last Christmas with DH, and of course I'm worried about that too. But that's a reason for him to get to spend it with his own children. The idea that my husband could spend his last Christmas at a hotel without his kids is kind of heartbreaking to me. I'm sort of amazed that DCUM thinks it's a reasonable solution.

Wait, I responded before and said you needed to compromise. I had no idea your DH may only have months to live. Did he have a stroke? Just pull off the bandaid and tell sibling now it won't work. I am sorry for what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. This is a really nutty thread - more than usual. Who are all these people who don’t understand the practical implications and the state of your DH if he required a 2 MONTH hospital stay.

DH’s sibling is going to need to put on her big girl pants and realize that some traditions change over time because the needs of the families change. You are being far more empathetic than someone in your circumstances need be.

At this point, I’d tell the family you are out of ideas but will not be up for a sleepover for your nuclear family. You will be delighted to see them on Christmas morning.

[Anonymous]

No one’s smelling a rat here?
The DH medical condition becomes progressively worse with each OP update.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very reasonable for them to come over, and scheduke break/nap time on and off during the day so DH can retreat. Schedule the most important stuff first so if DH needs to call it a day, he can. Honestly, even with just your kids he might need to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s time to make plans to move out of your DH’s parents’ house. There is no decision here that will satisfy everybody.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. This is a really nutty thread - more than usual. Who are all these people who don’t understand the practical implications and the state of your DH if he required a 2 MONTH hospital stay.

DH’s sibling is going to need to put on her big girl pants and realize that some traditions change over time because the needs of the families change. You are being far more empathetic than someone in your circumstances need be.

At this point, I’d tell the family you are out of ideas but will not be up for a sleepover for your nuclear family. You will be delighted to see them on Christmas morning.

She said she didn't want to see them Christmas morning in the OP. She wants to see them later in the day at another sibling's house.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is going to need rest time throughout the day no matter what. I think you are pretty unreasonable, OP, to think that he’s going to be around all day with the kids.

Block schedule your holiday with large breaks, and stay flexible.

I think the cousins tradition is kind of dumb. Your kids are a bit old to care about or even want to be hanging out with young cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is going to need rest time throughout the day no matter what. I think you are pretty unreasonable, OP, to think that he’s going to be around all day with the kids.

Block schedule your holiday with large breaks, and stay flexible.

I think the cousins tradition is kind of dumb. Your kids are a bit old to care about or even want to be hanging out with young cousins.

She’s actually already responded that having someone else host later in the day would allow DH to limit time and energy.

[Anonymous]

You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. This is a really nutty thread - more than usual. Who are all these people who don’t understand the practical implications and the state of your DH if he required a 2 MONTH hospital stay.

DH’s sibling is going to need to put on her big girl pants and realize that some traditions change over time because the needs of the families change. You are being far more empathetic than someone in your circumstances need be.

At this point, I’d tell the family you are out of ideas but will not be up for a sleepover for your nuclear family. You will be delighted to see them on Christmas morning.

She said she didn't want to see them Christmas morning in the OP. She wants to see them later in the day at another sibling's house.

Wonderful- then she says, we’ll be delighted to see you at X time in Christmas day.

[Anonymous]

Going to sibling house to host is odd with a dying DH and elderly parents. Wouldn't the logical thing be to have sibling over to GP's house and "host" there? They know where everything is since they have stayed there every year. Less stress for OP and family.

Who thinks it is a great idea to take very sick DH and sick/elderly ILs out?!?