Tinder for dead bedrooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the wife in this situation. I used to be attracted to DH, like 2x per day. Ever since we had children, I am just not into it. We have been having not great sex for the past decade.

I feel resentful for so many reasons. We have lost that emotional connection. I go from being slightly annoyed to repulsed. I never ever feel in love. The only times we have sex is when I’m half asleep so I’m too sleepy to object. I often feel like I’m on a bad date except we have 3 children together.

Most people will probably think DH is a great husband and father. There were a lot of guys I went on a date with who May seemed perfectly fine but there was no connection. When you are dating, you can part ways after a month or a year if you are not feeling it. One day, you get married and have a few kids and you are stuck with one another forever.

There are many moments I feel happy because of my children. I enjoy watching my kids play with their dad or when we laugh together and hang out. This does not translate into physical attraction to my husband.

DH comes from a divorced family and wants to stay married. I want to stay married for the kids.

OMG this is the saddest post ever. Have you considered counseling?

Why is it sad? Aren’t many people on here in sexless marriages?

We still have bad sex a few times a month. We have an intact family and our children are thriving.

You sound miserable, frankly. This is no way to live -- for you, forget about the family. You only have sex with him when you're half asleep? You feel mildly repulsed? No more in love feelings?

I'm 15 years in with kids also, of course you don't feel in love every minute of the day but every day? Yes. Without an emotional connection this would be hell.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

well a lot these things are chores. Picking up the kids, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, fixing the car etc. yes I love spending time with children but I don’t think I’m the only parent who sometimes find their 6 year old somewhat labor intensive as much as I like singing bob the builder for the 25th time in a row or picking playdoh out of the carpet. Both of us are constantly running around which isn’t a recipe for great intimacy. I just wish she would be willing to work on it with me. And yes she take more control than me. She gets anxious sometimes if I propose something or take initiative. Most of the time it’s easier for me to back down than to argue about it. That’s my character flaw and it doesn’t help sexual intimacy either I’m sure . Again that’s why we need help because I can’t fix this on my own.

But I do appreciate your advice thank you.

NP. What’s not clear to me is, if your wife told you what she needed would you work for her to have it or would you complain and fantasize about cheating on her and not do anything? If she needed more downtime, more household help, a week off, a weekly massage, whatever, would you make that happen? Because my impression is that she doesn’t think you will, so what is there to talk about.

if those things led to more intimacy sure but the truth if she asked for those things I’d do them anyway. I try to do a lot of that. I leave work early if she is too tired to pick up the kid on her day. She’s the one who gets to sleep in on weekends. I’m the one who mainly takes the kids to all their events. I’m not saying she doesn’t do a lot. She works extremely hard for our family. But I do too and right now it feels impossible for either of us to get much of a break. I know for a lot of guys sex is stress relief and women it’s hard to have sex without doing the relaxing first. But I don’t know when things will slow down. We will be 60 when the last kid leaves the house. Even when we try to set up special time for ourselves nothing happens. On Valentine’s Day my parents took the kids, we ordered fancy carry out, I gave her a bouquet of roses, shared a bottle of nice champagne, watched a sexy movie and then I gave her a massage. I tried to take things beyond that but nope she wasn’t interested. I get it she just can’t turn on and off desire even if we have a romantic evening but we’ve had sex four times in the last two years and I can’t stand it anymore. Some couples are fine with sexless marriages. I have learned that I’m not and I don’t feel guilty about fantasying about cheating even though I wouldn’t actually do it. She really needs to tell me what I should be doing differently but she won’t. The fact she won’t makes me think the worst.

If you're 43 now, does that mean that you have a one year old at home, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think has led to this, OP? Have either of you gained weight? Do you go on dates anymore? Do you both contribute to the household? Seems you should fix the root of the problem. Sure, lots of it is that women lose interest in a partner long-term, but most are willing to make an effort if they are still being treated like they are valued and desired.

she might have gained some during COVID but it’s hard to tell. Honestly we are stressed a lot of the time having two kids and working out a equitable division of labor. It takes a lot of work. We have gone on some dates. We had one on Saturday which was very nice. I really thought it would happen that night but nothing happened.

This sounds like the issue to me. She’s stressed and overworked and probably still feels like she is falling behind. She doesn’t feel beautiful or sexy.

Sounds like they are both stressed.

OP is a guy so sex is also stress relief. It just works different for women.

I think if she were to take a month or two off and really relax and reset, then this whole thing would look a lot different. The problem is that when you run on the hamster wheel that feeling that it's never enough and you're never enough is always lurking right around the corner.

BS that sex is a stress relief for guys and not for women.

Do you know a lot of guys that want to run home and have sex with their wives when they get a bad review at work and are threatened with getting fired? Or are on a tight deadline working overnights for a demanding boss?
Sex isn't a "stress relief" for anyone. You have to engage your parasympathetic nervous system to get aroused (the old "point and shoot"). OP just isn't as stressed about family life. He probably doesn't feel that it's *his* responsibility the way that his wife does. But if it were something that were

[Anonymous]

Low-libido people, we, your high-libido spouses, still love you. However, you have got to get it through your heads that condemning us to years of celibacy is not an acceptable solution to your problems with us. Perhaps, like my DH, you simply are not interested in having sex often, even if someone else is doing the bulk of the grunt work at home. If I chose to deal with the years of sexual deprivation by gambling or shopping us deeply into debt, no one would agree that this was a valid means of dealing with my frustration. Coerced sexlessness breaks down the partner and thus the family just as uncontrolled spending destroys the financial stability of the family.

Women who do not want sex need to do what our mothers and grandmothers were wise enough to do: put out or sign that hall pass without a mumble. No woman or man is worth decades without physical affection. People today think this is a reasonable sacrifice because they do much in the workplace and earn more money and have a higher standard of living generally. But y'all are all the way wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

Exactly. So unappealing, whiny, selfish, and just gross.

I think most women will be turned off from this loser.

ok I’m a loser . I know my wife doesn’t want me. I’m sure no one else would either.

Ok look I am not much use to you because I am on the west coast, have about 20 lbs of extra weight and some skin problems, and a couple years older, but I just wanted to say - please don’t get into this rut of thinking nobody will want you. They may not be the people YOU want though. I, for one, am turned on by your unabated desire. And I love Ralph Fiennes (at any age lol). So yeah.
As to your overall story.... you seem to not want to do anything really. Your only acceptable (to you!) option is talking your wife into therapy. The problem is - sexual quirks are very very hard to overcome. Even if you figure out why she isn’t attracted it means either a long recovery or divorce.
There are only two real solutions: an affair or divorce. I am divorced and while it’s stressful - it is not that bad. But I was clear I would rather give up material things than stay. My kid was 7 when it all started to a little easier I guess.
Also I would think how much emotional/prestige stuff you attach to sex. I think a large part of why you are feeling miserable is because you feel like you don’t have control over your desires or are a loser for not being able to satisfy them. I see this a lot with people who didn’t have many partners when they were young and they are now thinking oh I am missing out.
Anyway, good luck to you. I am sure things will start happening once you are more open to any kind of change.

[Anonymous]

I just had sex with somebody I met on tinder. We went to Cracker Barrel and straight to a hotel. She was married also. She wants nothing more than sex. She said we can skip dinner next time. I feel alive again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had sex with somebody I met on tinder. We went to Cracker Barrel and straight to a hotel. She was married also. She wants nothing more than sex. She said we can skip dinner next time. I feel alive again.

Awesome

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

As a married woman, this crap would just make me lose interest even more. I'd start getting my finances in order.

Ha! I was thinking that all of this would make most women even more resentful. The biggest complaint I hear from women about their husbands after having kids is: “It’s like his life didn’t change at all.”
Don’t pick up a new hobby, stop eating meals with your family so that you can “change your diet,” or spend weekends alone on mountain biking trails. This is only going to distance you more from your family life and make an affair seem more appealing.

If you are staying in this marriage because you want the house and the kids, then throw yourself into taking care of the house and kids. Be the dad who is out in the driveway playing basketball in his work clothes before he even goes inside. Spend your weekends actually hanging out with your kids, building stuff together, doing their kid stuff with them, and taking them with you when you do your own chores and errands. Spend some time improving and repairing your home. Your house and kids are the most important things in your life and the reason you are staying in a miserable marriage. Make those things exactly the way you want them.

that’s exactly what I do. We don’t really have
time for hobbies for the simple reason pretty much all our “free” time is spent with kids or doing various household chores. We are both very good parents who spend a lot of time and energy on the kids but honestly I think it would healthier over the long term if we both made time for outside interests and friends because before we know it the kids will be on their own.

Meh. You will have years that your kids won’t want to hang out with you at all before they actually leave the house. The time that they think it’s fun to learn how to change the oil on the car or to help put a snake into a clogged drain is fleeting. You will have plenty of time to hit the gym extra hard when they are old enough to join you or be off doing their own thing.

It strikes me that you put “free” time in quotes. You have literally said that being in your home and with children are the most important things in your life. This is the reason that you are going without sex. You would kill for them. And yet, you still think of spending time with them as a chore. I wonder if you have let your wife take too much control of your family life, and you are just performing tasks set before you. Maybe you need to change things up and make your home life suit you better. Your time at home should be your free time, not your “free” time.

well a lot these things are chores. Picking up the kids, doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning, fixing the car etc. yes I love spending time with children but I don’t think I’m the only parent who sometimes find their 6 year old somewhat labor intensive as much as I like singing bob the builder for the 25th time in a row or picking playdoh out of the carpet. Both of us are constantly running around which isn’t a recipe for great intimacy. I just wish she would be willing to work on it with me. And yes she take more control than me. She gets anxious sometimes if I propose something or take initiative. Most of the time it’s easier for me to back down than to argue about it. That’s my character flaw and it doesn’t help sexual intimacy either I’m sure . Again that’s why we need help because I can’t fix this on my own.

But I do appreciate your advice thank you.

NP. What’s not clear to me is, if your wife told you what she needed would you work for her to have it or would you complain and fantasize about cheating on her and not do anything? If she needed more downtime, more household help, a week off, a weekly massage, whatever, would you make that happen? Because my impression is that she doesn’t think you will, so what is there to talk about.

if those things led to more intimacy sure but the truth if she asked for those things I’d do them anyway. I try to do a lot of that. I leave work early if she is too tired to pick up the kid on her day. She’s the one who gets to sleep in on weekends. I’m the one who mainly takes the kids to all their events. I’m not saying she doesn’t do a lot. She works extremely hard for our family. But I do too and right now it feels impossible for either of us to get much of a break. I know for a lot of guys sex is stress relief and women it’s hard to have sex without doing the relaxing first. But I don’t know when things will slow down. We will be 60 when the last kid leaves the house. Even when we try to set up special time for ourselves nothing happens. On Valentine’s Day my parents took the kids, we ordered fancy carry out, I gave her a bouquet of roses, shared a bottle of nice champagne, watched a sexy movie and then I gave her a massage. I tried to take things beyond that but nope she wasn’t interested. I get it she just can’t turn on and off desire even if we have a romantic evening but we’ve had sex four times in the last two years and I can’t stand it anymore. Some couples are fine with sexless marriages. I have learned that I’m not and I don’t feel guilty about fantasying about cheating even though I wouldn’t actually do it. She really needs to tell me what I should be doing differently but she won’t. The fact she won’t makes me think the worst.

If you're 43 now, does that mean that you have a one year old at home, OP?

I just want to give you some hope if so, OP. It's not uncommon for women to be completely spent the first two years after having a kid, especially if there are older kids in the picture.

We were in your situation until our youngest was around 3 or 4, then it turned around and now we're back to every other day or so. I think if you have a lot of little kids then your wife is probably depleted from pregnancy and nursing, plus running around after toddlers and preschoolers. It's just a lot. Give it some time. Take stuff off her plate. She might want to do her bloodwork if she's exhausted and check for anemia or Vit D deficiency. It really does take time to build back up a libido after making a life or multiple lives in your bodies. The baby lives off of you for 2 years, by the time you factor nursing. Imagine if you had a giant parasite attached to you, how energetic you'd feel.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. I went from having sex a handful of times a year to doing it multiple times a week. I was exhausted with baby, preschooler, elementary schooler, work part time, house and just generally overwhelmed with life. I just wanted to be by myself in the evenings. Does your wife have any hobbies or can she go to regular fitness classes? She might need some alone time.

Another thing that helped were toys. Buy a toy and use it on your wife. More pleasure leads to wanting to do it more often. Just an idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in your shoes for about 6 years. Like the PP said, welcome to the party, this is a tale as old as time and there is a multi-billion dollar industry catering to this.

I have never used paid-professionals but I am not against it. I suppose I am attractive enough that I always find an AP the organic way, through work, conferences, etc.

One thing I have come to learn - married women really don't step out just for sex. The married women I have slept with all wanted sex but something much more. All of them (sample size 4) have ended up leaving their husbands (not for me, thankfully). The other women I found willing to sleep with married men are recently divorced women.

Sorry you are going through this.

Do you not feel at all bad for contributing to the breakdown of four marriages? Being an AP is not the same for a man as for a woman in emotion or consequences. As you say, most married women who do this are vulnerable to falling in love with or developing feelings for someone else. Once that has happened, they cannot go back to heir marriages with a big lie/secret and are left high and dry when the male AP decides to move on.

Interesting, I never thought of it that way since all four situations the women were the ones who made their interest in me known first. I wasn't the aggressor and I never, ever made a promise of love or forever. I just assumed they all were headed towards divorce anyway.

The married women are ofren the aggressors. They put themselves on Ashley Madison or throw themselves at men. Then they want to cry victim ? They are married. They often started it claiming they only wanted sex. Now they are crying they are ruined and can’t go back to their marriages, left “high and dry”?!!?! Cry me a frickin river, honey.

+1

[Anonymous]

Tl;dr Man wants to cheat on wife, gives reason why it’s justified, outsources guilty conscience onto anonymous board
Outcome: anonymous board approves, man sets up Tinder, feels too guilty to actually commit to plan, end evening resentfully masturbating like every other night FIN curtain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I went from having sex a handful of times a year to doing it multiple times a week. I was exhausted with baby, preschooler, elementary schooler, work part time, house and just generally overwhelmed with life. I just wanted to be by myself in the evenings. Does your wife have any hobbies or can she go to regular fitness classes? She might need some alone time.

Another thing that helped were toys. Buy a toy and use it on your wife. More pleasure leads to wanting to do it more often. Just an idea.

I understand that I’m just getting anxious that things will never slow down. As we get older I notice she finds new ways to keep herself busier and busier. Not with hobbies or friend but busy stuff - signing kids up for every activity possible so I spend weekends driving across the DMV, spending hours looking at Craigslist for pieces of used furniture we really don’t need, reorganizing our house every couple weeks. Some of this is fine but the pace is exhaustive. I mean we’ve got plenty on our plates already but she still seems to try to make sure every moment of our lives is booked above and beyond what is probably necessary. I would love if she would do something, anything out of the house: yoga, girls nights out, lectures whatever because I think it would help relax her but she isn’t interested. A couple years back she actually did buy toy. Of course I was thrilled because it meant she wanted to be proactive about intimacy. We used it and it was pretty good. A few days later She told me she was bothered that I seemed to enjoy our sex night too much much and that I made it last too long. She may have had a point but when you only do it twice a year you make every moment count. Anyway I felt humiliated and ashamed and it was the last time we ever used the toy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the wife in this situation. I used to be attracted to DH, like 2x per day. Ever since we had children, I am just not into it. We have been having not great sex for the past decade.

I feel resentful for so many reasons. We have lost that emotional connection. I go from being slightly annoyed to repulsed. I never ever feel in love. The only times we have sex is when I’m half asleep so I’m too sleepy to object. I often feel like I’m on a bad date except we have 3 children together.

Most people will probably think DH is a great husband and father. There were a lot of guys I went on a date with who May seemed perfectly fine but there was no connection. When you are dating, you can part ways after a month or a year if you are not feeling it. One day, you get married and have a few kids and you are stuck with one another forever.

There are many moments I feel happy because of my children. I enjoy watching my kids play with their dad or when we laugh together and hang out. This does not translate into physical attraction to my husband.

DH comes from a divorced family and wants to stay married. I want to stay married for the kids.

OMG this is the saddest post ever. Have you considered counseling?

Why is it sad? Aren’t many people on here in sexless marriages?

We still have bad sex a few times a month. We have an intact family and our children are thriving.

You sound miserable, frankly. This is no way to live -- for you, forget about the family. You only have sex with him when you're half asleep? You feel mildly repulsed? No more in love feelings?

I'm 15 years in with kids also, of course you don't feel in love every minute of the day but every day? Yes. Without an emotional connection this would be hell.

I probably made our situation seem worse than it really is. I was/am still currently mad at DH.

DH is handsome, fit, smart and successful. He can be charismatic when he wants and earns a seven figure income. we have sex a few times per month so not exactly sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tl;dr Man wants to cheat on wife, gives reason why it’s justified, outsources guilty conscience onto anonymous board
Outcome: anonymous board approves, man sets up Tinder, feels too guilty to actually commit to plan, end evening resentfully masturbating like every other night FIN curtain

I can’t even go through with browsing tinder but yes you are probably correct. I have had actual real life in person opportunities to stray in the recent past. I loved the attention and wanted to keep it going because it felt so great to feel attractive but I knew it would stop feeling good the moment I entered the stage of deceit and hurt so always backed off. I don’t regret it(unless I found out she was having an affair this whole time) but it is still frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I went from having sex a handful of times a year to doing it multiple times a week. I was exhausted with baby, preschooler, elementary schooler, work part time, house and just generally overwhelmed with life. I just wanted to be by myself in the evenings. Does your wife have any hobbies or can she go to regular fitness classes? She might need some alone time.

Another thing that helped were toys. Buy a toy and use it on your wife. More pleasure leads to wanting to do it more often. Just an idea.

I understand that I’m just getting anxious that things will never slow down. As we get older I notice she finds new ways to keep herself busier and busier. Not with hobbies or friend but busy stuff - signing kids up for every activity possible so I spend weekends driving across the DMV, spending hours looking at Craigslist for pieces of used furniture we really don’t need, reorganizing our house every couple weeks. Some of this is fine but the pace is exhaustive. I mean we’ve got plenty on our plates already but she still seems to try to make sure every moment of our lives is booked above and beyond what is probably necessary. I would love if she would do something, anything out of the house: yoga, girls nights out, lectures whatever because I think it would help relax her but she isn’t interested. A couple years back she actually did buy toy. Of course I was thrilled because it meant she wanted to be proactive about intimacy. We used it and it was pretty good. A few days later She told me she was bothered that I seemed to enjoy our sex night too much much and that I made it last too long. She may have had a point but when you only do it twice a year you make every moment count. Anyway I felt humiliated and ashamed and it was the last time we ever used the toy.

OK, so you do have very young kids.

I would put the question to her in a constructive way. Thinking about our priorities for the family, would you say the most urgent/important are 1) X, Y, and Z related to the kids' growth and development and 2) A, B, and C related to the home (i.e. decluttering, organization, etc.? I would help her knock those out. Make it a team effort. See if that puts you on her side. Write them down on a piece of paper with a timeline and show her when they are crossed out. Then sit down with her and tell her it was great working on those things, and you think it would be good together to look at the bigger picture of what the goals are for the family in the short term, 5 year, and 10 year horizon. It sounds to me like some of this activity is necessary and some may be anxiety about not knowing how to achieve the family goals, coupled with feeling responsible for setting the goals and doing that on her own. If you can put personal health and healthy marriage on there as well, and figure out with her how it works with the other priorities, that may help.

But please keep in mind that when the youngest is not even 5 yet the goalposts are constantly moving. Kids need a lot, developmentally speaking. She may not have any support in thinking that through and figuring out a strategy that makes best use of the family energy. I know that many women essentially carry all this around in their heads. When will we start solids? How will we potty train? So and so needs to learn their alphabet. The closet is a mess, I can't find anything and it's full of outgrown clothes so what should I do with them. Art supplies are everywhere -- what can I use to organize them? The kids need some toys, they are bored. This one is outgrowing their bed. If they're nightraining they need to get out of the crib. Or whatever. It's a constant, and I mean constant, stream of little things that niggle at your attention. Either you need to game plan together or you need to hire some help to take this off her plate. Professional organizer.

Re: sex she seems to have some anxiety there. In general it sounds like there's a lot of anxiety. But see what you can do to put yourself on her side, then maybe she'll start to take the steps she needs to get in a better place.