Tinder for dead bedrooms

[Anonymous]

OP, before you do anything you need to be brutally honest in assessing yourself with no grading on the curve regarding how attractive you are, fun to be around, sex appeal, career success, listening skills and every other quality that you will need to make it dating if you are single again (or for attracting an AP if you think you want to try that route).

[Anonymous]

“ Honestly she seems grossed out by my simple touch. ”

This is not healthy for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need a therapist what you really need as a coach.
I was in your shoes not long ago, our relationship might not have been as far gone as yours but I did some googling and found Jack Ito, he’s written a bunch of books and he offers online relationship coaching, I went to four sessions and it completely change my thinking. He almost gave me step-by-step instructions and I followed them to a T, within a month my wife’s attitude towards me had dramatically changed; five months later I actually bagged off sex because my back was sore from the night before.
During this time I made some real self improvements and developed some interest outside of my house that had nothing to do with my wife, if she asked I would enthusiastically share all about it but never asked her to join; I also started working out and she noticed.
All your therapist is doing is listening to you bellyache without offering any real solutions I bet. You get in touch with this guy and you’ll either turn it around or conclude your business with this woman but going on like this is doing nothing but destroying your self-worth. You sound like a good dude and I wish you luck.

Jack Ito relationship coach

Saw this on his website:

Marriage is best seen as a place to share your happiness rather than as a place to find your happiness. The first way makes you responsible for your own happiness. Then, you are more likely to do something about it and be more attractive in the process. The second way is passive. It expects your spouse to provide your happiness for you. That makes you unattractive.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, before you do anything you need to be brutally honest in assessing yourself with no grading on the curve regarding how attractive you are, fun to be around, sex appeal, career success, listening skills and every other quality that you will need to make it dating if you are single again (or for attracting an AP if you think you want to try that route).

I don't think it's fair to withhold sex all year because ones spouse isn't fun enough, successful enough, etc. She married into that. She either does her spousal duty, and oh yes, it IS a duty, or expect him to diwill. and find another woman who will.

[Anonymous]

divorce not diwill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in your shoes for about 6 years. Like the PP said, welcome to the party, this is a tale as old as time and there is a multi-billion dollar industry catering to this.

I have never used paid-professionals but I am not against it. I suppose I am attractive enough that I always find an AP the organic way, through work, conferences, etc.

One thing I have come to learn - married women really don't step out just for sex. The married women I have slept with all wanted sex but something much more. All of them (sample size 4) have ended up leaving their husbands (not for me, thankfully). The other women I found willing to sleep with married men are recently divorced women.

Sorry you are going through this.

+1

[Anonymous]

The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, before you do anything you need to be brutally honest in assessing yourself with no grading on the curve regarding how attractive you are, fun to be around, sex appeal, career success, listening skills and every other quality that you will need to make it dating if you are single again (or for attracting an AP if you think you want to try that route).

look On paper I’d probably do fine in the singles market. I’m tall, been compared to a young Ralph Fiennes and enjoy a respected professional career. Women still flirt with me. I’m also a great dad. But who cares if other women are attracted to me because the only who matters isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, before you do anything you need to be brutally honest in assessing yourself with no grading on the curve regarding how attractive you are, fun to be around, sex appeal, career success, listening skills and every other quality that you will need to make it dating if you are single again (or for attracting an AP if you think you want to try that route).

look On paper I’d probably do fine in the singles market. I’m tall, been compared to a young Ralph Fiennes and enjoy a respected professional career. Women still flirt with me. I’m also a great dad. But who cares if other women are attracted to me because the only who matters isn’t?

You would do well with the males.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most appealing part of this pitch to your wife will be how you desperately want to have more sex, but anyone will do.

that pitch comes after desperately begging her to talk to a counselor with me and take this issue seriously.she won’t

You can’t talk to someone to get them to be attracted to you, the only way is for you to become attractive to her.
Think about when you were dating, you were this new shiny person who knew all sorts of stuff that she maybe didn’t, you were intriguing to her and she wanted to know more. When you we’re dating she was also a little bit insecure, she needed to keep your attention, that insecurity fires off a willingness to please that I’m sure you’ll agree is now missing.

Right now she knows everything about you and probably what you’re going to say before you even say it, your subtle or not so subtle words and actions regarding feeling lonely and unloved are only making you more repellent to her. You need to withdraw affection completely, if she seeks it out certainly give it to her but stop before you think she’s had enough, if she likes a 30 second hug you do it for 15 and move on to something else, don’t be cruel and don’t be mean just be a little bit more businesslike. At the same time you’re going to find some cool stuff to get into that has nothing to do with your wife or family, take a class, buy a mountain bike, get yourself a kayak – whatever. You say your weight is in check but start changing your diet, start working out really really hard; you will be building muscle but at the same time you will be burning off all of that hurt that you’re feeling and it will convert into something positive.
It might take a while but she’s going to notice what’s going on here, you can’t ask her to acknowledge your changes and when she does comment on them just shrug it off without searching for reassurance or compliments.
After a while you will stop thinking the way you are and her withdrawal from you will be less upsetting, once these things start to fall into place your wife may find her way back to wanting you.
But maybe she won’t, either way you are making yourself better and happier for the next chapter if there needs to be one.

One last thing and this is really important:
Stop talking about your relationship with her, not a word. Don’t ask her to go to therapy again.
You can’t build a relationship by talking about a relationship; it would probably be helpful for you to think of your relationship as being completely over and you are now embarking on a brand new one. When you first got together all you did was have fun, you each loved your lives individually and then came together and it was even better, you need to crank the clock back and do that same stuff again, go have a great fun life without her, you may spark something in her to do the same and then you are both on the road back.

Stop talking about the relationship!

[Anonymous]

Check out Seeking Arrangements. For little (or no) money you can have a discreet girlfriend who likes sex as much as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:43 y/o male. Wife and I have sex at most twice a year and it’s clear she isn’t into it. Honestly she seems grossed out by my simple touch. She really does
Doesn’t see the issue and won’t talk to counselor. She has told me I should jerk off more of it bothers me. I want to work on it but if she refuses to talk to a professional or even admit there is an issue what can I do? I’m starved for physical affection and it’s bothering more every day. I even googled chemical castration once because my libido was making me so unhappy.

I know people say I should get a divorce. But divorce means sleeping in a different house than my kids, screwing up my finances and moving into a crappy apartment. Plus I’ve got the good job. She would be in a tough spot without me. It feels like a giant punishment for having some normal human desires.


I see enough women on here who have the same problem. It seems like there should be a place where sex starved spouses can met to get some relief. I would kill for just actually getting to touch someone at this point.

Yes I know it’s a bad option but in my situation they are all has options.

How old are your kids?

How long has this been going on? Was your relationship different in the beginning?

[Anonymous]

What do you think has led to this, OP? Have either of you gained weight? Do you go on dates anymore? Do you both contribute to the household? Seems you should fix the root of the problem. Sure, lots of it is that women lose interest in a partner long-term, but most are willing to make an effort if they are still being treated like they are valued and desired.