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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree with the PP. I went from having sex a handful of times a year to doing it multiple times a week. I was exhausted with baby, preschooler, elementary schooler, work part time, house and just generally overwhelmed with life. I just wanted to be by myself in the evenings.  Does your wife have any hobbies or can she go to regular fitness classes? She might need some alone time.

Another thing that helped were toys. Buy a toy and use it on your wife. More pleasure leads to wanting to do it more often. Just an idea. [/quote] I understand that I’m just getting anxious that things will never slow down. As we get older I notice she finds new ways to keep herself busier and busier. Not with hobbies or friend but busy stuff - signing kids up for every activity possible so I spend weekends driving across the DMV, spending hours looking at Craigslist for pieces of used furniture we really don’t need, reorganizing our house every couple weeks. Some of this is  fine but the pace is exhaustive.  I mean we’ve got plenty on our plates already but she still seems to try to make sure every moment of our lives is booked above and beyond what is probably necessary.  I would love if she would do something, anything out of the house: yoga, girls nights out, lectures whatever because I think it would help relax her but she isn’t interested. A couple years back she actually did buy toy. Of course I was thrilled because it meant she wanted to be proactive about intimacy. We used it and it was pretty good. A few days later She told me she was bothered that I seemed to enjoy our sex night too much much and that I made it last too long.  She may have had a point but when you only do it twice a year you make every moment count. Anyway I felt humiliated and ashamed and it was the last time we ever used the toy.[/quote]

OK, so you do have very young kids.

I would put the question to her in a constructive way. Thinking about our priorities for the family, would you say the most urgent/important are 1) X, Y, and Z related to the kids' growth and development and 2) A, B, and C related to the home (i.e. decluttering, organization, etc.? I would help her knock those out. Make it a team effort. See if that puts you on her side. Write them down on a piece of paper with a timeline and show her when they are crossed out. Then sit down with her and tell her it was great working on those things, and you think it would be good together to look at the bigger picture of what the goals are for the family in the short term, 5 year, and 10 year horizon. It sounds to me like some of this activity is necessary and some may be anxiety about not knowing how to achieve the family goals, coupled with feeling responsible for setting the goals and doing that on her own. If you can put personal health and healthy marriage on there as well, and figure out with her how it works with the other priorities, that may help.

But please keep in mind that when the youngest is not even 5 yet the goalposts are constantly moving. Kids need a lot, developmentally speaking. She may not have any support in thinking that through and figuring out a strategy that makes best use of the family energy. I know that many women essentially carry all this around in their heads. When will we start solids? How will we potty train? So and so needs to learn their alphabet. The closet is a mess, I can't find anything and it's full of outgrown clothes so what should I do with them. Art supplies are everywhere -- what can I use to organize them? The kids need some toys, they are bored. This one is outgrowing their bed. If they're nightraining they need to get out of the crib. Or whatever. It's a constant, and I mean constant, stream of little things that niggle at your attention. Either you need to game plan together or you need to hire some help to take this off her plate. Professional organizer.

Re: sex she seems to have some anxiety there. In general it sounds like there's a lot of anxiety. But see what you can do to put yourself on her side, then maybe she'll start to take the steps she needs to get in a better place.

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