Going no screens on a vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation. This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact. He will go away knowing that she is unhappy. He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt. Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him? Go behind her back and call mom anyway? Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation. I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes. No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks. A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son. The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation. The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone. There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected. Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point. The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him. One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him. These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that. This is enmeshment. This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life. That is not healthy. It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son. He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation. This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact. He will go away knowing that she is unhappy. He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt. Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him? Go behind her back and call mom anyway? Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation. I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes. No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks. A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son. The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation. The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone. There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected. Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point. The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him. One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him. These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that. This is enmeshment. This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life. That is not healthy. It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son. He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.

PP here and I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence. In some sense, it is he point I have been trying to make.

But it is at odds with your first paragraph, which to me seems to be saying that he should not be accountable to, or feel the impacts of, his own actions. Assuming it was his own choice, or a choice made jointly, he should have no problem explaining it to the person who is impacted- and to be able to hear that impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation. This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact. He will go away knowing that she is unhappy. He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt. Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him? Go behind her back and call mom anyway? Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation. I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes. No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks. A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son. The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation. The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone. There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected. Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point. The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him. One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him. These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that. This is enmeshment. This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life. That is not healthy. It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son. He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.

I'm the PP who said that MIL expressing her feelings is a form of manipulation in this case and I just came wanted to personally reply to you and let you know you put this in words better than I ever could. 👏👏👏Three cheers for you !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation. This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact. He will go away knowing that she is unhappy. He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt. Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him? Go behind her back and call mom anyway? Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation. I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes. No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks. A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son. The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation. The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone. There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected. Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point. The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him. One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him. These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that. This is enmeshment. This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life. That is not healthy. It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son. He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.

NP. I think your 2nd to last paragraph is a making a ton of assumptions that aren't necessarily fair to make. We have no idea because the OP didn't say. Does the son call his mom everyday because he has too or maybe it's his mom calling him everyday and he rolls his eyes each time she calls but he doesn't want to ignore her. I'm not sure why you are making the assumption that he is going to call his mom behind his wife's back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

DIL said this when THEY WERE ALL AT MIL'S HOUSE!!!!! It's not like there was some sort of phone call from DIL to MIL and the son/husband was excluded.

From the OP:

His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day

[Anonymous]

You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

Not really people are so plugged in normally that when you go away, being able to unplug completely is actually really refreshing. I have found the holidays that I come back from where it was no screens were the ones people generally tell me I look really refreshed.

If you have screens on vacation you still have all that stuff with you. Even other things like the news is readily available. Its not really relaxing to be in touch. Having 2 weeks to enjoy yourselves is really good not only for the soul but to just relax and unwind together. I've had holidays where the rest of the world could be at war and I wouldn't even know, especially if you are in nature, its really divine. Its also fun to come back and share that rather than living moment to moment telling everyone straight away what's happening but rather to simply enjoy the moment and relish it. We've done it and our relationship was not floundering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation. This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact. He will go away knowing that she is unhappy. He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt. Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him? Go behind her back and call mom anyway? Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation. I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes. No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks. A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son. The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation. The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone. There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected. Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point. The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him. One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him. These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that. This is enmeshment. This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life. That is not healthy. It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son. He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.

PP here and I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence. In some sense, it is he point I have been trying to make.

But it is at odds with your first paragraph, which to me seems to be saying that he should not be accountable to, or feel the impacts of, his own actions. Assuming it was his own choice, or a choice made jointly, he should have no problem explaining it to the person who is impacted- and to be able to hear that impact.

OMG, I cannot believe people are actually responding that a grown adult man needs to be held “accountable” for going on vacation without planning to call his likely 60+ year old Mommy.

It’s like The Twilight Zone.

[Anonymous]

Two, or even three, things can be true at the same time:

1. Taking a “no outside contact” vacation is good and healthy for individuals and relationships.
2. The person who is accustomed to daily contact and will not be getting it can have a hard time with that.
3. A mother can want to talk directly to her son (that she is accustomed to talking to one-on-one daily) to understand the decison. And to hopefully hear from him why it is important and why she shouldn’t worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two, or even three, things can be true at the same time:

1. Taking a “no outside contact” vacation is good and healthy for individuals and relationships.
2. The person who is accustomed to daily contact and will not be getting it can have a hard time with that.
3. A mother can want to talk directly to her son (that she is accustomed to talking to one-on-one daily) to understand the decison. And to hopefully hear from him why it is important and why she shouldn’t worry.

#3 is the only point I disagree with. Again it goes back to why does a married couple owe MIL an explanation as to why? DIL already stated that they are doing no screen times for both sides of the family and friends for 2 weeks. The son and his wife is an adult who can make decisions for themselves without them needing to run it by mommy or giving mommy an explanation for it. They don't owe her a why. Again them being a married couple who makes decisions for themselves and all.

Isn't the bigger concern here that mother can't let her son breathe and go 2 weeks without talking to him clearly there are enmeshment issues on mom's end here. What is their to worry about? Again we are assuming son doesn't have any major health issues at play as I'm sure OP would have mentioned that in her original post.

I understand MIL is used to daily contact with her son but that doesn't mean they are out of line for setting the boundaries now. MIL just has to deal with their decision and get over it. Their relationship as a married couple comes before the mother/son relationship.

I'm baffled that some people on here thinks the mother is entitled to her son justifying their decision to her or to in a sense get her permission or that she is even an owed an explanation in the first place.

For a normal health mother/son relationship the correct response and normal response should and would be ok guys I will miss talking to you son but I understand that you guys want to connect as a married couple without interruptions but I can't wait to hear all about your trip when you get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

NP. I agree with the PP who stated what would that accomplish by MIL telling her son her feelings in this particular case? Ultimately isn't expressing your feelings to someone trying to get them to change what they do?

If you tell a friend hey it bothers me when you do x,y, and z isn't your end goal to get that friend to stop doing x,y, and z? So if MIL says son it bothers me that you are going 2 weeks screen free whole on vacation isn't the end goal to make him change the rule?

By your logic, when is is OK, and not manipulation, to express your feelings about a choice someone has made?

And I disagree with the premise. I express my feelings so that the other party knows the impact of their actions and potentially changes aspects of them, but also so they have the opportunity to explain so I can understand them better and resolve the feelings I have...

I think by the MIL expressing her uneasiness about no screen time while they are away and telling him that she would like to check in a couple of times a week is manipulation. This isn't expressing her feelings, it is placing guilt on her son about not having contact. He will go away knowing that she is unhappy. He will go away knowing that for two weeks she will be uneasy and hurt. Where does that leave him, go against the wife who needs to unplug with him? Go behind her back and call mom anyway? Or spend moments in his holiday worrying.

Wouldn't it be kinder of OP to deal with her adult emotions herself rather than kneeling on her son to help her with her emotions and let them go guilt free to enjoy their vacation. I see it as being selfish to not simply say 'have a great time, see you in two weeks, can't wait to hear all about it'. Then OP can go cry for two weeks if she wants. To place her needs above others in a situation as simple as this speaks volumes. No one is sick, no one is injured, it is simply two weeks. A vacation, something to be happy about.

At what point do you acknowledge your own flaws if you can't deal with your own emotions as an adult.

Others have said what is the problem with her talking to her son. The problem is that in a relationship like this one the closeness comes with a ton of guilt and manipulation. The son likely cannot speak up for himself, he likely doesn't have a back bone. There are no problems with other family and friends not talking to them for two weeks, that is normal relationship behaviour to be able to put a boundary in place if you need it and have that boundary respected. Its not normal to push against the boundary and not respect the other person.

I will go so far as to say this MIL won't have to worry about, I would bet her son will call her at some point. The DIL will eventually lose attraction for him and will eventually be repulsed by him. One day he will come to DCUM about his sexless marriage and how his wife is distracted and shut off in the marriage and how she no longer wants to vacation with him. These situations are so predictable.

It's lovely to have a good mother/son relationship but this is not that. This is enmeshment. This mother cannot go a day without speaking personally to her son, no matter what is happening in HIS life. That is not healthy. It is not close, it is actually controlling and harmful to the son. He should be able to speak up to his mother, the message should have been able to come from him, the fact that he couldn't do it says a lot.

PP here and I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence. In some sense, it is he point I have been trying to make.

But it is at odds with your first paragraph, which to me seems to be saying that he should not be accountable to, or feel the impacts of, his own actions. Assuming it was his own choice, or a choice made jointly, he should have no problem explaining it to the person who is impacted- and to be able to hear that impact.

OMG, I cannot believe people are actually responding that a grown adult man needs to be held “accountable” for going on vacation without planning to call his likely 60+ year old Mommy.

It’s like The Twilight Zone.

+1000. Yes I'm so shocked by all the posters saying that essentially mommy is owed an explanation into the decision of their marriage. Where do you draw the line? What if they buy a house in the future and mommy has an opinion on that will this married couple owe it to her to justify why they came to that decision to buy that particular house?? This sets a bad precedent in the marriage and allows the idea that the son has to run their decisions are as a married couple by his mom. Why is she owed an explanation? That allows mom to be the third person in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two, or even three, things can be true at the same time:

1. Taking a “no outside contact” vacation is good and healthy for individuals and relationships.
2. The person who is accustomed to daily contact and will not be getting it can have a hard time with that.
3. A mother can want to talk directly to her son (that she is accustomed to talking to one-on-one daily) to understand the decison. And to hopefully hear from him why it is important and why she shouldn’t worry.

#3 is the only point I disagree with. Again it goes back to why does a married couple owe MIL an explanation as to why? DIL already stated that they are doing no screen times for both sides of the family and friends for 2 weeks. The son and his wife is an adult who can make decisions for themselves without them needing to run it by mommy or giving mommy an explanation for it. They don't owe her a why. Again them being a married couple who makes decisions for themselves and all.

Isn't the bigger concern here that mother can't let her son breathe and go 2 weeks without talking to him clearly there are enmeshment issues on mom's end here. What is their to worry about? Again we are assuming son doesn't have any major health issues at play as I'm sure OP would have mentioned that in her original post.

I understand MIL is used to daily contact with her son but that doesn't mean they are out of line for setting the boundaries now. MIL just has to deal with their decision and get over it. Their relationship as a married couple comes before the mother/son relationship.

I'm baffled that some people on here thinks the mother is entitled to her son justifying their decision to her or to in a sense get her permission or that she is even an owed an explanation in the first place.

For a normal health mother/son relationship the correct response and normal response should and would be ok guys I will miss talking to you son but I understand that you guys want to connect as a married couple without interruptions but I can't wait to hear all about your trip when you get back.

This response seems like I blur two of the three things. I didn’t at all imply that the couple is “out of line” for the no contact plan. In fact, I affirmed it.

What I said was that a mother can want a conversation with her son to understand it better. I agree of course that if push came to shove the son should “choose” his wife. But that is not the situation. The situation is one in which this man has had an obviously very “enmeshed” relationship with his mother for a long time. They have, and are not necessarily wrong to have, an independent relationship. In my mind, the fact that a person is married does not mean they have no distinct relationships or agency. The man can have a conversation with his mother to assuage her concerns (whether warranted or not) without backing down or betraying the marriage.