Feel like my boyfriend has poor emotional regulation

[Anonymous]

I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me. For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls. When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc? We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

[Anonymous]

You need to think seriously about whether you can live with this behavior for the rest of your life. Changing or working on himself will be completely dependent upon him. He might have a phase of life years from now when he wants to change but that could be a long time from now. The truth is that you really don’t know and won’t have control over it. If you want to have kids, this is also concerning because this isn’t appropriate behavior around children. I’m assuming you are both young. You have plenty of time to find a partner without these problems. I would pursue that option if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Also, you don’t have poor emotional regulation because you don’t want to be around this behavior. It’s normal to not want live with someone who throws things, shouts, and punches walls. That is scary even if it isn’t directed at you.

[Anonymous]

Life tends to get more stressful as it gets more complicated - mortgages, careers, kids. Possibly special needs kids. I'd assume he will stay exactly like this or worse.

Hard pass, OP.

Get yourself into Coda.org to figure out why you got so hooked on some "potential" you saw in this guy.

DO NOT bring kids into this relationship, double up on the bc until you break up.

[Anonymous]

I think it does sound like he has poor emotional regulation but also, if he grew up in an environment where yelling was seen as an acceptable way to express anger, that's learned too. I don't think raising your voice, ranting, or tears are fun to be around, but they're also common ways people expressed frustration in my family of origin, so they just don't stress me out that much unless they're directed AT me personally.

Throwing stuff, punching walls, or straight up screaming AT you cross the line, for me. If this is how he handles conflict with you, that's not productive either. I'd tell him those are things he has to get under control or it's a deal-breaker. For me, it helped a lot to recognize my own over the top reactions as rooted in anxiety and try to do a DBT workbook I found online to see the patterns and learn to handle it better.

But I don't think telling another adult they must ALWAYS speak in a calm and quiet tone, can't ever vent/rant, and can't cry around you is reasonable. If you want to have a future together, you have to see his emotions as valid too, even if they are uncomfortable to hear or see.

[Anonymous]

Today he is throwing things and punching walls. Tomorrow he will throw YOU and punch YOU.
Are you that naive? Are you blind?
Why don't women run away when they see red flags?
Is it about sex? Is he giving you good sex and that's why stay with him? that's why you put up his brutal and abusive behavior?
You'll only have yourself to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it does sound like he has poor emotional regulation but also, if he grew up in an environment where yelling was seen as an acceptable way to express anger, that's learned too. I don't think raising your voice, ranting, or tears are fun to be around, but they're also common ways people expressed frustration in my family of origin, so they just don't stress me out that much unless they're directed AT me personally.

Throwing stuff, punching walls, or straight up screaming AT you cross the line, for me. If this is how he handles conflict with you, that's not productive either. I'd tell him those are things he has to get under control or it's a deal-breaker. For me, it helped a lot to recognize my own over the top reactions as rooted in anxiety and try to do a DBT workbook I found online to see the patterns and learn to handle it better.

But I don't think telling another adult they must ALWAYS speak in a calm and quiet tone, can't ever vent/rant, and can't cry around you is reasonable. If you want to have a future together, you have to see his emotions as valid too, even if they are uncomfortable to hear or see.

PS I'll note in terms of my upbringing that autism and ADHD run rampant in my family, diagnosed in the 80s/90s when they were less common, so yeah emotional dysregulation was a fact of life and my line may be different than yours. Please don't be insulting about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, you don’t have poor emotional regulation because you don’t want to be around this behavior. It’s normal to not want live with someone who throws things, shouts, and punches walls. That is scary even if it isn’t directed at you.

Eventually it may well be directed at OP, at kids, or at pets.

OP, break up and get into group therapy, it was more helpful for me to unpack the patterns that kept me hooked on potential in men rather than seeing them as they are, more helpful than individual therapy. When you hear the thought patterns of others it can give a lot of insight into your own. Your background is somehow making you see this as ok. It's not. Say you got pregnant, could you HONESTLY tell a baby this is the most mature, nurturing, kind and safe father you could find for him/her? The one who could put the needs of others first?

Get out, OP. And take a break from dating for at least a year to sort yourself out.

[Anonymous]

He’s an abusive a**hole. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Break up and move on. This is insane. And please get a therapist to figure out why you have been putting up with this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think him yelling and throwing things is abuse or gaslighting. I don’t like the punching the wall thing.

Op did not say any of this was projected towards her. If it is projected to her, it is abuse.

It sounds like his emotional regulation is not great, but as other people noted, some families deal with anger and frustration through raised voices. It may be jarring to people outside those families. Tv goes out on game day? Some people are going to raise their voices and yell some pissed off swear words.

But that’s super different than yelling swear words at op.

I wouldn’t like to be with someone who yells, and op sounds like she doesn’t either. So probably should move on. But don’t go around painting him as abusive or even worse, a gaslighter. Because he’s not those things (assuming again that his anger is not directed at op).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me. For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls. When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc? We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

Emotional regulation is a term educators use to euphemize poorly behaved children. We also use this term in IEP language with regard to pupils with ASD.
My guess here is the latter- both you and he are on the spectrum.
So, no, it's not normal to throw tantrums like that at 25 ( not really normal after age 5) and it's not normal for you to continue to wonder if this is normal and if he will "grow out of it. " No, this isn't something one grows out of unless the person, yes, is age 5. It's also not normal for you to think remaining in this relationship and thinking about marriage because this speaks more to your devastatingly poor self esteem, confidence, and, sadly, your own maturity.
Show him the door, then let's get you into some therapy to determine how this happened in the first place. You are young- yes, there will be someone for you later when you get yourself organized. You don't need to latch on to less than because of your own unresolved issues. Don't set yourself up for life in this dysfunctional way.

[Anonymous]

While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me. For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls. When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc? We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

Have you talked to him about this? Has he ever acknowledged it, and apologized?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me. For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls. When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc? We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

1) What you describe are behaviors most people outgrow by the time they are 5 or 6 years old. If someone is still doing it at 25 there is no reason to expect it to improve on it's own. In fact, as life becomes more stressful you can expect it to get worse. Yes, people do this, but it's not healthy or normal. It's also terrible to expose kids to it, if you are considering having kids.

2) You know it's wrong, because your body is screaming at you every time he does it. However, it sounds like maybe something in your background (toxic parents?) is causing you to think you should override this reaction and make excuses for him.

Personally, I would end or pause the relationship, and seek counseling to talk more about why you've been tolerating this. If you can't bring yourself to end the relationship, just do the counseling part. Do not get married.