Feel like my boyfriend has poor emotional regulation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't need to be your boyfriend. You are entitled to choose someone who doesn't do this.

"But you love him" is no excuse. Do better.

Do alcoholic, druggy, loser, criminal, scammer, unemployed, bankrupt, gambler, creep, cheater, abuser? If he is a good person with one flaw, its not necessarily a deal breaker. You need to help him work on it and also analyze and improve your personality issues related to your upbringing.

What? It isn't OP's job or responsibility to fix this man. Yes, his behavior is a perfectly valid deal-breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

How do you express those emotions to your boss at work? How would you advise your third grader to express those emotions at school? How about to a cashier at a checkout line? Or in a tense conversation with elderly parents?

How come a man can't show a woman at least that minimum of respect?

So if a woman cries or rants or raises her voiceat home, she is not showing the minimum of respect? That those are signs of disrespect and shouldn't be tolerated? Based on that view most of the posters on this board aren't capable of showing even the minimum of respect.

From the OP: "I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger.

As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. That doesn't mean we are better people than ones who can express anger because we might be channeling our anger in a seemingly polite passive-aggressive manner. Both types need to learn to express our emotions and use communication skills to solve our problems.

No we aren’t.

Anger is normal and I’ve seen my parents and grandparents get angry. Getting ripped off, terrible luck, at bad drivers, someone’s consistently bad grades.

But no one ever felt unsafe or attacked.

No walls got punched in. No plates got thrown.

No one shouted and raged and paced with the house for hours.

And certainly not on the regular.

[Anonymous]

This must be a troll thread.

Jeff should look in to who pasted the OP and who keeps baiting all the blockhead one-sided “anger is fine” krap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't need to be your boyfriend. You are entitled to choose someone who doesn't do this.

"But you love him" is no excuse. Do better.

Do alcoholic, druggy, loser, criminal, scammer, unemployed, bankrupt, gambler, creep, cheater, abuser? If he is a good person with one flaw, its not necessarily a deal breaker. You need to help him work on it and also analyze and improve your personality issues related to your upbringing.

What? It isn't OP's job or responsibility to fix this man. Yes, his behavior is a perfectly valid deal-breaker.

No kidding.

Unf you were responding to a troll

[Anonymous]

@OP How long you've known him? Why do you love him? What are his good and bad qualities? Is he anxious or has ADHD? Do you have anxiety issues? What are the reasons of arguments? Is this relationship long and strong enough to go through premarital counseling? What sort of toxic relationship your parents had? Are they divorced? Did you work through your trauma? This forum doesn't know enough to play psychologist here.

However, efforts to resolve are only reasonable if you love him and feel frustrated but safe, if you feel physical danger then break up, no need to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger.

As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. That doesn't mean we are better people than ones who can express anger because we might be channeling our anger in a seemingly polite passive-aggressive manner. Both types need to learn to express our emotions and use communication skills to solve our problems.

No we aren’t.

Anger is normal and I’ve seen my parents and grandparents get angry. Getting ripped off, terrible luck, at bad drivers, someone’s consistently bad grades.

But no one ever felt unsafe or attacked.

No walls got punched in. No plates got thrown.

No one shouted and raged and paced with the house for hours.

And certainly not on the regular.

How did your grandparents express that anger without ranting or raising their voice? We have a lot of people saying some emotion in a male partner is okay but no examples of how it can be expressed in a healthy or acceptable way. OP is likely to have future male partners who will experience normal human emotions. She knows that tears or rants or raising voice or throwing things or punching walls are all abusive, disrespectful, and dysregulated behaviour but what is the list of acceptable / healthy ways to express frusrration or stress or anger? No one seems to be able to identify any for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger.

As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. That doesn't mean we are better people than ones who can express anger because we might be channeling our anger in a seemingly polite passive-aggressive manner. Both types need to learn to express our emotions and use communication skills to solve our problems.

No we aren’t.

Anger is normal and I’ve seen my parents and grandparents get angry. Getting ripped off, terrible luck, at bad drivers, someone’s consistently bad grades.

But no one ever felt unsafe or attacked.

No walls got punched in. No plates got thrown.

No one shouted and raged and paced with the house for hours.

And certainly not on the regular.

How did your grandparents express that anger without ranting or raising their voice? We have a lot of people saying some emotion in a male partner is okay but no examples of how it can be expressed in a healthy or acceptable way. OP is likely to have future male partners who will experience normal human emotions. She knows that tears or rants or raising voice or throwing things or punching walls are all abusive, disrespectful, and dysregulated behaviour but what is the list of acceptable / healthy ways to express frusrration or stress or anger? No one seems to be able to identify any for her.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do come from a family where voices are raised in anger/frustration, so I don't think that's necessarily a deal breaker in and of itself. Here's what's different in my family:

--Nobody is yelling on a regular basis.
--Nobody goes on long rants or rages
--Everybody recognizes that the yeller has lost their cool--including the yeller. The yeller apologizes afterwards.
--Nobody ever hits or throws anything. EVER.

The situation you describe sounds absolutely unacceptable even to me, a person who is not uncomfortable with a little yelling. This is a dangerous loss of control, and PPs are right that behavior like this very often escalates. This is not safe for you OP. You need to get out.

But I will also add, no one is obliged to be comfortable with yelling. Even if your boyfriend only lost his cool for brief periods and never hit anything and apologized afterward, IT IS OKAY FOR THAT TO BE UNACCEPTABLE FOR YOU. You get to decide how you want to be treated. You are under no obligation to accept this. And I would urge you to steer clear of any relationship that feel uncomfortable for you. I think therapy to figure out why you are so willing to accept a situation that feels so toxic for you would be a really good idea.

I'll say it again: please get out OP. This is dangerous.

This.

Get out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

How do you express those emotions to your boss at work? How would you advise your third grader to express those emotions at school? How about to a cashier at a checkout line? Or in a tense conversation with elderly parents?

How come a man can't show a woman at least that minimum of respect?

Great question for those “men” who save it up and let it all out at home on a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

Of course you can intellectualize it and and discuss it calmly but the idea that actually expressing any emotion is unhealthy isn’t something I agree with.

As I said I am sure people posting have cried or raised their voices or ranted. I am sure people on here have felt and actually expressed emotion - and not just calmly discussed the emotion without any expression. Do I think he is an awful human for doing those things. No I don’t.

I think the idea that expressing emotion is wrong in a man and there are no acceptable ways for a man to express emotion is what leads to people throwing things and punching walls. If there is no acceptable way to express negative emotion then no matter what he does is bad.

No one said any of that here except you.

No one believes that.

What subculture in America believes and demonstrates that claim?

Where are YOU seeing this play out? Have you seen it first hand or is this some social/mass media theory you are applying to everyone?

Great questions for the Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger.

As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. That doesn't mean we are better people than ones who can express anger because we might be channeling our anger in a seemingly polite passive-aggressive manner. Both types need to learn to express our emotions and use communication skills to solve our problems.

No we aren’t.

Anger is normal and I’ve seen my parents and grandparents get angry. Getting ripped off, terrible luck, at bad drivers, someone’s consistently bad grades.

But no one ever felt unsafe or attacked.

No walls got punched in. No plates got thrown.

No one shouted and raged and paced with the house for hours.

And certainly not on the regular.

How did your grandparents express that anger without ranting or raising their voice? We have a lot of people saying some emotion in a male partner is okay but no examples of how it can be expressed in a healthy or acceptable way. OP is likely to have future male partners who will experience normal human emotions. She knows that tears or rants or raising voice or throwing things or punching walls are all abusive, disrespectful, and dysregulated behaviour but what is the list of acceptable / healthy ways to express frusrration or stress or anger? No one seems to be able to identify any for her.

Dude, wake up.

The entire post is way beyond raising one’s voice occasionally when occasionally angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

Of course you can intellectualize it and and discuss it calmly but the idea that actually expressing any emotion is unhealthy isn’t something I agree with.

As I said I am sure people posting have cried or raised their voices or ranted. I am sure people on here have felt and actually expressed emotion - and not just calmly discussed the emotion without any expression. Do I think he is an awful human for doing those things. No I don’t. I think the idea that expressing emotion is wrong in a man and there are no acceptable ways for a man to express emotion is what leads to people throwing things and punching walls. If there is no acceptable way to express negative emotion then no matter what he does is bad.

You aren’t making any points here Pp.

We all agree you should express, not bottle up, your emotions. Including men.

What you seem to never be acknowledging in your many repetitive posts is that there ARE indeed abusive ways of expressing emotions around others. And if you don’t check yourself, or apologize, or improve after continually “losing it,” you have a major emotional dysregulation problem.

You do believe that, right Pp?
Society certainly does. That’s why there is religion, laws and a judicial system.

Agree, that poster is really fixated and should start her own thread. Not that she’ll like or agree with any responses

[Anonymous]

Bottom line : If you two can't handle tough situations without anger and shutdown, move on.