Feel like my boyfriend has poor emotional regulation

[Anonymous]

Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. That doesn't mean we are better people than ones who can express anger because we might be channeling our anger in a seemingly polite passive-aggressive manner. Both types need to learn to express our emotions and use communication skills to solve our problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

What? Not a good answer here.

Um yeah this is wild. This behavior is not acceptable. And it WILL escalate and be exacerbated if you have kids. I know firsthand.

I am not saying it is acceptable. I am asking what her view is of an acceptable way to express negative emotion. Is he allowed to have negative emotions? If yes, how would it be acceptable for him to express those?

Surely you agree that men are allowed to be sad, hurt, scared, irritated, mad, angry, frustrated etc Or do you believe that they should be emotionless and never express emotion?

I would hazard a guess that many posters on this thread have cried and raised their voices as a way of expressing negative emotion yet OP lumps those in with throwing and punching as being problematic.

What are acceptable ways to express negative emotions like sadness, disappointment, hurt, fear, anger, irritation, frustration etc? These are actually all healthy and normal emotions for both men and women to feel and express.

[Anonymous]

Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

What? Not a good answer here.

Um yeah this is wild. This behavior is not acceptable. And it WILL escalate and be exacerbated if you have kids. I know firsthand.

I am not saying it is acceptable. I am asking what her view is of an acceptable way to express negative emotion. Is he allowed to have negative emotions? If yes, how would it be acceptable for him to express those?

Surely you agree that men are allowed to be sad, hurt, scared, irritated, mad, angry, frustrated etc Or do you believe that they should be emotionless and never express emotion?

I would hazard a guess that many posters on this thread have cried and raised their voices as a way of expressing negative emotion yet OP lumps those in with throwing and punching as being problematic.

What are acceptable ways to express negative emotions like sadness, disappointment, hurt, fear, anger, irritation, frustration etc? These are actually all healthy and normal emotions for both men and women to feel and express.

No one has been saying the above. Only you.

OPs situation is not yours nor one of telling her SF to stuff down any and all emotions except happy ones.

He’s off the wall dangerous how he lets his anger take over, and she needs to quit that friendship and dating situation.

And you know that PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me.

For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls.
When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc?

We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

Not normal.

He’s flying off the handle and being manipulative.

Whether deliberate or not, this is NOT good for you nor your mental or emotional health.

Get out of the relationship. Make up anything you want. And get to therapy to get stronger and stay safe.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do come from a family where voices are raised in anger/frustration, so I don't think that's necessarily a deal breaker in and of itself. Here's what's different in my family:

--Nobody is yelling on a regular basis.
--Nobody goes on long rants or rages
--Everybody recognizes that the yeller has lost their cool--including the yeller. The yeller apologizes afterwards.
--Nobody ever hits or throws anything. EVER.

The situation you describe sounds absolutely unacceptable even to me, a person who is not uncomfortable with a little yelling. This is a dangerous loss of control, and PPs are right that behavior like this very often escalates. This is not safe for you OP. You need to get out.

But I will also add, no one is obliged to be comfortable with yelling. Even if your boyfriend only lost his cool for brief periods and never hit anything and apologized afterward, IT IS OKAY FOR THAT TO BE UNACCEPTABLE FOR YOU. You get to decide how you want to be treated. You are under no obligation to accept this. And I would urge you to steer clear of any relationship that feel uncomfortable for you. I think therapy to figure out why you are so willing to accept a situation that feels so toxic for you would be a really good idea.

I'll say it again: please get out OP. This is dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

How do you express those emotions to your boss at work? How would you advise your third grader to express those emotions at school? How about to a cashier at a checkout line? Or in a tense conversation with elderly parents?

How come a man can't show a woman at least that minimum of respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

Of course you can intellectualize it and and discuss it calmly but the idea that actually expressing any emotion is unhealthy isn’t something I agree with. As I said I am sure people posting have cried or raised their voices or ranted. I am sure people on here have felt and actually expressed emotion - and not just calmly discussed the emotion without any expression. Do I think he is an awful human for doing those things. No I don’t. I think the idea that expressing emotion is wrong in a man and there are no acceptable ways for a man to express emotion is what leads to people throwing things and punching walls. If there is no acceptable way to express negative emotion then no matter what he does is bad.

[Anonymous]

And I think the idea that suddenly no one on this board has ever expressed emotion but has dealt with every feeling using calm, intellectualized, rational, discussion to be laughable.

Would your spouses and children and family really say you have never show any emotion ever? Really? Always just a calm rational conversation about the feeling but without any expression. Doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

Of course you can intellectualize it and and discuss it calmly but the idea that actually expressing any emotion is unhealthy isn’t something I agree with.

As I said I am sure people posting have cried or raised their voices or ranted. I am sure people on here have felt and actually expressed emotion - and not just calmly discussed the emotion without any expression. Do I think he is an awful human for doing those things. No I don’t. I think the idea that expressing emotion is wrong in a man and there are no acceptable ways for a man to express emotion is what leads to people throwing things and punching walls. If there is no acceptable way to express negative emotion then no matter what he does is bad.

You aren’t making any points here Pp.

We all agree you should express, not bottle up, your emotions. Including men.

What you seem to never be acknowledging in your many repetitive posts is that there ARE indeed abusive ways of expressing emotions around others. And if you don’t check yourself, or apologize, or improve after continually “losing it,” you have a major emotional dysregulation problem.

You do believe that, right Pp?
Society certainly does. That’s why there is religion, laws and a judicial system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

Of course you can intellectualize it and and discuss it calmly but the idea that actually expressing any emotion is unhealthy isn’t something I agree with.

As I said I am sure people posting have cried or raised their voices or ranted. I am sure people on here have felt and actually expressed emotion - and not just calmly discussed the emotion without any expression. Do I think he is an awful human for doing those things. No I don’t.

I think the idea that expressing emotion is wrong in a man and there are no acceptable ways for a man to express emotion is what leads to people throwing things and punching walls. If there is no acceptable way to express negative emotion then no matter what he does is bad.

No one said any of that here except you.

No one believes that.

What subculture in America believes and demonstrates that claim?

Where are YOU seeing this play out? Have you seen it first hand or is this some social/mass media theory you are applying to everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I think the idea that suddenly no one on this board has ever expressed emotion but has dealt with every feeling using calm, intellectualized, rational, discussion to be laughable.

Would your spouses and children and family really say you have never show any emotion ever? Really? Always just a calm rational conversation about the feeling but without any expression. Doubtful.

No one has said or shown that here Pp. You seem really fixated. Maybe make up your with topic and thread.

Countless people here have provided examples of being mad or angry and knowing when a line is crossed. You keep avoiding that side of the whole issue at hand for Op.

She is the target a longstanding pattern of unmitigated anger and manipulation from her dysregulated boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correct there are healthy ways to show and cope with anger or sadness.
Complain/ talk about it, call out the wrong, ask to take a moment, go work out, leave the situation, circle back within a day or two and clear it up, come up with a plan to get over it or fix it.

And there are unhealthy ways.
Yell and blame others, punch walls, destroy property, stonewall for days, drugs/ excessive alcohol, etc like OPs date does.

Of course you can intellectualize it and and discuss it calmly but the idea that actually expressing any emotion is unhealthy isn’t something I agree with.

As I said I am sure people posting have cried or raised their voices or ranted. I am sure people on here have felt and actually expressed emotion - and not just calmly discussed the emotion without any expression. Do I think he is an awful human for doing those things. No I don’t. I think the idea that expressing emotion is wrong in a man and there are no acceptable ways for a man to express emotion is what leads to people throwing things and punching walls. If there is no acceptable way to express negative emotion then no matter what he does is bad.

You aren’t making any points here Pp.

We all agree you should express, not bottle up, your emotions. Including men.

What you seem to never be acknowledging in your many repetitive posts is that there ARE indeed abusive ways of expressing emotions around others. And if you don’t check yourself, or apologize, or improve after continually “losing it,” you have a major emotional dysregulation problem.

You do believe that, right Pp?
Society certainly does. That’s why there is religion, laws and a judicial system.

Of course there are abusive ways but seeing as on this post tears, rants, and raising voice has been lumped in with throwing things and punching walls and everyone agress this list is wrong and that those things all show he is emotionally dysregulated - then what I am asking is what is an acceptable way for a man to show he is hurt or disappointed or scared or sad or frustrated or angry or irritated? How can he show emotion in a way that wouldn't tbe perceived as abusive or dysregulated?

There was a post on here not long ago about women yelling at their husbands and the majority view was that yelling at your husbandis aceptable if they do something that frustrates you, that a woman can't be expected to stay calm when her husband repeatedly frustrates her and that yelling is an acceptable way to express that frustration. We also see many women rainting on here and talking about crying. So those things (tears, rants, and raised voices) are seen as acceptable for women but signs of emotional dysregulation and RUN in a man. For a man they are seen as the same as throwing things and punching walls.

So how can a man express emotion - what would be acceptable? We have heard he can intellectualize the emotion and express it verbally in conversation in a calm and rational way - but that still isn't seeing any actual expressed emotion as acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

How do you express those emotions to your boss at work? How would you advise your third grader to express those emotions at school? How about to a cashier at a checkout line? Or in a tense conversation with elderly parents?

How come a man can't show a woman at least that minimum of respect?

So if a woman cries or rants or raises her voiceat home, she is not showing the minimum of respect? That those are signs of disrespect and shouldn't be tolerated? Based on that view most of the posters on this board aren't capable of showing even the minimum of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me. For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls. When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc? We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

He needs to fix this before he can be anyone's boyfriend. You can be friends with a crush and benefits if you want, and if he does the work to calm himself down and find safer outlets for his stress (therapy, medication, CBT, stoicism, diet, exercise, whatever), then you can try to progress.