Feel like my boyfriend has poor emotional regulation

[Anonymous]

How do you leave out what made him broke into tears?
You may be dismissive avoidant (look it up) based your childhood and your body shutting down. You are possible not a partner material.
Both of you need to be single and figure out what your problems are.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't need to be your boyfriend. You are entitled to choose someone who doesn't do this.

"But you love him" is no excuse. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you leave out what made him broke into tears?
You may be dismissive avoidant (look it up) based your childhood and your body shutting down. You are possible not a partner material.
Both of you need to be single and figure out what your problems are.

Even if she was all those things, his behavior is super off the charts. So, this isn't likely a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

What? Not a good answer here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While he does have poor emotional regulation, he also needs to be allowed to be upset. He is allowed to get frustrated or angry or sad or mad or scared or hurt. And he is allowed to be emotional and express that.

You don’t want him to rant or cry or raise his voice or punch walls or throw things. What is an acceptable way in your view for him to express his negative emotions?

What? Not a good answer here.

Um yeah this is wild. This behavior is not acceptable. And it WILL escalate and be exacerbated if you have kids. I know firsthand.

[Anonymous]

Leave the relationship.

This is serious and he needs to never be in a close relationship until he gets his temper under control. Full stop.

Adhd or asd or whatever doesn’t matter. He needs professional help. Stop making excuses, don’t try to save him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you leave out what made him broke into tears?
You may be dismissive avoidant (look it up) based your childhood and your body shutting down. You are possible not a partner material.
Both of you need to be single and figure out what your problems are.

He prob “broke out into tears” when OP told him to stop raging and yelling, that it’s scary. Then he pivoted to playing the victim and accusing her of being the bad guy telling him that. How dare she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think him yelling and throwing things is abuse or gaslighting. I don’t like the punching the wall thing.

Op did not say any of this was projected towards her. If it is projected to her, it is abuse.

It sounds like his emotional regulation is not great, but as other people noted, some families deal with anger and frustration through raised voices. It may be jarring to people outside those families. Tv goes out on game day? Some people are going to raise their voices and yell some pissed off swear words.

But that’s super different than yelling swear words at op.

I wouldn’t like to be with someone who yells, and op sounds like she doesn’t either. So probably should move on. But don’t go around painting him as abusive or even worse, a gaslighter. Because he’s not those things (assuming again that his anger is not directed at op).

Yelling, throwing things and punching a wall are all forms of coercive control, which is a type of abuse.

OP, you should end this relationship as soon as possible. You are not responsible for creating, nor are you responsible for fixing, your boyfriend's poor emotional regulation.

[Anonymous]

When frustrated, both my DH and younger brother thought raising voice helps get their point across but they never ever raised hand on anyone and with age learned to control their volume. In their defense, both had fathers who modeled this. All good people but never had therapy or regulated role modeling to learn these skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't need to be your boyfriend. You are entitled to choose someone who doesn't do this.

"But you love him" is no excuse. Do better.

Do alcoholic, druggy, loser, criminal, scammer, unemployed, bankrupt, gambler, creep, cheater, abuser? If he is a good person with one flaw, its not necessarily a deal breaker. You need to help him work on it and also analyze and improve your personality issues related to your upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my boyfriend a lot, but I feel like he has a really hard time regulating his emotions and often dump them on me. For context, he is 25, so I dont know if it's something you grow out of, but when he gets upset he'll often raise his voice or just go on rants. A few times he has broken into tears, occasionally thrown things or punched walls. When this happens I get very stressed out and almost feel like my body shuts down, because it seems everything I say makes it worse and I feel like there's no solution. I also didnt grow up around shouting, although my parents were toxic in other ways, so it's very shocking to me.

I guess I want to know how serious this is, if it's something that will change, etc? We are very serious and talking about engagement but it worries me for the future. I dont know if this is just how it is when certain people are under stress- I get stressed out too but never throw things, punch walls, etc.

How old are you? What do you love about him and how long have you known him?

[Anonymous]

It is VERY serious that he throws things and punches walls. Leave. Leave before he punches you. He will not grow out of this.

[Anonymous]

Um no. He will not “grow out” of this.

He most likely has some underlying mental health issues that lead to this. Trauma, borderline personality disorder, narcissism, etc.

If I were you, I’d run. I married a similar boyfriend and 15 years into an abusive relationship, just divorced. Don’t do this to yourself. You can find a guy without these issues and he will make your life hell no matter how much you love each other. This is not healthy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't need to be your boyfriend. You are entitled to choose someone who doesn't do this.

"But you love him" is no excuse. Do better.

Do alcoholic, druggy, loser, criminal, scammer, unemployed, bankrupt, gambler, creep, cheater, abuser? If he is a good person with one flaw, its not necessarily a deal breaker. You need to help him work on it and also analyze and improve your personality issues related to your upbringing.

OP, don’t listen to this deranged person. Break up with this man, he has the potential to be dangerous. Don’t do this to yourself, you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Break up and move on. This is insane. And please get a therapist to figure out why you have been putting up with this.

+1. I married a version of this guy. It's never gotten better and eventually he'll turn it on you, and likely your kids if you have them.

Don't do this to yourself. You're young and have every opportunity in front of you. Don't start married life with someone like this.