I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

What if you call it “achievement motivation” does that help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.

I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

It would never have occurred to me to characterize "striver" as a core value.

Off the top of my head, here are my DH's and my core values (which some might call "character traits" we value):

commitment
compassion
concern for others
dependability
friendliness
good humor
honesty
honor
integrity
kindness
loyalty
perseverance
positivity
reliability
respect

How would "striver" fit into core values? <-- That is a genuine question.

Are you serious? Being ambitous is a core life value. If someone is not ambitious and one person is, there can be lasting resentment and it won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

Maybe she does not want a second husband (I don't!). Maybe she just does not want to be reminded every day that her partner does nt seem to care that she is working herself to the bone while he coasts along. This two kinds of people don't fit together. She is clearly not okay with the dynamic. He is. This is a mismatch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

And this is why therapy is important. It's not about changing who you are it's about learning to deal with it and not make you miserable. The reality is, divorced or not, if you want what you want the situation isn't going to change. Divorced or not, you're still going to have to keep your job if you want what you want. Sure, maybe you'll meet someone else with your same level of stress or who is OK with you taking a less stressful job and he can help provide for your kids futures. But obviously you can't plan on that. So therapy will help you learn to make peace with your situation. It's certainly worth a try instead of just getting more bitter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the chance that OP will find a second husband willing to buy houses for his stepchildren is vanishingly small. that is not a reasonable option.

if OP wants the life she wants, it is on her, either married to this husband or not.

Maybe she does not want a second husband (I don't!). Maybe she just does not want to be reminded every day that her partner does nt seem to care that she is working herself to the bone while he coasts along. This two kinds of people don't fit together. She is clearly not okay with the dynamic. He is. This is a mismatch.

Sure. But what OP and those saying "just divorce" don't realize is that it doesn't really solve anything other than the fact that she won't be miserably married. He's still not going to prioritize the same things. She's still going to have to work a high stress job to fund her priorities. And now you have the fun added money suck of divorce and two residences. The resentment will still be there. The anger towards him will still be there. She just won't have to deal with it face to face

[Anonymous]

I think you should make a list of what you think life will look like divorced. And one where you stay together. Dh isn't going to change. And it has to be stuff that's definite (I. E don't put your young and can meet someone else). Maybe having a realistic plan on paper will help. Divorce will help some things, but it's naive to think it doesn't cause a different set of problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To address the several posters who asked about my job and the fact that I picked it:

I picked my job so that I can have a solid financial future and my kids can have opportunities. If I get a lower stress job, we could survive sure but lifestyle would take a massive hit as would savings of all kinds (retirement, college, cash savings, potential to send kids to private schools, etc).

My parents paid for my wedding and gave us house down payment. This helped us massively and call me crazy but I would like to do the same for my kids because it is not easy getting started out there.

DH doesn’t share my feelings. He thinks as long as we don’t die all is well. He has no DRIVE to take care of us in a proactive way.

It is stressful to try to provide for your family. I want to literally take some of that stress off of my shoulders and put it on his.

I actually like my job but I would prefer to coast a little bit, not worry about maximizing bonus and getting promoted. Have good enough be enough.

But I can’t do that while he is so happily laid back with no upward career trajectory. We are just not compatible at all in this regard and the thought of forcing myself to lower my standards makes me feel like I am being snuffed out by him.

But as stated I also suspect, contrary to the prevailing view, that most women strongly prefer a driven man who is motivated to maximize his family’s well being.

OP, I'm sorry. It's not fair that your husband expects you to stay in a high stress career so that he can coast without any stress. It seems to me that this is more about him being ok watching you suffer as long as he gets to keep avoiding responsibility. You never get to coast because he won't step up and earn enough to support the family. Of course you resent that.

The best marriages I've seen have the man supporting the family with a SAHM. Not necessarily even a really high earner, but a more traditional division of roles. Women generally do more domestic and childcare duties whether they work or not so it's not fair if they also have to work the same types of jobs let alone higher stress and longer hours.

Keep ‘em barefoot and pregnant!

[Anonymous]

OP is either an A+ level troll… or just a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

[Anonymous]

What, OP? Get a new job. Don't blame him. Isn't this how partnership works? He does the household/kid stuff if his job is less stressful. In the meantime, you can change jobs. You're not a slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.

My husband is a government worker not a programmer.

So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.

My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.

That decision would make your goals - saving for retirement, down payment/wedding/private school for the kids, that much harder for you.

Ok I haven't read the whole thread but OP how ware you going to feel about paying him child support/spousal support? If you are resentful now, you are going to be homicidal when you are handing over a large chunk of your salary to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

[Anonymous]

OP sounds materialistic and trapped in some consumerist hell.