I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am OP, and I am willing to bet that 80+% of the people responding here attacking my “materialistic” values share the exact same values.

Any intellectually honest person who frequents this board knows that is true!!

It’s just a taboo to talk about it openly, which is why I’ve chosen an anonymous forum.

Listen, I’m going to bow out because I am now a target for people’s misplaced hypocritical rage.

And guess whose kids are going to be happier? The ones with happy and involved parents who take them on vacations or the ones with a miserable mom, parents with a bad marriage and never taking vacations but can have mom buy them a house in 20 years?

Nope. I don't care about being able to buy a house for my kid or sending them to a private. We prioritize a happy marriage and family life. We work to provide a good house in a good school district, a few vacations a year (don't care about staying at the Ritz), activities for DS, and saving for retirement and college. Sounds like that's what your life would be like if you took a less stressful job.

Unless you are camping, your “few vacations a year” money is my “save for my kids future” money. We certainly do not take a few vacations a year! 1 MAYBE.

If I took a lower stress job it would be a struggle to adequately save for retirement and pay for college in full. Why do so many people (including DH) want yo pretend that life isn’t damn expensive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am OP, and I am willing to bet that 80+% of the people responding here attacking my “materialistic” values share the exact same values.

Any intellectually honest person who frequents this board knows that is true!!

It’s just a taboo to talk about it openly, which is why I’ve chosen an anonymous forum.

Listen, I’m going to bow out because I am now a target for people’s misplaced hypocritical rage.

Nope. I don't care about being able to buy a house for my kid or sending them to a private. We prioritize a happy marriage and family life. We work to provide a good house in a good school district, a few vacations a year (don't care about staying at the Ritz), activities for DS, and saving for retirement and college. Sounds like that's what your life would be like if you took a less stressful job.

Unless you are camping, your “few vacations a year” money is my “save for my kids future” money. We certainly do not take a few vacations a year! 1 MAYBE.

If I took a lower stress job it would be a struggle to adequately save for retirement and pay for college in full. Why do so many people (including DH) want yo pretend that life isn’t damn expensive?

And guess whose kids are going to be happier? The ones with happy and involved parents who take them on vacations or the ones with a miserable mom, parents with a bad marriage and never taking vacations but can have mom buy them a house in 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope your husband gets custody. You're a terrible role model for your children.

WTH is wrong with you!! She is busting her butt while he is coasting. He is the terrible model.

You also feel that way about SAHMs, and women who earn much less than their partners?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope your husband gets custody. You're a terrible role model for your children.

WTH is wrong with you!! She is busting her butt while he is coasting. He is the terrible model.

No. Her priorities are buying her kids a house and paying for a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who makes more than my DH and who is still overall very happy and satisfied with my marriage.

DH completely picks up the childcare and household slack and does thoughtful things to support me when I'm under work stress. He also knows there is a high likelihood of me retiring before him and letting him carry the household with insurance once we've built our nest egg.

I make more than my DH but i am not overall happy and satisfied. Why not? Bc of the bolded.
I make more yet I still am the default childcare, household, and even freaking date planner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your values seem really misplaced. I bet your kids would like happy parents who live together VS a divorced family with an unhappy mom (because you'll still be working this stressful job but you'll also be parenting alone). You need therapy, not to mess up your kids because of your issues.

NP. I think you are wrong here. I think she would be happier divorced not dealing with this resentment. She is unhappy in the marriage. I bet she would have a cloud lift if she divorced. The problem is though that their lifestyle would take a hit unless she has family help. She might have to pay alimony but maybe not. I did not get it and people are surprised. If both people work, unless the discrepancy is HUGE, there is usually no alimony.

[Anonymous]

I’m now retired but for years I had very high stress jobs running “turnaround” companies after they were acquired by PE firms. My wife had a low stress job with a non profit and I’m happy she did because it was a pleasure to arrive home to someone more relaxed than me. Thankfully I enjoyed my work but the stress at times was brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.

Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.

I hear you. I was pressured into marrying the wrong person, too, when I knew deep down it was a mistake. People have a way of telling you something is wrong with your feelings and then you start to believe it yourself and go through with it. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I regret waiting as long as I did to divorce. The same people said "stick it out." It was pure misery and the worst 10 years of my life. I am so happy to be divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think OP is a troll. Doesn't want actual advice. Just enjoys arguing. Can't listen to someone who disagrees with her. Just very weird.

Anonymous wrote:I'm starting to think OP is a troll. Doesn't want actual advice. Just enjoys arguing. Can't listen to someone who disagrees with her. Just very weird.

Ok I have to get to work now. Big stressful presentation today. Didn’t sleep well. Woke up angry that my DH gets to wake up and embark on his slow morning because I am the one worried about college savings and he thinks it is optional.

But no I am not a troll. It’s just that I didn’t post asking for advice. I know myself well, know i f*cked up marrying DH, and came here to distract myself from my stress and vent a bit.

I argued because my point of view is 1000% valid. So is DH’s. He is entitled to his values as well. I just have no idea how they can be reconciled without me completely overriding who I am which is not realistic, even with 24/7 therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.

Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.

It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.

What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.

Because you blame other people for why you made that mistake!

She did not blame other people...but those people have influence...and yes, they did contribute when they were talking her out of her own feelings. If you have never been in this situation, you would not understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.

Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.

OP, the problem here is that you don’t like the person you married, not some ridiculous conjecture about how women need an alpha male.

Maybe. But do you really not believe that women prefer men who want to work hard for their families? Really? Do you deny that women prefer tall men too?

He has a good government job, presumably with health insurance and retirement plan! Sounds great to me. I’m married to a lower earner with excellent benefits and I’m a teacher. Maybe it’s just that I know I’ll never be wealthy, but I love my husband. Neither of us would work if we could get away with it.

Your values are on you. Own them. Don’t try and comfort yourself by trying to prove they’re not warped by greed and materialism.

She wants an equal. That is not greed or materialism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your values seem really misplaced. I bet your kids would like happy parents who live together VS a divorced family with an unhappy mom (because you'll still be working this stressful job but you'll also be parenting alone). You need therapy, not to mess up your kids because of your issues.

NP. I think you are wrong here. I think she would be happier divorced not dealing with this resentment. She is unhappy in the marriage. I bet she would have a cloud lift if she divorced. The problem is though that their lifestyle would take a hit unless she has family help. She might have to pay alimony but maybe not. I did not get it and people are surprised. If both people work, unless the discrepancy is HUGE, there is usually no alimony.

Sure. She would be happier without him. But she's still going to be working the same high stress job if she wants what she wants. Unless her plan is to get married to someone who makes enough for OP to take a lower paying job and is cool using his money to pay for his step kids houses and weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope your husband gets custody. You're a terrible role model for your children.

WTH is wrong with you!! She is busting her butt while he is coasting. He is the terrible model.

No. Her priorities are buying her kids a house and paying for a wedding.

So what? That is a goal...not a priority. There is nothing wrong with that. They do not have equal goals in life. She is ambitious. He is not.

However, she should not divorce if she thinks she will find another man who meets her desires for a life partner because that won't necessarily happen. However, if you know your marriage is a mistake, it will never be happy or satisfying. She has to be okay knowing she does not want HIM as a partner but know that another one may not come along either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your values seem really misplaced. I bet your kids would like happy parents who live together VS a divorced family with an unhappy mom (because you'll still be working this stressful job but you'll also be parenting alone). You need therapy, not to mess up your kids because of your issues.

NP. I think you are wrong here. I think she would be happier divorced not dealing with this resentment. She is unhappy in the marriage. I bet she would have a cloud lift if she divorced. The problem is though that their lifestyle would take a hit unless she has family help. She might have to pay alimony but maybe not. I did not get it and people are surprised. If both people work, unless the discrepancy is HUGE, there is usually no alimony.

Sure. She would be happier without him. But she's still going to be working the same high stress job if she wants what she wants. Unless her plan is to get married to someone who makes enough for OP to take a lower paying job and is cool using his money to pay for his step kids houses and weddings

It is easier to work a high-stress job when you are not seeing resentment in your house everyday. I went back to work for the sole purpose of getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

Yeah. Pretty much every marriage where one of the spouses is SAH.