How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not paying for my new gf's kid's college. Ask me to and I'll dump her.

In this hypothetical, it would be your wife of 5 years but whatever. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not paying for my new gf's kid's college. Ask me to and I'll dump her.

In this hypothetical, it would be your wife of 5 years but whatever. 🙄

Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good insecure knee jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

No she can’t.

Yes she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you hadn't married him then she would get aid to go to these schools, but still would not have the latest Phones, cars, trips, etc that you speak of. She would then get to the school and envy the other students who did have these "privileges".

You can try to help her see that both of your lives could be a lot worse if you have not married. I assume that you are living in a more stable house hold and do not have the stress of needing to worry about where the rent/mortgage payment would come from.

OP's marriage has nothing to do with it. He did not adopt her DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was a teen already when her parents remarried,

OP clarified that they've been married since this kid was 12. So, OP has had 5 years to save for college while probably not paying for housing etc . . . , and the step father has had 5 years to form a relationship with this child, and the kid has been watching this enormously uneven treatment since she was too young to make any sense of it.

+1
OP works but has only 30k savings from 5 years of no need to pay for housing, food, utilities, clothing???
And There are 5 more years until she finishes college, how’s 30k all you can contribute even without the new H?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

I think I'm the OP you referenced and there is some good advice in here. I particularly like the idea of two years of CC.

Reading this made me think though, OP what problem are you asking us to help you solve? Do you really want help finding a way to get your daughter more funding for college? Or are you satisfied with your 30K contributions plus her loans and are more focused on her discontentment and actions toward DH's kids? It is two different but related problems you have, but they require two different kinds of advice...

You guys are very sweet, truly. You are missing the problem that OP wants solved and has repeatedly said: how to get her daughter to stop lashing out at step family (and stop embarrassing OP in front of the new family) and stop expressing overt hurt by this decision. Parentheticals are mine but a fair reading. OP has said nothing that makes me thinks this post is about solving a $/college problem but how to get her DD to stop “complaining.”

But surely the embarrassment issue will be either way? OPs daughter might magically stop lashing out at her step siblings but nothing is going to stop her from telling guidance counselors, mentors, family friends that she got into Smith and really wanted to go there but her mother was only willing to pay for College Park...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

I think I'm the OP you referenced and there is some good advice in here. I particularly like the idea of two years of CC.

Reading this made me think though, OP what problem are you asking us to help you solve? Do you really want help finding a way to get your daughter more funding for college? Or are you satisfied with your 30K contributions plus her loans and are more focused on her discontentment and actions toward DH's kids? It is two different but related problems you have, but they require two different kinds of advice...

You guys are very sweet, truly. You are missing the problem that OP wants solved and has repeatedly said: how to get her daughter to stop lashing out at step family (and stop embarrassing OP in front of the new family) and stop expressing overt hurt by this decision. Parentheticals are mine but a fair reading. OP has said nothing that makes me thinks this post is about solving a $/college problem but how to get her DD to stop “complaining.”

But surely the embarrassment issue will be either way? OPs daughter might magically stop lashing out at her step siblings but nothing is going to stop her from telling guidance counselors, mentors, family friends that she got into Smith and really wanted to go there but her mother was only willing to pay for College Park...?

Her mother is willing to pay for 27% of College Park.

If her mom was willing to pay for College Park, there are plenty of LAC's where she could have the small college experience at the same price due to merit aid. But that's not what mom's offering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you hadn't married him then she would get aid to go to these schools, but still would not have the latest Phones, cars, trips, etc that you speak of. She would then get to the school and envy the other students who did have these "privileges".

You can try to help her see that both of your lives could be a lot worse if you have not married. I assume that you are living in a more stable house hold and do not have the stress of needing to worry about where the rent/mortgage payment would come from.

OP's marriage has nothing to do with it. He did not adopt her DD.

That will be news to FAFSA.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you say you and your DH have completely kept the kids and finances separate, are you saying that for the last 6 years for every birthday (and Christmas if you celebrate it), your DD has watched her step sisters open up $1000 iPhones while you’ve handed her a sweater and expected her to be grateful? At 13, 15, 17? She is clearly lashing out because of years of feeling like a second rate citizen in her own home. And your attitude is basically that she needs to stop being rude to her privileged step sisters. You’re not wrong about her needing to accept the financial situation as it is (although it completely sucks that you got your security at her expense because your DH blocks her ability to get aid), or about her being unfair to her step sisters, but you seem oblivious to the fact that you helped create this unequal treatment, and you also seem to be more concerned about your DH and his kids than your own daughter’s future. I feel bad for her, and suspect your relationship in the future will not be great. But I’m not sure you really care that much.

[Anonymous]

Funny how so many of you are saying that the stepfather is obligated to contribute to this child’s call just occasion but nobody ask a P if she’s paying anything for his kids college education. It is tough. It doesn’t matter if the original poster is remarried or not what she has saved what is available to the daughter is $30,000 that’s it. And I definitely understand how this teen is disappointed and has some jealousy and hurt and I hope those things can get worked out but it is what it is and the mom is not a bad mom because she didn’t save up 400 effing thousand dollars for college.
why aren’t you mad that a college education costs so damn much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how so many of you are saying that the stepfather is obligated to contribute to this child’s call just occasion but nobody ask a P if she’s paying anything for his kids college education. It is tough. It doesn’t matter if the original poster is remarried or not what she has saved what is available to the daughter is $30,000 that’s it. And I definitely understand how this teen is disappointed and has some jealousy and hurt and I hope those things can get worked out but it is what it is and the mom is not a bad mom because she didn’t save up 400 effing thousand dollars for college.
why aren’t you mad that a college education costs so damn much

It doesn't cost all that much for people like OP... unless they marry someone who can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was a teen already when her parents remarried,

OP clarified that they've been married since this kid was 12. So, OP has had 5 years to save for college while probably not paying for housing etc . . . , and the step father has had 5 years to form a relationship with this child, and the kid has been watching this enormously uneven treatment since she was too young to make any sense of it.

+1
OP works but has only 30k savings from 5 years of no need to pay for housing, food, utilities, clothing???
And There are 5 more years until she finishes college, how’s 30k all you can contribute even without the new H?

Because she was a broke ass single parent for a lot of years what is it you don’t understand why is it so hard for people to understand that everybody does not have the financial wherewithal to pay their rent mortgage car insurance medical bills etc. etc. and save for college and save for retirement do you think everybody makes six figures ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not paying for my new gf's kid's college. Ask me to and I'll dump her.

You shouldn't, since she's your girlfriend. Don't marry her when it'll hurt her child so much tho.

[Anonymous]

You are acting like this stepsiblings don’t have another parent who is also contributing to the things that they get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was a teen already when her parents remarried,

OP clarified that they've been married since this kid was 12. So, OP has had 5 years to save for college while probably not paying for housing etc . . . , and the step father has had 5 years to form a relationship with this child, and the kid has been watching this enormously uneven treatment since she was too young to make any sense of it.

+1
OP works but has only 30k savings from 5 years of no need to pay for housing, food, utilities, clothing???
And There are 5 more years until she finishes college, how’s 30k all you can contribute even without the new H?

Because she was a broke ass single parent for a lot of years what is it you don’t understand why is it so hard for people to understand that everybody does not have the financial wherewithal to pay their rent mortgage car insurance medical bills etc. etc. and save for college and save for retirement do you think everybody makes six figures ??

She hasn't been a single parent anymore for 5 years. No rent, no mortgage. Every penny could have gone to savings.