Reply to How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

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[quote=Anonymous]My life hasn't turned out how I expected either.  I have the provider husband, nice house, and three children, but one of my children (maybe more) is very difficult to deal with and has a special need that takes up a lot of my time and energy, but is also "hidden."  Most people have no idea what we deal with on a daily basis.  I suspect my DH also has this special need, and that's why he has anger/rage problems, among other problems, that profoundly impact the kids and me, but that he also hides from the outside world.  It's hard.  I experience some level of trauma daily, and suspect I have some level of PTSD.  It's my choice not to divorce, but there would be great costs to that too, as it would completely derail my children's lives, both financially and otherwise, and make it virtually impossible for my child's special needs to be addressed.

I did not marry for money, to the contrary I was head over heels in love when we married and there were no red flags (and if there were, I couldn't see them because I'm not an expert on this special need).  His issues did not surface until after we were already married.  Now I'm with a mentally unhealthy DH who also passed his condition down to our children, and I'm stuck not only with the burden of taking care of them now, but worrying about their futures because I don't know how functional they'll be as adults with this special need.

I wish I had more answers as to how to be happy.  On some level I feel tricked, but realize that's not helpful.  I realize I have choices, but they are all bad.  I do try to meditate, take walks, feel gratitude for what I have, take time for myself, and am in therapy, and this all helps, but I live in a constant heightened state of alert always needing to walk on eggshells, both around my DH and child.  I am constantly worn down and exhausted, and have no where to turn for respite or even compassion.

Before kids I had an amazing career, and I would really like to at least attempt to get back into it, but between all the time and energy I need to spend on my child's special need, and my husbands demands (and outsourcing not really feasible as no outside help is up to DH's standards), it's doesn't seem possible.  I also tell tell myself that at some point, as my kids get older, I can get some semblance of a life back.  I hold on to the idea that this is just a chapter in my life, but that (to use the PP's words) there are more pages in my future.  [/quote]

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