Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option. [/quote]

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first. [/quote]

Sometimes. Some people are jerks.[/quote]

True! But jerks are everywhere in life.  Being cordial and tolerant is part of being an adult.  It's perfectly normal that you would gel with a handful of these friends but maybe keep the others at arms length.  What matters is that you're polite and cordial and not starting drama.[/quote]

Agree to being polite and not starting drama, no question.

And I think in 90% of situations what you are saying makes total sense -- give people a chance, keep it cordial, don't stir things up.

I just happen to have experience with the other 10% of the time where the person is, like, malevolent. Like not just a personality that rubs you the wrong way but someone in your friend group who is actively a jerk to you and just to you for some reason that only they understand. And in that situation, if you say nothing, the person will just keep being a jerk and people will assume it doesn't bother you because you didn't say anything.

It's an absolute catch-22. If you speak up, you're starting drama. If you say nothing, it must be fine. I think people think there's this perfect middle ground where you speak up at just the right time in just the most tactful way and the person (who is a jerk!) starts being nice and everything goes back to normal. But there's no perfect middle ground because people aren't perfect. We're messy. So in that situation, I vote for speak up and be honest, see where the chips fall. If people don't back you up or accuse you of just stirring up trouble, that's it's own kind of answer. But it someone is doing something genuinely hurtful, and it's not a one off thing, you owe it to yourself to say something about it, both directly to them and to the group, because no one should have to put up with bullying or abuse.[/quote]

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