Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option. [/quote]

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first. [/quote]

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her.  My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend.  Over the years we’ve become close.  Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure).  But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.[/quote]

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.[/quote]

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

[/quote]

We should be friends! It sucks being the group outcast. Was much harder to recover from than even the worst romantic heartbreak I've been through. Years later I had a baby and had bad postpartum depression, and I realized in therapy that one of the big triggers for my PPD was that I STILL felt rejected by that friend group and it was making me feel isolated as a new mom because I'd think "Oh, if I was still friends with them I wouldn't feel so alone."

Now, that's almost certainly not true (I would have had PPD and felt isolated no matter what), but it felt true at the time. Getting squeezed out of a friend group can follow you for a long time. I agree the easiest way to avoid is to either avoid friend groups altogether or just never invest too much of yourself in them. I do actually have a mom group now, but I absolutely keep it at arms length and purposefully only engage on a somewhat superficial degree. They can't squeeze me out if I'm barely in to begin with! I can't deal with going through that again. It hurts too much.[/quote]

PP again! Oh yes, the lingering trauma and self-blame. I’ve also been through PPD (twice) and have ongoing struggles with anxiety (doing great now!). My anxiety was certainly triggered by the anticipation of these “friend group” gatherings; I had to almost prep myself in advance: avoid saying x, try not to get stuck in a conversation w/ “new rival for former friend,” weighing my words...handling criticism.

Sickest of all was watching the dynamics at play. Watching a grown woman practically grovel and become worshipful towards another, competing for someone else’s attention (“DH and I have donated to Celebrity’s charity” or “I am taking care of Celebrity’s dog this week” escalating to these two developing a symbiotic toxicity...all playing out in social media and in the group social situations. The two are apparently still “best friends” who have bonded over narcissism but also significant personal family issues.[/quote]

I mean...so you literally have issues and needed help. Which...I'm glad you got help. No stigma, no shame, nothing nut applause for seeking help and doing better.

But maybe when scores of people who don't struggle with anxiety and social difficulties tell you that #3 is your best and only option? Take the advice.

I struggle with my weight. I'm not about to seek out advice on DCUM and then argue when people give me solid advice that has worked, long-term for them. Do you get it?[/quote]

DP (actually the PP she was responding to) but... what? First off, I don't think this is OP. Second, everyone has "issues". Third, I don't think anyone was asking for your advice (not even OP, if you pay attention -- this thread was a conversation starter, not for advice). But if you've never struggled with anxiety or social difficulties, how could you give it?

Sorry you struggle with your weight. That must be hard. I don't struggle with my weight, so I wouldn't tell you how to deal with it.[/quote]

Um...you...might if I literally posted a thread asking for advice, just like OP posted a thread asking for advice.

See how that works? [/quote]

I am the OP and I did not ask for advice. Which is why I'm not taking any! But thank you for contributing your thoughts -- this has been interesting. [/quote]

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