Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

What are homosexual tendencies?

He texted with other men and cheated on one for a few months this year. It's been about six months since then. Said he wasn't sure if he was bi or not, but then later said he didn't have these feelings anymore and wanted to save the relationship. The emails were a violation of privacy but they also pointed to something bigger that he seemed to be engaging in male emotional connections again even if with a hetero guy.

I hope you had a full STI panel run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He cheated. Done.

With men.

Double done.

[Anonymous]

OP what about your DH is keeping you in the marriage?

[Anonymous]

I think you know that the fact he didn’t mention that he slept with a dude to his friend implies shame and that his reason for getting back together is driven by shame and that’s why you framed it as an email issue without further detail.

What were your sexual issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

YIKES don't bury the lede. Yes it's a problem. Please discuss with the therapist.

[Anonymous]

What was in the email exactly?

[Anonymous]

No amount of marriage counseling or any other counseling is going to make your husband not gay. Forbidding him from communicating with his male friends is not going to make him not gay.

ideally, you both accept that he is gay, end this marriage, coparent the kids if you have them, and move on with your lives, hopefully with partners that make you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No amount of marriage counseling or any other counseling is going to make your husband not gay. Forbidding him from communicating with his male friends is not going to make him not gay.

ideally, you both accept that he is gay, end this marriage, coparent the kids if you have them, and move on with your lives, hopefully with partners that make you happy.

I was in your situation OP and I agree with above poster. I spent 12 month and $1000s on counseling and it was a waste of time. Therapist don’t really know what they are dealing with in these situations. You might have a more constructive discussions here

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/index_mobile.php

[Anonymous]

Nearly every woman I know or have been with has at least one friend that she tells EVERYTHING to and it's wrong, but they do it. It's why I'll never trust any woman, wife or not, with something I don't want anyone else to know. Your H sounds like a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. It's interesting how at first people saw the issue as my problem solely and the emails as benign and now see it as a sign the relationship is unfixable. I think it just points to the fact that both of us really don't know yet and still have a journey to figure this all out. More work to do in 2021.

All we can work with is the information provided. As we heard more about the affair with a male, that the forwarded email described your sexual relationship, that there was no disclosure of his infidelity to the male friend, and what sounds like may be an attachment (crush? emotional connection or affair?) with this male friend, the advice began to change.

Put yourself in a position to be the best parent you can be. Protect emotional health. Make decisions proactively about your physical health (condoms, condoms and more condoms). Get on the right track professionally and financially. And make sure you have a clear path towards a healthy future, even if it doesn’t involve your husband.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a betrayal and violation of privacy, even more so because you are all friends.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand the sense of violation over the e-mails. While my husband isn't gay, I've experienced a similar circumstance.

My husband was the one pushing for email communication because he didn't like talking. Correspondence that was personal (and I thought private) was shared at his discretion. I found out that he'd pick and choose emails (or parts of emails) to show to work friends who if I'd met them at all, didn't know me. He'd tell them his side of the story and how unreasonable he thought I was being and then when they agreed with his viewpoint he'd use it as proof that he was right. He wasn't looking for communication, but for vindication.

We went to counseling. I was willing to show the counselor the emails, and frequently did so that we could discuss them together in counseling with an objective party. But as it became apparent that the emails were hampering communication, I finally stopped using them for relationship communication, limiting them to factual exchanges (schedules, finances, etc.) Relationship topics needed the instant feedback of verbal communication. He resented that I was no longer willing to communicate with him in his preferred format.

We're getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

Being that the op NEVER identifies herself in any of these posts, it's hard to decipher which are from her.

So... has the OP actually fessed up and said exactly HOW she discovered that he had sent these emails to his buddy?

I think she went through his email and found them... and not "accidentally" either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No amount of marriage counseling or any other counseling is going to make your husband not gay. Forbidding him from communicating with his male friends is not going to make him not gay.

ideally, you both accept that he is gay, end this marriage, coparent the kids if you have them, and move on with your lives, hopefully with partners that make you happy.

I was in your situation OP and I agree with above poster. I spent 12 month and $1000s on counseling and it was a waste of time. Therapist don’t really know what they are dealing with in these situations. You might have a more constructive discussions here

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/index_mobile.php

My friend was the straight spouse getting cheated on by her closeted husband. Counselling just prolonged the pain. It honestly is simple, OP- you have sexual problems because you aren't a man. Maybe he is Bi/Pan but honestly- he's just not that in to you. He's just holding on to the marriage because he's terrified of what the world will think of him. Sorry, honey. You need to talk to a lawyer- you won't necessarily have to contribute 50/50 to a household.

Marriage has to be based on trust and openness. Will you ever be able to trust him again? If you want to stay together for money reasons then you would be better off opening the marriage. Your anger isn't going to force him to want to have sex with you.

And for the record- I am Bi/Pan myself and we can be faithful and monogamous! We aren't all cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He cheated. Done.

With men.

Double done.

Yeah, I don’t know how he’s defending himself in therapy - he doesn’t have any defense, no matter what feedback his friend gives him. He cheated. Period.