Vent about my sister just being a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your sister a selfish douche all the life? If not, when did this start?

Pretty much her whole life.

I really shouldn't have expected she would change.

[Anonymous]

At this point the thread is clearly just masturbatory for you. Enough.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point the thread is clearly just masturbatory for you. Enough.

You don't have to reply.

[Anonymous]

Op your sister has always been distant. You can't change her.

If you are resentful that you call once a week, then call once a month. I would be resentful as well with a one way relationship.

The relationship between your Dad and your sister is their relationship. It isn't yours to manage. You go to Christmas if it's important to you but your sister is free to make her own decisions.

If you don't understand the email then send one back and ask her "What does this mean, are you now not coming for Christmas?". It's ok to ask. You say the dates are for Nov and Dec. Is she expecting something around those dates, or is she simply not coming, just ask her.

You need to let go of the relationship you want with her. You have different expectations and that's ok. It may be hurtful but if you adjust a little maybe call her once a month you will feel less resentful. At some point you will have to come to accept that this is how she is and how she has chosen to live. See her when you can but let the holidays go, they aren't as important to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So call her up and say, "I thought we all agreed to be here with Dad for Christmas. What changed?"

+1 - and I'm surprised so many people are attacking you. I would incredibly upset if my sibling pulled something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. That's tough that she didn't provide at least some notice.

That said, it's not reasonable to issue a summons for another adult's time. An invitation is great, yes. An idea for everyone to be together, yes. But at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with another adult making a decision with his or her time and how they want to spend the little vacation they have.

For all you know, the marriage is under strain, and the choice was made to regroup the marriage with a nice vacation rather than the stress of family at the holidays.

This. So this. Better to just appreciate what she can do and let go out the rest. You don't know what is going on in her life.Maybe she has a diagnosis she hasn't told you about., Maybe her marriage is unstable and they are trying to focus on nuclear family. Maybe she is burned out and thinks she will lose it having an extended family holiday. Don't automatically assume someone is selfish. Assume you don't know the whole story and don't try to control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op your sister has always been distant. You can't change her.

If you are resentful that you call once a week, then call once a month. I would be resentful as well with a one way relationship.

The relationship between your Dad and your sister is their relationship. It isn't yours to manage. You go to Christmas if it's important to you but your sister is free to make her own decisions.

If you don't understand the email then send one back and ask her "What does this mean, are you now not coming for Christmas?". It's ok to ask. You say the dates are for Nov and Dec. Is she expecting something around those dates, or is she simply not coming, just ask her.

You need to let go of the relationship you want with her. You have different expectations and that's ok. It may be hurtful but if you adjust a little maybe call her once a month you will feel less resentful. At some point you will have to come to accept that this is how she is and how she has chosen to live. See her when you can but let the holidays go, they aren't as important to everyone.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You call and try to be persuasive.

NO. Emotional manipulation may work in the short term, but it's a recipe for resentment and at worst estrangement in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

This is complete horsesh!t. You already posted that you talk to your sister frequently. You're unhappy with the content of those conversations, however - you want them to be more about you than they are. And you're unhappy that she isn't coming to visit. You have deep-seated issues with her, but are reluctant to admit them.

I may have written something like this in response to your prior thread, but it bears repeating - posters naturally frame situations and issues in the light most favorable to them. That's understandable, and there's nothing wrong with it. However, when after numerous posts an OP comes across unfavorably *despite* framing things in the most favorabel way possible - that should tell you something.

This is you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - OP, this isn't about the holidays. That's a symptom of the underlying issue. Your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your parents -- or if she does, she wants one that exists only at a distance. I have no idea why that is. Maybe its on her end, maybe it's on yours, maybe it's your parents. Most likely, it's some combination, but she's drawing some pretty hard boundaries. And she's telling you that she needs to keep those boundaries, even this year.

Whether you want to do the work -- and it will be work -- to figure out why she feels like she needs these boundaries is up to you. Be prepared that, if you do and she's willing, the best case scenario will require some hard conversations, hurt feelings and a willingness to take an unflinching look at your own behavior and memories. But from what you've been posting, her decision not to be with you guys for the holidays this year is completely consistent.

Question, though: have you ever asked her why she stays away? And I mean asked and then just listened to the answer without trying to argue or justify?

+1,000

I've never asked her. I think people have gotten this impression that I've pressured her to come visit. I call her up about once a week and listen to her talk about her stuff for about an hour. Rinse and repeat the next week. I can't remember the last time she's ever asked about my life.

Then stop calling her EVERY week! That seems excessive in these circumstances. She will call you if she wants to chat. OP, I think you should let go and live your own life and don’t have any expectations. She is probably not reaching out to you/parents because she KNOWS you will contact her and give her updates on you & parents. Don’t do this! Stop carrying the emotional load. If she wants to know what is going on with family let her reach out to you. Stop doing this for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds just like my sister in law who it turned out was being terribly abused by her husband, who also didn’t want her seeing her family. You never know what goes on in people’s lives. It’s best not to assume you know their motivations.

I wish I could connect more with her. I really try. Most of you are telling me I’m being an asshole when I honestly just want to talk to my sister.

This is complete horsesh!t. You already posted that you talk to your sister frequently. You're unhappy with the content of those conversations, however - you want them to be more about you than they are. And you're unhappy that she isn't coming to visit. You have deep-seated issues with her, but are reluctant to admit them.

I may have written something like this in response to your prior thread, but it bears repeating - posters naturally frame situations and issues in the light most favorable to them. That's understandable, and there's nothing wrong with it. However, when after numerous posts an OP comes across unfavorably *despite* framing things in the most favorabel way possible - that should tell you something.

This is you, OP.

How though? What have I done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I posted earlier and your additional comments do not clear up the fact that you don't truly know if she's coming 'during the holidays' or not. Her flight info only informs you of when she won't be with you. Has she in past said she'd do something and then not? To me the 'holidays' if it were Christmas could be from Dec 15-week of New Years. You seem most interested in seeing your sister as selfish rather than as an adult with a full life trying to fit everything in.

Op, first, I want to say that I understand why you are hurt. But I have the same questions as this poster.

When someone sends me an odd email with no explanation, I ask for clarification. I don't understand why you haven't addressed this. Certainly, you responded to the email. The most common sense thing to do is to ASK HER why she sent it. You can do it in a normal and cordial way. I would assume she sent it so you can work around her schedule. "Thanks for the itinerary, sis. It looks like you'll be home the week before Christmas, so I'll see if mom and dad can get together for a celebration on December 20th. Does that work for you?"

Or at the very least: Hi sis, your trip looks fun. As per our previous discussion, when are you guys available to get together for Thanksgiving? "

I can ask her. One problem is they live across the country and do not make that many trips back east. Usually it's once a year; the fact that they are traveling during both times suggests to me that they won't be around for either holiday. However, I can certainly ask and clarify.

About her track record: Yes, she consistently says she'll be around for family things and then bails.

Don’t ask her this Op. Do not engage. She does not want to fly 3000 miles to see you. They probably have limited vacation time. Asking her this makes you look clueless. If she wants to visit between trips she will tell you. I would just drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stay out of it. Who cares if your sister comes? Maybe her relationship with your dad is not great or maybe she is a jerk. Have the relationship you want to have with your parent. Don't worry about her., don't gossip about her.

^^ THis

My mother was very controlling over me growing up. From forcing me to take and finish Confirmation class, to what she packed in my lunch for school and her unwillingness to drive me to social activities. I don;t go out of my way for her. Your sister may feel similar to me.

[Anonymous]

Different siblings have different life experiences adn memories about their childhood and parents/siblings.
Your sister obviosly does not feel close to you and your parents and really doesn't want to make an effort to be closer. That is her choice.
You can't make someone want to be with you and want to have a relationship.

Call 1x per month and don't expect to be BFFs.
Enjoy the relationships you do have and stop mourning the one you don't.