“You love them more than me now.” PPD in men.
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Anonymous
Nope. No. Uh-uh. Not even close. I am NOT suggesting that the OP or anyone else let their marriage fall by the wayside. But children's emotional health *absolutely* needs to be the priority. When it's not, we end up with abusive and neglectful parents, and partners who refuse to make the tough choice to take care of their kids first. Marriages fail for many reasons, but marriage failure in the case of an immature and/or abusive and/or neglectful spouse is not a bad thing. It *is* possible for people to put their children's development first *and* still nurture their marriages, but that means spouses getting support from people outside the marriage. Putting it all on your spouse to take care of you, even when that clearly conflicts with your children's well-being? No effing way. |
Anonymous
OP: Has anybody experienced "You love them more than me now." me: Yes, I have my H felt like "You love them more than me now." but I did not experience the abuse you are clearly experiencing. Feeling like he is not loved because you are caring for a baby (2) is NOT NORMAL. So he went to therapy. But he did not pout, yell, ignore or blame... that would be abusive. He is abusive, get him therapy for his feeling and his blaming and abuse. |
Anonymous
When you talk about spoiled entitled brats you are talking about the H. Stop the #1 bullshit. Infants are #1. Sometimes, my job is #1, like from 9-5. Sometime sleep is #1. Sometimes caring for a dying parent is #1 Stop ranking your love and stop keep score... that is why marriages fail. |
Anonymous
This. The double standard is unreal. |
Anonymous
What is unreal is that people don't understand the difference between feelings and actions. The H has feeling... that does not make him a man-baby. His ACTIONS are that he give the cold shoulder, tells OP she is to blame for his feeling and he emotionally manipulates her to try to get her to spend less time with her newborns. Nobody is calling him a man-baby for having depression or having feeling. He is a man-baby because of his ACTIONS. |
Anonymous
Just stop. |
Anonymous
Where are you getting that? This isn't a pattern of sustained behavior. This is a single incident. They had a date night planned. It was cancelled. He got upset. She forced a conversation, he explains how he's emotionally struggling with the transition. Explains that he is feeling resentment towards the situation (which is a VERY normal thing to feel with a SINGLE 7 week old, let alone twins). OP says this is unusual, she has noticed that he's been struggling mentally, she is drowning herself and is wondering how to help him while still keeping herself afloat. It is actually not helpful to have a bunch of people tell her she needs to get angry at her communicative depressed spouse. A course of action that will heighten friction in their relationship and cause added stress. A couple that looks to each other compassionately in those early weeks is going to have an easier time than a couple that allows anger and resentment to fester. Because adding marital problems to twins is not actually very helpful. You're calling him a man baby because when having a conversation ABOUT why something upset him he explained his negative feelings. So yes, you are calling him a man baby because of his feelings, or at minimum, his willingness to communicate them. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this. I can’t believe this has to be explained to people. He needs to deal with his depression- with his therapist - not by dumping on his wife. He needs to go back to work and end his paternity leave because the last thing his wife needs is another person to take care of right now. She needs to hire a nanny now because her spouse is incapable of providing even the most basic support. She needs to heal physically and the twins need full time care. Her husband is going to have to go to his doctor/therapist for support. It really is the very least he can do. As in the bare minimum. |
Anonymous
"especially your provider"? gag. also, how is OP's husband putting HER first? He's not. He's putting himself first. I swear. I thought my DH's emotional and physical absences while I had a newborn was terrible. But I think having a man-baby whine at me about loving my babies more than him and giving me the cold shoulder for canceling a date night 7 freakin weaks pp with TWINS ... might have actually been worse. |
Anonymous
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Okay, this thread has gone off the rails. But I’ll say this.
I’ve been depressed. And I’ve had PPD. And I’ve been abused. I’ve never had twins. I did have a marriage that didn’t survive the child. People give you a pass when you’re depressed. The cold shoulder isn’t abusive - your mental faculty causes you to react to normal situations in an abnormal way. A true chemical imbalance. I didn’t brush my teeth. I wasn’t lazy; I had no motivation. I didn’t want to shower or watch tv or read. It want that I was a boring person; I lost interest. Depression is an illness. OP’s husband has a medical diagnosis for this condition, and a history. A life change, like a new child, or twins, can absolutely trigger an episode. Especially if it’s Major Depressive Disorder. If people treated me the way some of you are treating OP’s DH, I would have shamed myself into Suicide. He expresses his fears and vulnerability to the person closest to him in life and strangers shame him?? You all are NOT supportive and DO NOT understand that mental illness isn’t some cop out of a behavior. It’s REAL. And it’s TOUGH. And talking trash about OPs husband is trashy. Op, you’re amazing as a mom and wife from the tone of your posts.. but we all have a limit. It’s important that you not feel badly about protecting your sanity and continuing the good stuff. And there’s is a lot of good stuff — it’s great that he is engaged and I think it’s greT that he suggested time together because he prioritizes the relationship too. You guys are both learning the new ebb and flow and it won’t always be this intense. I liked PPs suggestion(s) for: Clinical evaluation with his dr Caregiver support (nanny, sitter, relative help) Local support groups for parents of twins for both of you Being kind to yourself Being kind to your husband The truth is that you won’t be able to support your DH the same as before, but that doesn’t mean you’re abandoning ship. Your DH will have to decide if he wants to try to lean more on other resources and grow, and not burden you to be the source of his emotional strength. I get that it will be a new dynamic - and maybe one that will change circumstances too much for his liking. This is why the couples therapy helps, but I think it’s too soon to burden yourself with that. Dr visit, help with kids, try to find an hour for yourself a day, and try to find a time to talk to him. You’ll be no good to anyone if you become stressed, depressed, can’t nurse, etc. you can’t take anyone until you take care of yourself. Unfortunately you have coddled your husband — so asking your dh to take care of himself now when he never had to before, of course he will blame that on the one thing that changed (kids). But truth is he eventually needed to learn these skills anyway. Now more than ever. Hopefully you two come out stronger for it in the end. Hugs! Sorry you have to wade through stupid fighting and bickering. I don’t think your DH is abusive either. Just as scared as most new parents are .. maybe x 2. |
Anonymous
| Has he always wimpy? |
Anonymous
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^^^^
I’m sorry but no depression does not make you treat other people a certain way. Depression may make you want to treat people a certain way but it does not make you treat people a certain way . |
Anonymous
Pp you’re correct. I could have phrased that better. We always have a choice. |
Anonymous
Are so many things wrong with your post where to start. It’s not normal for a grown man to get upset because a date is canceled due to a sick child. It’s weird that you interpret people telling the wife that it’s not OK for somebody to pout, ignore, and blame that you think we’re saying her reaction should be anger as if the only reaction you think people should have in when standing up for themselves his anger. Where did you learn that standing up for yourself means you have to be angry? That shows that you don’t really have good coping skills yourself. It points to why you don’t understand that what he’s doing is abusive because you probably use anger when you want to get your way. . It’s not normal that you’re describing the situation as his wife forcing him to have a conversation. |
Anonymous
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PP forcing this “abuse” agenda - what do you really think is going to happen? Do you think OP is going to go tell her DH he’s wrong in his approach and start singing, “we’re not gonna take it!”? Do you think this will resolve OPs concern of how to support him? Do you think having her second guess her marriage’s Health is helpful?
We ALL have a sliver of a picture of reality from a few posts from one tired mother — you think that gives expert insight into their relationship? Or even full context? I don’t. Some of us just don’t agree on how to label her DH’s behavior. That’s fine. But saying she is being abused by him pouting isn’t helpful at all. Start another thread on what abuse is and isn’t and we can chime in there. Give it a rest here. |