“You love them more than me now.” PPD in men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Seriously! OP is doing the right thing by asking for help to improve both their lives. I shudder to think what these posters relationships are like with their own husbands. Poor guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Omg go stuff it. I'm sorry if you were abused but NOTHING OP has said about her husband implies she is being abused.

UM not sure where you got, I am abused. But the cycle starts somewhere. I stopped it when my H said... "you are putting the kids first" which is stage 2 of the cycle... dude get therapy... I am not your mama.

What the H is saying and doing to her is abuse.. but go ahead baby your man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Seriously! OP is doing the right thing by asking for help to improve both their lives. I shudder to think what these posters relationships are like with their own husbands. Poor guys.

or she is codependent, who knows.

I'm sorry do you know what that word means?

Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Please enlighten us on how knowing your partner has a history depression and knowing they need to find help before they spiral into negative behaviors and feeling compelled to help them get that help is codependency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

FFS her husband isn't abusing her! What is wrong with you?

It's amazing how many people do not recognize the H actions as abuse. No wonder abuse is so prevalent in our society.

Yes, he is abusing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Omg go stuff it. I'm sorry if you were abused but NOTHING OP has said about her husband implies she is being abused.

UM not sure where you got, I am abused. But the cycle starts somewhere. I stopped it when my H said... "you are putting the kids first" which is stage 2 of the cycle... dude get therapy... I am not your mama.

What the H is saying and doing to her is abuse.. but go ahead baby your man.

I assumed you were abused because you said "I have been in your situation and you are being abused".

OP has not described abuse. Men do have feelings and can express them without being man babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I still love you the same. I just don't have the energy or bandwidth to show you how much I love you right now. You have to trust our love."

"If I give you the attention you are craving right now, I won't have enough energy to keep our children alive." (Followed by a very sarcastic "which child should I kill so you have the attention you desire?")

Example 1 seems relatively normal. Example 2 seems completely deranged and extraordinarily immature.

About as immature as asking your wife if she loves you as much as your babies?

This guy is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Thank him for what? Being a parent? Doing what he should do by default? Men don’t need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum.

Everybody needs to be thanked! Good lord, she had twins and this is something millions of women have every day of the year! Having a baby is not something special. OP needs to grow up. I am so sick of women who think they are special and need to be treated like queens just because they had a baby.

NP: FFS, one of their *seven week old* twins was *vomiting*!!! Of course you cancel date night for that! What in the actual F?

Her husband needs to grow up. I hope he does, OP. I have a girlfriend whose husband pulled the same sob story after each of their kids were born. Kids are 8 and 5 and he STILL whines about not getting enough attention. Nip this BS in the bud.

Vomiting? I doubt it. Probably spitting up and OP calls it vomiting! First time mother's are the worst!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Seriously! OP is doing the right thing by asking for help to improve both their lives. I shudder to think what these posters relationships are like with their own husbands. Poor guys.

Really trying to follow the logic here. If your husband didn't resent his own kids and lash out at you during your post-partum recovery, you must be a harpy? I feel like you're setting a really low bar.

OP: you said your DH is already in therapy. Start there. Ask him to schedule an emergency session to talk about these issues. He's already articulated it to you; let him do it to a professional who can actually help, not the only person in the world more sleep-deprived than he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Thank him for what? Being a parent? Doing what he should do by default? Men don’t need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum.

Everybody needs to be thanked! Good lord, she had twins and this is something millions of women have every day of the year! Having a baby is not something special. OP needs to grow up. I am so sick of women who think they are special and need to be treated like queens just because they had a baby.

NP: FFS, one of their *seven week old* twins was *vomiting*!!! Of course you cancel date night for that! What in the actual F?

Her husband needs to grow up. I hope he does, OP. I have a girlfriend whose husband pulled the same sob story after each of their kids were born. Kids are 8 and 5 and he STILL whines about not getting enough attention. Nip this BS in the bud.

Vomiting? I doubt it. Probably spitting up and OP calls it vomiting! First time mother's are the worst!

Actually, people who don't understand the purpose of apostrophes are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Omg go stuff it. I'm sorry if you were abused but NOTHING OP has said about her husband implies she is being abused.

UM not sure where you got, I am abused. But the cycle starts somewhere. I stopped it when my H said... "you are putting the kids first" which is stage 2 of the cycle... dude get therapy... I am not your mama.

What the H is saying and doing to her is abuse.. but go ahead baby your man.

I assumed you were abused because you said "I have been in your situation and you are being abused".

OP has not described abuse. Men do have feelings and can express them without being man babies.

No. I said my H said he was overwhelmed and felt jealous of the children in a non-blaming, concerning way that made us get him therapy. He knew it was not a normal way to feel just like a mom with PPD know not feeling love or connection to a new born is not normal.

Yes. The OP's H is abusive.

Stage 1: Tension: From OP's post ....However emotionally/mentally he is elsewhere and has been ultra emotional and needy
Stage 2: Incident (emotional abuse, blaming) From OP's post ... He got really upset .....I received the silent treatment. he said I don’t love him as much anymore, that I love the babies more, that I’m not emotionally supporting him enough anymore He mentioned he resents the babies and that they stole me from him.

This is NOT normal

Normal is... Hey I am struggling with how much work this is can we get a nanny. My depression is really bad right now and I know you are busy with the newborns I am going to see my therapist twice a week not once.

The top... abusive.
The bottom... normal man expressing his feeling

It makes me sad that so many people think "really upset" "silent treatment" "says I don't love him anymore" "resents the baby" is NORMAL way to express emotions. It's not healthy and it may be "normal" to you because that is how men in your life express their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Seriously! OP is doing the right thing by asking for help to improve both their lives. I shudder to think what these posters relationships are like with their own husbands. Poor guys.

Really trying to follow the logic here. If your husband didn't resent his own kids and lash out at you during your post-partum recovery, you must be a harpy? I feel like you're setting a really low bar.

OP: you said your DH is already in therapy. Start there. Ask him to schedule an emergency session to talk about these issues. He's already articulated it to you; let him do it to a professional who can actually help, not the only person in the world more sleep-deprived than he is.

7 weeks into life with newborn twins her husband had a bad few days.

I resent my newborns at 7 weeks every time. 7 weeks sucks. They aren't sleeping, they aren't smiling, they are take take take and you're freaking exhausted. I can only imagine that being magnified exponentially with twins.

I think its telling that all of you are seeing this as lashing out instead of just like...having a hard time. OP never used to the words lashed out. OP is worried about him and OP is the only person this thread that actually knows him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I was not sure on the science behind PPD and men. I’ve read a few studies stating that some men have changed in hormones to reflect their partners during pregnancy and can have PPD. It may be BS. So let’s just say DH has a long history of depression and mental illness and that the birth of our twins seems to have created a downward spiral for him. Maybe not PPD but a depressive episode triggered by adjusting to life with newborn twins.

No, the silent treatment is not normal for him. I don’t consider him selfish or a “man baby”. I consider him highly sensitive and that’s one of the reasons I love him. I know that I’m the stronger of the two of us emotionally and for our relationship I’m usually the one he can rely on but he has supported me emotionally, mentally etc plenty of times.

He’s in a bad headspace and I wish I could help but I’m truly so exhausted I can barely function and unfortunately at the moment I cannot be his support system. I was looking for advice on anyone who has had a spouse in the same place and what seemed to help. Thank you to the users who mentioned going ahead and getting a nanny now. I’m also trying to find a parental support group for new fathers. I think talking to other men in similar situations will help.

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Omg go stuff it. I'm sorry if you were abused but NOTHING OP has said about her husband implies she is being abused.

UM not sure where you got, I am abused. But the cycle starts somewhere. I stopped it when my H said... "you are putting the kids first" which is stage 2 of the cycle... dude get therapy... I am not your mama.

What the H is saying and doing to her is abuse.. but go ahead baby your man.

I assumed you were abused because you said "I have been in your situation and you are being abused".

OP has not described abuse. Men do have feelings and can express them without being man babies.

No. I said my H said he was overwhelmed and felt jealous of the children in a non-blaming, concerning way that made us get him therapy. He knew it was not a normal way to feel just like a mom with PPD know not feeling love or connection to a new born is not normal.

Yes. The OP's H is abusive.

Stage 1: Tension: From OP's post ....However emotionally/mentally he is elsewhere and has been ultra emotional and needy
Stage 2: Incident (emotional abuse, blaming) From OP's post ... He got really upset .....I received the silent treatment. he said I don’t love him as much anymore, that I love the babies more, that I’m not emotionally supporting him enough anymore He mentioned he resents the babies and that they stole me from him.

This is NOT normal

Normal is... Hey I am struggling with how much work this is can we get a nanny. My depression is really bad right now and I know you are busy with the newborns I am going to see my therapist twice a week not once.

The top... abusive.
The bottom... normal man expressing his feeling

It makes me sad that so many people think "really upset" "silent treatment" "says I don't love him anymore" "resents the baby" is NORMAL way to express emotions. It's not healthy and it may be "normal" to you because that is how men in your life express their feelings.

No you didn't say that at all. What you said was:

I have been in your situation and you are being abused by your husband right now you are in the #2 of the abuse cycle.

Just because he has depression means it is okay for him to abuse you. It might be his excuse or point to what needs to change but it's not okay.

You can't support somebody out of depression and allowing his abuse is enabling it.

He needs to talk to his therapist and you need to stand up for yourself when he makes unreasonable requests. It's okay if that upsets him, it's up to him to work that out with his therapist.

Does this cycle seem familiar... if not yet, watch out for it. The cycle may be weekly/monthly/yearly... every abuser is different. The longer 3 and 4 last and when 1 and 2 are short, women explain it away as a normal cycle, but it's not.

Everything is on a scale. Of course dumping all your emotions on your partner CAN be abusive when taken to the extreme. A new dad 7 weeks in with twins expressing depression to his wife is not that.

You are being totally over the top and straight up lying about your previous posts. I think someone is trolling this thread and I'm going to ask Jeff about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Because OP literally gave birth 7 weeks and is still recovering and the the twins are newborns who can't take care of themselves. In this period of time, he should be taking of her and his children instead of adding to OP's stress.

Whining because a date night got canceled due to one his children being sick? That's beyond ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Because OP literally gave birth 7 weeks and is still recovering and the the twins are newborns who can't take care of themselves. In this period of time, he should be taking of her and his children instead of adding to OP's stress.

Whining because a date night got canceled due to one his children being sick? That's beyond ridiculous.

OP doesn't need to know that you think her spouse is a ridiculous whiner. She needs support and she's reaching out to this message board for help. Have some compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this thread is like a PSA for how dismissive people are of mental health issues in this country.

It's super scary how cavalier people are about saying OP married a "man-baby" instead of offering helpful advice to a new mom of 2 month old twins about how she can better support her struggling partner. Oy.

Seriously! OP is doing the right thing by asking for help to improve both their lives. I shudder to think what these posters relationships are like with their own husbands. Poor guys.

Really trying to follow the logic here. If your husband didn't resent his own kids and lash out at you during your post-partum recovery, you must be a harpy? I feel like you're setting a really low bar.

OP: you said your DH is already in therapy. Start there. Ask him to schedule an emergency session to talk about these issues. He's already articulated it to you; let him do it to a professional who can actually help, not the only person in the world more sleep-deprived than he is.

7 weeks into life with newborn twins her husband had a bad few days.

I resent my newborns at 7 weeks every time. 7 weeks sucks. They aren't sleeping, they aren't smiling, they are take take take and you're freaking exhausted. I can only imagine that being magnified exponentially with twins.

I think its telling that all of you are seeing this as lashing out instead of just like...having a hard time. OP never used to the words lashed out. OP is worried about him and OP is the only person this thread that actually knows him.

She did not use the words "lash out" but she did list seven separate complaints that he made to her, all after she had to coax him to talk to her after being cold-shouldered for prioritizing a sick newborn over a date night. Yes OP is worried about him, but some of us are worried about OP. As she admitted in a follow-up, she's barely able to keep her own head above water, let alone be made responsible for the emotional well-being of a man who already has a therapist.

I stand by my recommendation. He has a therapist. He needs to go talk to this therapist. He needs to seek help that is readily available to him, much more so than it would be to a person who had to find someone new/taking patients/uses your insurance.

OP is used to being her husband's rock and apparently he just expects she will always prioritize him above everything, including the health of her children and her own health. I recognize that OP is trying to uphold what she sees as her end of this relationship - coax him into opening up, find a solution for him even if it means braving the waters of DCUM, try to make him feel better. I think that's unhealthy for her and she needs him to step up. That's not the same as calling him a man-baby but I can see where those people are standing from here. It's one thing to expect support from your spouse but it's another to take take take and never recognize when the well is dry.