“You love them more than me now.” PPD in men.

[Anonymous]

I gave birth to my twins 7 weeks ago and it’s been a whirlwind. We were very blessed with an amazing delivery and only 3 days spent in the hospital. No NICU!

Both babies are fussy eaters and generally high needs and it’s been totally exhausting and we never sleep and obviously my entire life is now dedicated to keeping these two screaming mandrakes alive and relatively happy.

DH is sensitive and has been a great help. He physically is here with me. Helping with feeds, getting up a few times a night, changing diapers etc, I’m lucky.
However emotionally/mentally he is elsewhere and has been ultra emotional and needy and I feel awful but I’m just too tired trying to heal and survive to be there like I could before our babies. He got really upset this weekend because we had a date night planned. One of our twins got sick (vomiting) and I freaked and canceled and then received the silent treatment. Baby was fine but I finally got him to open up and he said I don’t love him as much anymore, that I love the babies more, that I’m not emotionally supporting him enough anymore (which is true) because he’s struggling with the babies and needs help. He mentioned he resents the babies and that they stole me from him. As I said, he’s very sensitive but I found these comments out of character and wonder if he’s suffering from PPD? I know it happens.

How can I support him while barely being able to support myself? Any resources? He goes to therapy but I’m not sure if he’s mentioned this to his therapist. Has anyone had a spouse suffer PPD?

[Anonymous]

This is a classic new parent situation and one that is GREATLY exacerbated with twins (I'm a twin mom.)

The fact that he is in therapy is great. Of course he needs to buck up, but I also think you guys can have a conversation in which you acknowledge that you are giving more to them than to him, and acknowledge that you had 9 months of ramp up to motherhood as your body went through pregnancy while this must feel like a sudden and even more dramatic change to him.

[Anonymous]

oops - forgot the other part!

But this is all going to change as they grow and need less and less. It's also going to change as they get more active and connect more and more with him. You just have to get there.

Get as much support as you can to help you out for those first few months. It's so worth it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

How is this helpful?

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

We originally were going to hire a nanny to help while I was on maternity leave but DH was also offered 12 weeks paternity leave to be taken consecutively so we both decided we’d take our leave together to save money. Now I’m wondering if maybe it would be best if he goes back to work and we hire a nanny a little earlier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

How is this helpful?

Because she needs to know that it is ok to put her needs first. She needs to physically heal and tend to her babies. Supporting someone in taking care of themselves is support, dummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

We originally were going to hire a nanny to help while I was on maternity leave but DH was also offered 12 weeks paternity leave to be taken consecutively so we both decided we’d take our leave together to save money. Now I’m wondering if maybe it would be best if he goes back to work and we hire a nanny a little earlier?

It doesn’t sound like he’s being helpful. A nanny certainly would be.

Now is the time to focus on your needs. Your babies are newborns, it is not the time to worry about hurting DHs feelings by hiring a nanny. Do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

Another way of saying this is that your DH is beyond selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

We originally were going to hire a nanny to help while I was on maternity leave but DH was also offered 12 weeks paternity leave to be taken consecutively so we both decided we’d take our leave together to save money. Now I’m wondering if maybe it would be best if he goes back to work and we hire a nanny a little earlier?

I'd definitely hire the nanny and give it a few weeks of overlap before he goes back. It could make things worse to go back to work, it may be better. Maybe he can wean his way into work by doing PT or WFH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

We originally were going to hire a nanny to help while I was on maternity leave but DH was also offered 12 weeks paternity leave to be taken consecutively so we both decided we’d take our leave together to save money. Now I’m wondering if maybe it would be best if he goes back to work and we hire a nanny a little earlier?

I’m not a twin mom. So, with that said, I don’t think your DH should go back to work early. He needs to be involved with the day to day care because it’s HARD and doesn’t get easier (parenting gets easier?? Since when?? My kid gets harder every year and he’s 10 - sure he can make a sandwich and pour cereal but parenting doesn’t get easier) and if he checks out now you’re unlikely to get him invested again later.

[Anonymous]

Well, the key giant part of parenting is that our needs don’t come first anymore. If you had to choose between saving your drowning husband and drowning babies, you’d pick the babies... just as you would expect your husband to pick the babies over you. So yes, in a way you do “love them more than him.” Which is as it should be. You can walk away from a spouse anytime you want, but you legally and morally cannot just decide not to take care of your child. This is adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a POS. I'm sorry. See it for what it is.