“You love them more than me now.” PPD in men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Thank him for what? Being a parent? Doing what he should do by default? Men don’t need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum.

Everybody needs to be thanked! Good lord, she had twins and this is something millions of women have every day of the year! Having a baby is not something special. OP needs to grow up. I am so sick of women who think they are special and need to be treated like queens just because they had a baby.

Jesus both of you suck but in totally different ways. Both parents deserve compassion, both should be open to communicating with each other through a difficult time, both should be open to finding outlets outside their marriage to take their frustration out on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

They are his kids too. He is not "helping" it is his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

Thank him for what? Being a parent? Doing what he should do by default? Men don’t need to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum.

Everybody needs to be thanked! Good lord, she had twins and this is something millions of women have every day of the year! Having a baby is not something special. OP needs to grow up. I am so sick of women who think they are special and need to be treated like queens just because they had a baby.

NP: FFS, one of their *seven week old* twins was *vomiting*!!! Of course you cancel date night for that! What in the actual F?

Her husband needs to grow up. I hope he does, OP. I have a girlfriend whose husband pulled the same sob story after each of their kids were born. Kids are 8 and 5 and he STILL whines about not getting enough attention. Nip this BS in the bud.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a brief season in life with your DH in the long term. Remind your husband of that. Also remind him that these children are an extension of him, your love has grown because of it, but things may feel different for the first year because there are only 24hrs in a day, but just reassure him that there is no competition in your family with love.

Try to spend one hour a day not talking about anything with the babies, and just talk to him about other things he wants to talk about. Give him a kiss randomly when you see him. Pat his back. Baby him a little. You know your husband and his needs — and it’s not too much effort to just smile or blow him a kiss from across the room while you’re both in this together.

And try to keep your date nights. Trust the caregivers you have to care and give sufficiently in your absence. Your children will be fine.

Congrats on the baby, don’t be a martyr, don’t be a pushover, and protect the loving gestures you and your dh have built in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

She was not wrong to cancel date night. What? He was wrong to even expect a date night at this stage. Date night with a newborn is, as PP upthread suggested, trying to watch an entire episode of something together while the baby is asleep. With 2 babies it will be harder but it's still a reasonable goal. Get dressed up and leave the house date night is not a reasonable expectation with twins in the fourth trimester. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

They are his kids too. He is not "helping" it is his responsibility.

Bolding for emphasis. He is not "helping" he is PARENTING. It's HARD. It's NOT FUN, its WORK. Anyone who takes leave from work after a baby is born expecting a vacation is going to get their a$$ kicked cause parenting is not a vacation. Especially with twins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

+1 Why are men such babies. Goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

He is not a jerk. He helps her and she was wrong to cancel date night. OP, do you even thank him for what he does to help? Probably not. Maybe this would be a Start!

They are his kids too. He is not "helping" it is his responsibility.

Bolding for emphasis. He is not "helping" he is PARENTING. It's HARD. It's NOT FUN, its WORK. Anyone who takes leave from work after a baby is born expecting a vacation is going to get their a$$ kicked cause parenting is not a vacation. Especially with twins!

+1 FFS.. does he say thank you to her for birthing his babies and carrying for them? No? Because he expects that of her, but if he *helps* take care of their babies, then he's doing her a favor. Goes to show.. our society is still misogynistic, and we've along way to go.

PSA to men: don't expect a thank you for for every little thing doing your part in parenting your own children. You are not doing your wives a favor. You are being a parent. It's expected of you.

I don't see men telling other men to thank their wives every single day for taking care of the kids, or doing house chores. Why is that? Oh, that's right, because it's expected of the mom/wife, but not the dads/husbands. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression. I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.

[Anonymous]

Can we stop with the “DH is suffering from PPD as well” concerns. It’s insulting to someone who actually did suffer from PPD which is directly triggered from the hormonal flux of childbirth, which is an experience unique only to women. So tired of these whiny man-babies having to claim all of our hardships as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

OP is overwhelmed with taking care of newborn twins, and now she needs to mother her husband as well? Oh my. Who's taking care of OP and her needs? Oh, that's right.. no one. Mothers take care of everyone's needs but no one takes care of her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had PPD, everyone would try to solicit support. I’d OP suspects her DH has PPD, her husband should have the same type of support solicited. Yes, yes, everyone knows men don’t birth babies. But if you love your partner, sometimes you do thinks because it’s the kind and loving thing to do, not just what you have a right to do differently.

OP, the advice on DCUM will come from women (and men) with different expectations, outcomes, happiness levels in their marriages. Someone telling you to put him in his place might do that with the personality of their DH, but if you did that it may create another storm. You know your husband. Validate his feelings, explain yours too, and you two adults then respect and love each other enough to figure out how to do life together with two wonderful babies that have joined your crew.

I actually think this trend of trying to diagnose PPD in men is a crock. It's just plain old depression. Men are not post-partum. Their hormones are not all over the place, they're not physically recovering, they didn't give birth. Is it understandable to have a hard time adjusting to a big change in life (becoming a parent) even if you didn't give birth? Sure. I can see men becoming anxious, or depressed, because their life has changed dramatically. But I have no idea why we're expected to call it PPD or PPA when men are not post-partum.

If a guy cuts his arm after his wife gives birth, is it a post-partum hemorrhage?

I see your point but it feels like a distinction without meaning. Husband's can get depressed and overwhelmed in the newborn stage, especially with twins, and it should be taken as seriously as PPD is.

I think there definitely is a meaning to the distinction. If OP's husband is depressed because he wasn't expecting the transition to be this hard, he misses sex, he hasn't bonded with the babies yet -- all that is situational and temporary. Talk therapy and maybe a come-to-Jesus is what is in order. Meanwhile if OP actually had PPD it's not as simple as talking it over and coming to terms with a new normal. It's not normal. Your hormones are out of whack and you need to be monitored by a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Worst case scenario for OP's husband is checking out of the marriage. Worst case scenario for actual PPD is a slide into psychosis.

I'm not saying don't take it seriously. I'm saying call it what it actually is: depression. I don't think it's a coincidence that PPA/PPD were not discussed and considered a dirty secret literally for generations, and as soon as doctors and society decided to take it seriously, treat it as important, and screen for it, all of a sudden it's just the same as depression, which actually all husbands have too, so let's center the discussion back on how men feel.

I think you are way way way minimizing what depression can mean. For most women PPD is also temporary and situational and can be overcome with therapy and drugs. The worst case with depression is suicide or alienation or divorce. Depression is a real illness that can be absolutely crippling. PPD is a version of it triggered specifically by post partum hormones.

I am not saying that PPA shouldn't be a distinct diagnosis, that women shouldn't be screened and cared for and supported as they navigate it. Not at all. You are 100% right that it should be taken extremely seriously.

But so should depression in men which can frequently lead to long term negative health and relationship consequences for them.

There is a global societal question about focusing resources for new moms that is important and needs to happen. But on the individual level in an individual marriage both people need to be cared for.