“You love them more than me now.” PPD in men.

[Anonymous]

There's too much drama here.
Having a baby, much less two, is exhausting... Give him (and yourself) a pass for the year. It's a learning curve for everyone.
And...
I was not immediately in love with my babies. I would give my life for them now.
I frankly remember very few moments when they were just born- less than a year old, much less how my DH acted or what he said at this time.
Enjoy the moment, OP. This is the best time.

[Anonymous]

Can you turn it on. Nicely, but ask what he is doing to emotionally support you? He is a asking for your help - is he okay with you asking for his?

Also, date night at seven weeks with twins was.....ambitious. Aim for watching a full episode of something together at home. You do need to make time for each other but it will be more successful if you keep it low key. Just until the babies are like six months old and sleep longer.

[Anonymous]

DH was way more excited/ready for our baby than I was and we had totally different experiences after the birth. He just checked out. Physically he was there and very helpful but mentally not so much and we almost separated because of it. Counseling and time helped. People adjust in very different ways and that's allowed. If you had ppd and difficulty bonding/adjusting you would want him to be as patient and understanding as you're being with him. Just take it one day at a time and try to let things go. Everything will be SO much better when you're sleeping again.

[Anonymous]

I agree, date night at 7 weeks postpartum with twins is overly ambitious. Your job is just to survive right now. So is his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

+1

[Anonymous]

"You're right. They will be part of me forever. You can be gone tomorrow."

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both had PPD and it almost destroyed our marriage. Meds and therapy helped him sooo much.

Twins are a whole different ballgame. Of course you're not supporting him. You're tapped out. But I think you need to tell him to invest more in his therapy and maybe try an antidepressant. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Wow. No sympathy at all for him. He expects date night when his twins are 7 weeks old?
Tell him to buck up and get his priorities straight. That kind of person makes me sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly he sounds like a jerk--you are still physically recovering. Your needs come first, then the babies you created, then him.

How is this helpful?

Because she needs to know that it is ok to put her needs first. She needs to physically heal and tend to her babies. Supporting someone in taking care of themselves is support, dummy.

This!

Your in big trouble if your H is going to act like this.

Huge, huge red flag!

[Anonymous]

All of you people saying "red flag" and "omg he's horrible", first of all, what do you want her to do? Leave her husband while she has seven week old twins? She's asking for constructive help. Telling her that he sucks isn't helpful.

Secondly, people are allowed to have a difficult adjustment to parenthood. He's helping out physically. He's doing night feeds. He's not refusing to help, he's having trouble coping. That's allowed. No one is expected to get everything right all the time. If the shoes were reversed and she was having these thoughts I would hope her husband would be compassionate and help her through it like she's trying to do for him.

Op, therapy, meds (if needed) and time. It will get better. This happens to so so so many people. Ignore the posters who apparently only experienced sunshine and rainbows from day 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

+1. Sorry op, I don’t think it’ll get better with your dh. He needs to man up and wear his big boy pants on and be husband and father, supporting you and caring for HIS children. Both your lives have changed the day you brought those kids home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing - this is not forever. This is because they are newborns. The demands on (both) of you will lessen with time but you just have to get there. Additionally, he will start to feel much more connected to them once they are a little older and can react and do more.

Until then, help him and help both of you by getting as much help as you can. You have to get over the hump before either of you really can see what this new normal looks like.

We originally were going to hire a nanny to help while I was on maternity leave but DH was also offered 12 weeks paternity leave to be taken consecutively so we both decided we’d take our leave together to save money. Now I’m wondering if maybe it would be best if he goes back to work and we hire a nanny a little earlier?

I’m not a twin mom. So, with that said, I don’t think your DH should go back to work early. He needs to be involved with the day to day care because it’s HARD and doesn’t get easier (parenting gets easier?? Since when?? My kid gets harder every year and he’s 10 - sure he can make a sandwich and pour cereal but parenting doesn’t get easier) and if he checks out now you’re unlikely to get him invested again later.

What’s hard about the average 10 year old? I’m have one and he’s vastly easier than he was as a baby or toddler; in fact, I’d be hard pressed to name anything difficult about parenting him at all. On the other hand, I think it is very hard for many people to adjust to their first baby/babies. OP is bearing the brunt of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a big adjustment for her DH as well. If he’s typically a good guy, I’d give him some forbearance for now. 16 weeks is about where it’s reasonable to expect the first date night IMO, and I definitely think a nanny could help a lot. OP needs to rest some, and her DH sounds like he could use some less stressed out time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

+1. Sorry op, I don’t think it’ll get better with your dh. He needs to man up and wear his big boy pants on and be husband and father, supporting you and caring for HIS children. Both your lives have changed the day you brought those kids home.

"I don't think it will get better"
Toodleloo, sorry your life sucks hugs! What is wrong with you. How is this a helpful response.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it’s just a shitshow, and neither sleep deprived spouse can get their emotions stated reasonably, and you have to hang in there and trust you will make it and this phase will pass.

It sounds like your DH is having a rough time, and it’s exacerbated by the fact that his primary support (you) is by default having a rougher time. Help him with perspective, if you can, remind him that this won’t be this way forever, that you do still like him, etc—and remind him that B.S. like the silent treatment is unacceptable, and if he can’t see that, worry about PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re a saint for approaching this as kindly as you are.

When my babies were 7 weeks old, my DH would have gotten the riot act if he’d tried to pull this needy, man-baby BS.

Really. You are beyond generous.

+1. Sorry op, I don’t think it’ll get better with your dh. He needs to man up and wear his big boy pants on and be husband and father, supporting you and caring for HIS children. Both your lives have changed the day you brought those kids home.

He is caring for his children. Is he not allowed to have emotional needs as well?